Thursday, December 29, 2005

A Festivus for the Rest of Us!

Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, Warm Wishes.........Ok I'll just say it.........Happy Festivus!
The traditions of Festivus are quite simple. Festivus is celebrated on the 23rd of December. An aluminum pole is used on place of the Christmas tree. (To all my Seinfeld fans, you can acutally buy these poles online!) Everyone participates in what is called "the airing of grievances", which is basically giving everyone a piece of your mind, and expressing how much everyone has dissapointed you over the year. And finally, the "Feats of Strength", Festivus is not over until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and "pinned."

Man, I have been feeling so overwhelmed with all the choas of Christmas, that I have seriously contemplated celebrating Festivus.........well, not seriously. But come on, if we're not focused on something meaningful during this season, a.k.a. God's heart, then why not celebrate a pointless holiday? As I've been seeking God's heart for my family, I've been seeing many go through the motions of Christmas, just like a routine. Everyone sings songs about Jesus the Son of God, but then carry on with their life of sin, not acutally making Jesus lord over anything. We exchange gifts, all the while expecting certain things, and if we don't get them, we're dissapointed. Maybe we truck off to all the "Stuff-Marts" on boxing day and buy them ourselves, as well as many other material things that we don't need. Am I dampering your Christmas spirit yet?

My hubby and I were driving around looking at Christmas lights on Christmas eve. We had the radio playing Christmas music. Talk about a nice 'Christmas mood' to get us into the "spirit" of things. So this song comes on by a secular artist, I think it was called "Make it Christmas day". The chorus of the song is, "get down on your knees and pray, He is the Son of God, if only for a day......make it Christmas day...." How incredibly twisted. This is not a pleasing sacrifice at all. Just one day eh? I sure I can give a day to the one who gave His life for me? I'll check my books.

Please do not allow my rants and raves to burden you. My hubby and I have felt a huge calling on us, to move in a different direction regarding the biggest holiday in the world, Christmas. I'm not trying to say that Christmas is bad, but like anything, the enemy can take something and make it self-centered, to take our eyes off the one true God. I am sick of how I get swept off my feet by the idea of stuff, food and more stuff......and more food. And like anything, we want to follow after God's heart, not ours.
"Jesus came so that sin would be defeated. Jesus came so that all may come to repentance. Jesus came to die. We focus so much on Christ 'coming' but I think we forget that the reason he came is because there are people that are condemned to Hell if they do not repent. " -(Quote from In search of Truths latest post)
I know everyone likes the idea of a baby, laying sweetly asleep in a manger, all cuddly, all content. But what about what He came here to do? To die a horrible death on a cross, a death we were destined to! As I go around for our seasons gatherings to my hubby's unbelieving family, I see our calling, right in front of me, but I get sidetracked, and distracted with all that the enemy want to blind us with. Christmas comes but once a year, better cash in on what it has to offer....... Well what do we have to offer to the King of Kings? I believe God has created us all to have something very specific and very unique and special to give at this time. I want to seek God's heart for me, will you join me?

Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm not a plant person. I have no interest in knowing what their names are, what they specifically need, and what they are succeptable to. I do know that all plants are different, and all have different needs. Some need direct sunlight while others would be harmed by direct light. Some need to be watered lots others not, some need lots of room to grow their roots and others thrive when rootbound. But this is all I know. Plants add life to my living room, so I like having them around, but I have to say I do a very poor job in caring for them. Many times I find that they want to die, to be put out of their misery, but I will revive them back to life, only to torture them some more. I don't really care about their needs, I just want my living room to look nice.
I was watering my plants this morning, and found that I had let them down once more. My hubby bought me one a while back and it's looking pretty sad. My mother-in-law gave me a couple plants last year, and neither survived the desert environment I gave them. I'm pretty sure she won't be giving me any plants again. I've proven myself untrustworthy.
So what is God like? He has proven Himself to be faithful, always. He knows my name. He knows my every need. He knows when my needs change, and knows what I'm prone and succeptable to. He knows when to give me light, and when to bring me darkness. He knows when I need a transplant, and is always gentle in doing so. He is always there as the very source of my life. He cares for me very well, and cares about me very much.
He will not let me die, even in a desert time, He is still there with water, it is up to me to drink. And at those times when I choose my own way, and I choose to not drink of Him, He will always be waiting with the water pitcher, to revive me back to life. It is me who poorly cares for myself, but my care-giver knows my name. He's a plant expert.

Friday, December 16, 2005

umm...excuse me? I need to get OFF the E.A.C.

I've been feeling slightly disconnected with the outside world. I feel like I've been sucked into the 'East Australian Curren't from 'Finding Nemo'. Life is passing me by, my friends, my family, and here I am on this crazy ride, fully capable of getting off, but, not. Why do we get so easily sucked into the "busy" mentality of this season? What is it about December that says we have to run around like chickens with no heads, aimlessly searching for our heads, so that we look and feel busy, but really, we're just headless chickens. I'm not minimizing all the tasks that we all have to do, half the stuff that's been weighing me down is very real, and needs to get done. But where is the peace and rest?
I've been looking around at the relationships in my life, and asking the Lord what it is I'm supposed to be doing in them, and asking myself if I am in fact walking that out. God has placed some specific people on my heart to build and seed into, and part of me is trying to turn a deaf ear. How much easier is it to stay in my comfort bubble, and hang out with the cool people I already know. But what about those who are stumbling? Who have no family and friends? Who are barely making it, let alone thriving in their destiny. It's for these people that God has taught me what I know to this point. It's for these people that I've gone through all the trials, all the hardships, all the testing. My daughter and I have been learning about butterflies, and how much they parallel with our spiritual walk. After they come out of their coccoon, they have only a couple weeks to live. During those couple weeks, the have one sole purpose, to find a mate and reproduce itself before it's too late. To whom am I reproducing God's grace? In all the busyness and all the chaos, all the running around with my head cut off, to whom am I building into? I mean really building into?? I wish I had a better answer than I have.
May I not impart this busy mentality to my children. May this season, and life as a whole be about serving and giving. I've been so selfish, not wanting anyone to rain on what I had planned. Since when do God's plans fit into a perfectionist's box? I know from personal experience, never. If I want my Christmas tree to look like a display tree from Sears, fine. But not my life, especially not at Christmas. There's people out there who need me, right now, and I need to throw out my perfect arangements, and show them a servant heart.

"Oh I can be loose................ see?"
-Eddie Murphy, 'Coming to America'

Thursday, December 01, 2005


My hubby has this sign up on our ceiling above our bed. It says "CHOOSE". I believe God has been teaching us for a long time what that means. And it's only been in the last while that I wake up to see the sign and actually understand what it means to walk in choice.
Last year, something incredible happened to my hubby and I. We had gone Christmas shopping all day, dropped hundreds of dollars, and at the end of the night, we stopped off at my parents house to pick up some things before heading home. When we got back into our car, we realized someone had been in it. Our cd's and our faceplate had been stolen. My hubby reluctently popped the trunk, where the hundreds of dollars worth of presents were tucked away. We looked inside to trunk to find that they were gone. As we drove away in utter shock and dismay, a complete divine thought came to me. The Holy Spirit ministered to me in a supernaturel way. He said, you have a choice, right now. I looked over at my husband, and voiced those words to him. We sat in silence for a while, and in unity, decided to choose faith.
Now, had it not been for God's abounding grace, there is no way that I could've walked that out, and even now, there are still more times than not, that I fall and give in to fear and doubt. But God has used this story for us to fall back on, to be encouraged by what comes out of following in faith and obedience. I trust that what happened to us last year was not about us. It spoke to all of our non-christian family, the faithfulness of God. It was a testimony of trust, a testimony that would not have been seen to the same degree had that not happened to us. It was also something that was used to build up the body, and to encourage our brothers and sisters that God is faithful, and that His body is amazing. The next day, an annonymous brother gave us a card that held money inside. We didn't need to ask who it came from, because we knew it was from God.
God got the glory in that situation. Unfortunately I don't give Him the glory in all situations, but I want to walk in that direction. The enemy always tries to tell me that I don't have a choice. That what's happening around me is out of my control, so I might as well complain and pout, or at bare minimum, entertain thoughts of self pity. Just the other day, another jab was made at me in my personal battle ground. I reacted out of anger and frustration. I went right back to my old ways of thinking, and fell right into the enemy's trap. Luckily my husband was able to recognize my sin, and was bold enough to point it out. "Snap out of it! Get up! You're healed! You're new!" (*revised with my own words, my hubby is a little more gentle) I'm so glad the Holy Spirit corrected me, as much as it was annoying, it was relieving. I do not want to go back down that road. I walked that road for so long, and it sucked the life right out of me. I used so much energy and strength on being mad, that I had nothing left for God, and in turn, He had nothing for me. I have a choice, everyday, every moment. I will make wrong choices, but I will get back up, and carry on with endurance to run this race we call life.
What I have learned through the awful thing that happened last year, is that the cross roads is now, not later. I always want to give into my flesh, just for a little bit, before I choose to walk in faith. Let me say, if that's the way we choose to walk, we are not choosing faith. To choose faith means you will not give in, you will not bow down, you turn your eyes up, now. This fallen world wants us to believe that we have rights. We have the right to give in to our sinful nature, and harbor thoughts of resentment and anger, we have the right to act out of immaturity for a short time, because of what has happened to us. I thought I had these rights, until I realized how much my thoughts conflicted with what the word says. Jesus says quite the opposite to us, and He requires us to pick up our cross no matter what the cost. He died to me, He shed His blood for my sins. He requires alot more of me than I'd like to admit sometimes. But the amazing thing is, is that I do not have to rely on my sinful self to walk it out. All I have to do is choose Him, and He does the rest.

Friday, November 25, 2005

God's yoke? SOLD! To the lady covered in sin!

I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she,
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
Gasp! Help! I'm being tested right left and center on what I last posted. Suddenly it's become a little difficult to remain in the eye of my hurricane. I'm looking back over the last few months or so, and God has been so amazing to me. He's broken off spiritual strongholds, released gifts in me, healed my spirit, re-sealed my heart, all in a matter of months! Let me tell you, it's been a ride! But I guess in my humanness and self-absorption, I developed some pride. I looked down one day and found that I had secretly built a small little pedestal under my feet. Well God, in His love and mercy, gently kicked that pedestal right from under me. I've fallen off, into a muddy puddle, and I seem to have scraped my knees. I'm recognizing, only to the degree that my human mind can withstand, that I am a dirty rotten sinner, in desperate need of Him. That it is only by His grace and mercy that I am even here today. That it only takes one moment of turning my eyes away from my Father, to make me susceptible to the enemy's use, to steal kill and destroy. It has been an awful reality check to see that I have been trying to steal from my brothers and sisters, kill joy, and destroy unity. Thank you Lord for your amazing grace!
Amazing grace,
How sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost,
But now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see...........
I want to be overflowing with gratefulness, for where the Lord has me. I want to be thankful for all that I was priveledeged to taste and see in the season of growth and flurishment. And I also want to be thankful for where I am now, in a place of pruning and character adjusting. I know that God is here, that He has brought me here, that He has plans and purposes for me here, and that He will never leave me here. I'm thankful that He is so kind to remove me from my pedestal, because the responsibilities of being my own god are way more than I can handle. Whenever I would hear the verse that talks about taking on His yoke, I got the general idea, but I never knew what a "yoke" was.
Yoke: A frame designed to be carried across a person's shoulders with equal loads suspended from each end.
Wow, isn't that neat? God's load is equal on either side, so that it will never bear us down. His burden is easy and light, with equal loads on either side, to provide balance and stability. Looks good to me, how much? Free?? I'll take it!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

God's beautiful timing.....

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to unroot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and time to build up,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."

Everyone knows these verses. I've read them many times, but never really read them. I always thought that half of these things were "good", like peace, mending, dancing and laughing. But God is saying there is a time for the "other" things too. Mourning and killing? Uprooting and tearing down? What about war and hate? Wow, who would've thought that God would move in these things as well. God will at one time or another, bring these things to us and ask us to not only watch these things but to walk them out.

He is with us in the storms......

Just as He is with us in the seasons of flurish and growth, beauty and wholeness..........

Now I don't know about you, but when I see a storm I run, foolishly thinking that my feeble little legs could outrun nature. Because I thought storms were bad, something to be avoided. It's only been in the last few months that I've been learning to find comfort in the storm. Did you know that in the eye of a hurricane the winds are calm?

I used to think that there was this big line between storms and times of rest, and that you couldn't be at both places at once. You were either in a storm, or things were calm. Well God's been teaching me that I can rest and be at peace in my storm. That blessings are found in any season, in any time.

I think it's so neat to watch the trees change in the seasons. And how in the winter, a tree looks dead and lifeless, when in actuality, it is very much alive. Most trees lose their leaves in fall but the branches already have buds which contain next year's leaves. It is so important that the buds do not break open before winter is over or else the new leaves will be damaged. The leaves are needed for photosynthesis, so if the leaves are damaged the tree will starve. Wow, isn't God neat!? How many times do you try and break open your buds? Or how many times do you try to keep your old leaves on? God's plan is so perfect, but we have to lose some old things to get fresh new ones. And He sends us into winter to withstand the utter cold to get us there. If we try to mess with the process, we'll damage our new leaves and starve.

There is a time for everything under the sun...............And God's timing is perfect. You don't have to know why when how or where, to know that He knows, and He IS. So wherever you find yourself today, be encouraged that you can be at rest and peace, with knowing that God is in control, and that following His way brings amazing blessings! Be still.......and know........

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Do you see family?

Why do people go to church?
Is it so that they look good?
Is it for a "spiritual" experience?
Is it because they're religious?

The church is to hold us accountable. To grow us in a safe environment. To bless us, to lift us up, to encourage and correct. It builds trust, selfless love and relationship.

The Bible calls the church an army..............

A Bride..................

A Nation.................

A Pillar.....................

We listen to eachother.....................

We teach eachother......................

We lean on eachother.......................

We cover eachother......................

We encourage eachother............................


What can I say, we're family!

I'm so blessed to have such a great family. In good times and bad, my family has stuck by me. They've loved me for me, and encouraged me to grow more into the woman God wants me to be. My home church has been learning about spiritual family, and what God's purposes are for us as a body. I love that God has created the church in such a way, that if the love of Christ was not present, it would fall apart. I love that the church is a safe place to grow in that love, so that we can share it with the world! I love that I can laugh and cry with my family. But most of all, I love that even though we may be walking different paths, different struggles, and learning faith in different ways, we can still have fun!

So have fun and be blessed! May God reveal Himself to you today, in new ways!

Monday, November 07, 2005

New Blog

Another sister has joined the blogging world. I know she has much encouragement to share. She is an amazing woman of God, and I've been privileged to watch her walk in freedom victory and passion. Be blessed by her honesty, Check it out!

Starting over

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Basic walking-on-water 101

Times are crazy, things are hectic, but the peace and hope found in Jesus remain.
The enemy has been trying to tell me that the right thing to do in a time like this is grieve, pout, cry, complain. Basically anything that would make me feel better, after all, things are crazy, I need to react to what's going on don't I? Well, let me share with you exactly what I've been telling the enemy. I don't have for this.
So, I'm moving on, I'm walking forward, in the direction of my heavenly father, who's character never fails. It's weird though. I feel unsure, and a little nervous. I've never really stepped out in faith like this before, especially in this area of my life. But I know that allot more is required of me this go around. I'm required to walk out all that I've been learning. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where God will get the glory, if I let Him.
I'm finding I have to continually go back to what I know of my heavenly father. He's faithful, He's slow to anger and rich in love, He's holy, He's just, He's merciful. These things do not change. I look back at my life and see that He has provided with everything I have ever needed to walk in godliness. His plans have always been to bring me hope and a future. He has never harmed me. I find it interesting that when the Lord's disciples were in the boat, and they saw Jesus coming towards them, they though He was a ghost. They were freaked right out. Why did Jesus pick then to walk out on the water? The middle of the night? In the middle of a raging storm? When they were tired, when they were scared, when they were weak. If He was looking for perfection, you'd think He would've shown up in the middle of the day, and maybe on a puddle instead of the sea, but He didn't. He wasn't looking for perfection, He was looking for faith. And faith can not be excersized unless it is tested. How many times have I looked up, gotten scared and cried out for God to save me from the enemy, the ghostly figure coming towards me, when all along, it's Jesus! Now, believe me, this is weird to me, it's unfirmiliar territory. You think I've walked on water before? No way, I've not been given any puddles to practice on, this isn't a frozen lake people. But, in obedience and faith, I have stepped out of the boat. Now I hear the trick is to not look down?

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Fashion Crisis 101

What is with the jean styles now? So low rise that your butt crack shows? Or nevermind, what about the jeans you can buy that have the holes already built in? Forget about getting your jeans dirty, because you can now also buy pre-dirty jeans. Has everyone gone nuts? We are in a fashion crisis people! Look around you, people are actually spending good money, on dirty, torn, ripped up jeans, that sit so low on your body that I'm surprised they even stay up. So, where are sane girls like myself supposed to find a decent pair of jeans, remembering that I would prefer to remain young and hip for at least a few more years........ :)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I am alive and I am very well.......
Our computer has been down for the last week and a half, and it has been a big blessing in disguise for me. I've been spending some good times with God, and He has been revealing more of who He is to me. I serve an amazing God! He has been pruning, doing some major character tweeks, but most of all, blessing me more than I ever thought imaginable. The spirit of God is alive people!! I believe that I am on the verge of a major breakthrough, in my spiritual journey with the Lord. He has been taking me places, places unknown, where I have been expected to take what He has been teaching me, and put it into action. Many times, I have fallen short, but I am called to be an overcomer! A warrior, not just a lazy christian who barely makes it through the day, let alone bringing the gospel to the nations. The Lord has been showing me that it takes more than once in a while, that it takes more than only going to Him at times of crisis and desperation. It takes more than words, empty promises, and good intentions. The word says in Ecclesiastes 5:4 that God has no interest in fools who do not fulfill their vows.
God has been preparing my heart for what I believe is now. I believe now is the time, for many, to walk out in faith, and in freedom and confidence anticipate a huge outpour of the holy spirit! He is alive! Hallelulia Praise You Jesus! He is so good.......
It was such a nice treat to catch up on all of your blogs, and it's also been nice to put the computer aside and build into those special relationships that God has put in place. It is so pleasing to the Lord when we get together and lift one another up in encouragment and prayer. So may the relationships God has placed in your life to be fed in this season, be blessed, and fruitful. And may the relationships that are called to a time of rest, or "letting go" as princess warrior put it, also be blessed and released in the name of the Lord. May He reign over it all! Love you guys,

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A few things I have learned in the last few days.....

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
-Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
-Proverbs 10:31 The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.

"In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday."
-Seize the day, make it count, it's the first day of the rest of your life, or maybe, the last.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


This is a picture of the tunnel at the Forestry Farm. But this was not what I saw. I saw a light. A bright and shinning light at the end of a tunnel. I saw hope.

Hope is something that I've been learning about. The bible says in Romans 5:5 that hope does not disppoint us. Never. Hope will never fail us, let us down, neglect, be inefficient or unsuccessful. Now, this is a promise that I can easily stand on.

But, how do we achive a state of hope? I think we all know it takes a little more than will-power. In the very same passage that we find this wonderful promise it first states that we must "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering develops perseverance, perseverance character, and charater hope." There is an order here, the first is to rejoice in sufferings, only then will we begin to develop perseverance, and only then will we develop our character, and only then, will we be able to add, hope.
Isaiah 40:31 says that "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint."
This doesn't say, 'Everyone' will renew their strength. It doesn't say 'Anyone and everyone' will soar like eagles. It says, Those who put their hope in the Lord. The word "put" is an action word. It means to place, to assign and to apply. It's a verb, which means it actually requires us to do something. To hope is to choose to rejoice in the sufferings of Christ, because He loved us first!
"But hope that is seen is not hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Ro 8:24)
Hope does not disppoint us! Our hope comes from HIM! If we can walk in obedience to the almighty, and embrace in His sufferings, then we can truly say and believe, that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Father you are the giver of hope. You are the perfector of our faith. May we lay down our own strength, our feeble knees and weak arms.... It is only by your grace that we can become mighty warriors, warriors who fight for hope. I pray Lord that you would pour out your hope on us, that we could walk out in the sufferings that we are all facing God, that we could embrace them with rejoicing, knowing that you are our hope. And you will never leave us or forsake us, you will never fail us or disappoint us. Thank you Jesus for who you are, and may we continue to gain understanding of how to be more like you.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I'm not stayin.....

"You cannot go with God and remain where you are."
You mean to say, something is actually required of me to follow God?
Do not try to shortcut the desert time, it only leads to cul-de-sacs, which force you to revisit the lessons you are meant to learn. You can either decide you don't need the desert, maybe you have too much pride to admit you have no idea what you're doing. Or, you can decide to give up, and refuse it, maybe you think you've had your share of suffering. Or, you can decide to accept it, to embrace it. God often keeps us in these places until we accept it anyway......
"If My people would but listen to Me, if Israel would follow My ways, how quickly would I subdue their enemies and turn My hand against their foes!" (Ps. 81:13-14)

Incase you're wondering, I'm speaking to myself. There have been lessons God has been trying to teach me, that I don't seem to be getting. But yesterday I put a stake in the ground. I decided to give it all back to the Lord, and to choose His peace, despite what may be happening around me. I want to go with God, so I'm not staying here......

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sometimes this christian thing is like pulling teeth!

What does God do when He finds rotten character issues stinking up our spiritual walk? He yanks it out to be exposed by ripping it out by the root.
I made a discovery on Saturday afternoon, I found a small hole in my wisdom tooth. I poked around with my tongue, got out a mirror, and sat in front of the mirror for a while making funny faces. My hubby suggested that it was probably a filling that had fallen out, and left the a hole where they had drilled. This made sense to me, so I got on the phone with my cousin the dentist, and told her I needed a new filling. Well yesterday I went in to see her, and she layed it on me that I was not missing a filling, I had a rotten tooth! She said she'd have to pull it, or I'd be in for a major tooth ache. Now, this was the first time seeing my cousin as my dentist. I was nervous to get her reaction to my teeth. I even brushed the crap out of my daughters teeth, just incase she checked in there! My husband was bugging me about how now she'll know how gross my mouth is and at family gatherings she'd be weird around me. Of course he was kidding, but he based it on the fact that I have never really taken good care of my teeth. So, I had a rotten tooth, and it was litterally falling apart from the inside out. I had tooth decay. Groooooossssss! I was so embarassed! She pulled it out, root and all, and exposed to me and everyone else in the room, a black tooth.
I want to use this as encouragement to those who find themselves in situations where God is exposing some things in your life that may seem black and rotten. God wants to rip that out, and save you from major pain! He will finish what He's started! He's promised! Whether you're in the freezing process, the pulling process, or the complete exposure of your black tooth, you are in a good place! You are safe, and He is pleased with you!
I found it so amazing that my cousin made me feel so comfortable and accepted. She kept assuring me that it wasn't my fault, that it was quite common that wisdom teeth experience decay, as they're real hard to keep clean way back there. She gave me way more freezing then I ever thought nessesary, because she didn't want me to feel a thing. And I didn't! She even told me that I had great and beautiful teeth! HA! She showed me right then and there, that she has an uncontional love for me, whether my whole mouth is rotten or not. But really though, is this not how God comforts us? It's ok, it may hurt a bit, but it's for your own good. Don't worry about how you got here, I forgive you! Now let's get to work and get that outta there! Ready?

Monday, August 15, 2005

What was Abraham thinking when he was walking up that mountain to sacrifice his one and only son?.............

I can see the mountain in front of me, it looks hard, high and steep, cold...... I look down at my feet, and see they're not moving. It's like my logical brain has kicked in, and refuses to let my feet move any closer to what it interprets as danger. I look around, and find that I'm alone. No one is looking over my shoulder to make sure that I'm doing what God's asking me to. No one is even aware that I'm holding a knife in my hand....... Life is moving on, but I'm standing still. It's like a dream.......a bad dream.

I guess the question I should be asking myself is not, can I walk up this mountain? but, can I stay down here, where I am?
There's a bitterness that doesn't seem to go away, an anger that only grows with time, an unforgiveness that's eating at me, and soon will consume me. Can I afford to not walk up the mountain?

For the last 4 and a half years, I've been fighting a battle. At times I've given up, and even joined the dark side, and others, I've gone out swinging with my head held high. Consistency has been unknown, it's either up, or down, or both.
My heart's desire is to walk in victory, in faith, in peace. But I'm finding I give into fear, and walk a road of slavery instead of freedom. What does it even look like to trust the Lord so much, that you could raise a knife to your own child? I've met many mothers, who seem to just go through their days, "putting up" with the responsibilities of being a mom, but that's not me. I understand now what it means to be a real mom, a 'mommy'. To lay your life down for your child, to put their needs above your own, to be selfless and loving, even when you don't feel it.
Sometimes I wish I was dumb. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be like those mothers, who 'put up' with it all, but see no real value in what they're doing. Because then I wouldn't know what I'm losing, when I send her into the darkness. I'd think this was normal, even good! At least I get breaks! But, I'm not dumb........

It's when she's out of my care that I worry, and give into fear. But God says,
"What if I took her out of your care completely? Would you still trust me?"


Absolutely not.......But I want to.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I've been tagged by Mad and Restless

10 Years ago.........
I was 11, I had braces, my sister was in rehab, and I knew more about drugs than any 11 year old should know.

1 Year ago.........
I was unsuccessfully trying to settle into married life, my husband came home from work everyday covered in rock dust, I got rid of my last and final piercing, and I was 15 pounds lighter.

I went to my sister-in-law's gift opening, I had sore feet from dancing it up with my sister the night before, I went to bed with a smile on my face knowing that all the festivities from the wedding are finally over.

My hubby is back to work, and I am back to play.

5 snacks I enjoy.........
Only 5??
Chips, fries, deep fried cauliflower and zuchini, loaded nachos and cheese, and Skittle's.
(and no, I don't need to be told where the 15 pounds might have come from)

Best Impression..........
my family members

5 Things I would do with $100 000 000.........
Take my daughter to Disney world, send my parents on a cruise, buy a huge playground for my sister's backyard, give to my church, and buy a house.

5 Locations I would run away to...........
Italy, Hawaii, Florida, New york, San Fransisco

5 Bad Habits I have..........
over eating, over spending, laziness, sleeping in and picking my toenails and skin off.

5 things I love doing..........
Singing, playing guitar and piano, laughing, spending time with loved ones and watching my little girl grow up.

5 things I would never wear........
only 5???
a bikini, low rise jeans, tube tops, Stiletto heels, short skirts.

5 Movies I like.........
Riding in cars with boys, 13 going on 30, School of Rock, Lean on me, The Italian job

5 Famous people I would love to meet.........
Jesus, John Candy, Jack Black, the lead singer of Korn (Brain Head Welch) who recently gave his life to Christ and left the band, and Ginny Owens.

5 Biggest Joys at the moment.......
Worship through music and dance, puzzles with my little girl, anything with my hubby, laughing with my sister, and blogging.

5 favorite toys.........
my car, my camera, my computer, my guitar and my hubby.

5 people to tag......
are there 5 people left?
Living my faith, firestarter, and worship warrior

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

My long weekend

My hubby and I went camping this long weekend. I know what you're thinking, YOU went camping? Yes, yes I did. Here's an update for those who don't me well. I, like hotels. I like malls, air-conditioning, flush toilets and restaurants. These are the things worth living for. A vacation for me would be room service, a hot tub and a shopping spree. But of course, my opposite hubby has different thoughts on the matter. He loves nature, God's creation, roughing it. Sleeping bags, tents, fires and fishing are just a few of what he sees in a vacation. So, this weekend, I embarked on our first camping adventure.

"So we're leaving our nice apartment and our comfy bed to sleep on an uncomfortable air mattress and in a cold tent? I don't get it."

As soon as we got there we discovered that the place was swarming with horse flies. Now, I do alright with bugs, considering my lizard eats crickets and meal worms. But when it comes to bugs that bite, especially ones that draw blood, I am not a happy camper (litterally). So I had a few moments of flipping out, running around like the typical city girl, arms flayling and all. I'm sure my husband was so proud.

My husband cut himself chopping wood. It was gross.

Once we settled in, the horse flies had gone to bed, and my hubby stopped bleeding, we sat down in front of a nice fire and played cards. That evening when we went to bed, my hubby stripped to his shorts, while I put on my sweat pants, socks and my bunny-hug (with the hood on). I snuggled up under the thick comforter and the extremely warm fleece blanket. It's a blessing that we don't pay for heat in our apartment, or we'd spend a fortune.

The toilets were the same type you would find in a camp trailor. This made me a much more fun person to be around, as I don't deal well with outhouses. They also had showers, and as gross as it was for me to shower with a bunch of mosquito's and moths, it was nice to feel clean.

After spending a good portion of the afternoon in the sun............................... We turned pink...................................

We went fishing. No fish, but a good time. I got one of my hooks stuck in the rocks, and my hubby had to cut my line. While it would've been neat to have fish for dinner, we still ate very well.

No weiners and beans for us!

We had a good time, lots of laughs, fun and quality time spent together. But still, I was glad to come home. Notice I'm already painting my toe nails.

I'm sure my bush woman of a mother would cringe at my version of camping. Queen size air matress, portable stove, chicken breasts and steak, shower and flush toilets. My husband and I had a little giggle after one of my flip-outs over a horse fly, about how I definately do not get my appreciation of nature from my mother. But I sure did get her love for shopping! Thanks mom!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Why do opposites attract? First of all I think it's because God has a great sense of humor. But more so, I think it's so we can learn what being and having another half really means. My husband and I are very different. We think differently, act differently, communicate differently, were raised differently and do things way differently. We are in many ways, an extreme case of opposite's.
I am shy, he is outgoing. I grew up without, he grew up with. I like the indoors, he loves nature. I love splerging and shopping, he hates spending money. I'm layed back in allot of ways, while he is uptight. I'm irresponsible, he's got it together. I'm not disciplined, he always reaches the goals he sets. I'm a night person, he's a morning person. I'm musically inclined, he's tone-deaf. I'm uneducated, he's smart. I'm long-winded, while he stays silent. I'm indecisive, he's quick to act. I'm a follower, he's a natural leader. I want to finish something perfectly, he just wants to get it finished period.

For the first few months of our marriage, I found it very hard to see past our many differences. I missed out on many of the blessings God had for me, because I was too selfish to serve my husband, and be greatfull for his uniqueness. As God has grown me to fall in selfless love with my husband, and my role as a wife, I've realized what it means to have another half. I am not complete without my other half. He is everything I am not! We compliment eachother in such a way that when we are together in unity nothing can stand against us! I know this now, with all my heart, that as long as we are a team and walking in unity, we are sanctified. Our marriage, our family, our daughter, our lives, are protected and sanctified, from any weapon that might be formed against us.

As many of you know, there is a One Heart Extravagant Worship night next Thursday. A call to restore the covenant between French and English Canada, the covenant between us and God, and the covenant between marriages (healing for those that are broken, and a stand for God's purposes for marriage). My heart is very excited to witness what God is going to do, and how His spirit is going to move. I believe God is going to release many things in us, individually and corperately. He's been preparing us for this night. The Bible talks about where two or more are gathered, what about a whole nation? Experiencing this kind of unity is going to be amazing! Let's stand for what God's purposes for our nation are, lay down our rights and plans, and come in complete abandonment.
The amazing things God has done in my marriage, is what I hope for my family, my brothers and sisters in Christ. That we may be able to see our differences as uniqueness. That we may be able to lay down our lives in selfless love, the love that comes only from the Father. I've tried to love you in my own strength, I have! And just like in the early months of my marriage, I found myself at war with you! Only through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ am I even able to go on. I want to give it all back to Him. My ways your ways, my thoughts your thoughts, my heart your heart, they are all very different. And thank you Lord that we are not the same! Our common ground is Christ alone! Let us stand on His promises for us, our marriages, our body and our nation.
I'm so glad that we are different, that we all have something unique to offer to one another. That you can help me through my weakenesses, and I can do the same for you. We are all significant!
He delights in us, and rejoices over us. When we come together in unity, He is blessed, He is happy, He is glorified. Be blessed my family, may the Lord keep you, and may His face shine upon you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Is it hot in here? or is it just me?

I used to like to play with fire. Anytime I could get my hands on my parents lighter or matches I was burning something. I created little fires in back alleys, and one time almost started my moms purse on fire. I can remember vividly the day I discovered how much fun it was to burn a piece of Kleenex. (If you've never experienced this great entertainment, please, I urge you to try it, unless of course you're a small child, in which case, DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE!) That same day, right after I had been burning Kleenex, my dad came home from work and asked me right away if I had been playing with fire. I answered no, thinking there was no possible way he could have known what I was up to. But as it turned out, I had singed my eyebrows and eyelashes, evidence I had obviously overlooked. Anyways, as I've grown, I've come to respect that fire is not to be toyed with. However, as much as I try to respect fire, it still has a way of finding me. Like the time I turned the eliment on high and forgot about the unlit cigarette I stuck on it. After some time I retunred to the kitchen to find my smoke had burned itself into ashes, and a teatowel sitting nearby had set on fire. Or the time my eliment was so dirty, full of things that had boiled over from being cooked on high and forgotten about, that it set on fire when I was cooking veggies. My mother-in-law bought us 400$ pots and pans for Christmas last year, and told me she'd kill me if I ever cooked on high with them. Needless to say I've now learned to cook on medium. Well, this last Saturday we had a couple from church over for supper. I decided I was going to bake some potatoes, so being pressed for time, I stabbed the crap out of them first and nuked them in the microwave. I rushed through the tinfoil process which wasn't wise, because I put butter in the tinfoil as well. It's happened to me before where there will be a rip in the tinfoil and the butter leaks out. Well, this is what happened. No big deal, other than the fact that it started smoking up a storm at the bottom of the oven. I opened the oven and smoke filled my kitchen. It was already a billion degrees in our apartment, so it was such a nice treat to have the oven wide open while my hubby was trying to clean up the mess I'd created. Well, it was alright for about two minutes, until I noticed that a small fire had started in the bottom of the oven. Large enough that our friends could see the glow around the corner in the living room. They asked us if we needed the fire extinguisher, and I was too embarassed to mention that we don't even have one. My face must have been another shade of red, and it wasn't from the heat of the flames. My husband came to rescue yet again, and saved the potatoes. I assured my guests that I do cook, and I've never started my oven on fire before. They had a good laugh though, and I'm glad I was able to provide them with some entertainment while they were here. I'm so glad that my Heavenly Father takes care of me, otherwise I'm sure there would be many days that my husband would come home from work to find that our home had fallen apart.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

His grace is sufficent!

That last post I wrote, I have to admit that I've been having some major difficulties walking it out. I have not been a dead man, I've been a selfish one. God has been plowing away, at my selfishness and my pride. His message has been constant. Through every person I encounter, through every song I hear, every word I read, His grace is sufficent. I can not do this in my own strength. I know that, because I have been defeated, by my very own weapon. God has been dishing out the encouragment, reminding me that He's backing me up, that He still loves me. And every time He's encouraged me, I've soaked it up, walked away, and immediately turned back to my selfish pride. Like the man who looks at himself in the mirror and walks away, right away forgetting what he looks like. I have been so foolish! I read in Luke yesterday, the story of Jesus on the shore, telling His disciples to throw their nets in one more time. They had been fishing all night, they must have been tired, hungry, and I bet slightly annoyed that Jesus had even asked them to do anything. You don't think Peter thought to himself, Yeah, hellooo, we tried that already! Like fifty billion times. It must've seemed like a dumb request, pointless. But Peter's response was, "On the ground of Your word we will lower the nets again" Wow, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I'm annoyed, but on the ground of your word! I will trust you! The truth that God wants to plant deep in my heart is that His grace is sufficent. That I can cry out for help and I will get it. That I can't fight this fight on my own, that I can admit defeat. On Sunday morning, we sang the song 'Shackles', one of my favorite songs. I was so blessed that the Lord spoke to me so much through worship that morning. One verse in that song is,
"Everything that could go wrong All went wrong at one time So much pressure fell on me I thought I was gonna lose my mind But I know you wanna see If I will hold on through these trials But I need you to lift this load Cause I can't take it anymore"
"Lift this load!" A cry for grace! He freely gives His grace to those who ask. "I can't take it anymore", a cry of surrender! He fully takes control of your life when you give Him the control. This made me think of when my husband and I were engaged. We decided we would walk in purity, which was easy to decide, harder to walk out. It was only until I came before the Lord in brokeness, crying out for His grace that He was able to protect us. I realized fully with open eyes, that I was not able to do this on my own, that I would not make it without Him. I can remember hearing the audible voice of God that day. He said, "I've been waiting for you to say that."
When people in my life, people who are cloes to me, tell me they love me, I'm thankful that God has given them His grace to love me, because I know if they were walking in their own strength, it would be reeeeeaaaaally difficult, well basically imposible to love me sometimes. I'm no different than the ones I'm called to love. It is when I start to believe I am different that I develop the pride that stunts my growth, and keeps me from fulfilling my destiny. Pride is the root source of the need to change another person. Like I know better? As if. Like I am better? No way.
I'm not sure how to sign off, so I'm going to let my daughter give a few words of wisdom:
Pickle Friday, yeah and hamburger Friday and then slurpy icecream, and yummy babysiting and please I run in the hallway.....and that's it.
Ahh, listening to a small child always seems to put things in perspective doesn't it? What on earth was I worried about again?........

Friday, July 08, 2005

I feel.......wrong

I was reading this article this morning about emotions. It asks the question, when do emotions become sin? It seems that this is the question I've been asking for a while, so I was excited that someone might have an answer. His suggestion was, when emotions upset our peace, they are sin. This got me thinking, hmm, how many times have I allowed my emotions to upset my peace in the last while.........many. It went on to talk about how Christ wants up to live as though we were dead. Well, does a dead man get mad, flustered or frustrated? What the heck does he have to be frustrated about, he's dead! Now, if I were to share what some of the many things are that I am having to endure, I know that many of you would justify my feelings. My feelings are valid, and for good reason. But if I'm dead, then what is it to me? Who am I anyway? It is the world that tells us we need to be justified, treated fairly and shown respect. What does Christ tell us? That we will be crucified, persecuted and insulted. But He also tells us that He will give us His grace, wisdom, peace, love, understanding, patience and endurance. I do not want these things to be "upset" by my emotions. I've been crying out for justice, and it is justice that God wants to give. But my version of justice is different. Is it His will that none shall be lost. He's sent me out to fight, for His justice, not mine. I read in one of the "bloggless ones" comments, that arguing and debating might shed light, but it will not open blinded eyes. I admit that my eyes have been blinded to the bigger picture. And I have been complaining and venting, hoping that someone will come along with the answer that will "shed light" on what I should do. All the while, God's already told me what I need to do. 'Stand in the front line' He says, 'and bring glory to my name! Shout my name from the mountains and rejoice with song! Be humble, serve, and pray, for those whom I love so much, and want at my banquet table! I have placed you here to fight for the least of these, not to turn against them. Do not be blinded by the enemies schemes, You ARE dead to sin, and you ARE a new creation, and I WILL accomplish my great works in you!'

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I am mother hear me roar

My heart feels like it's breaking in two. I'm feeling anxiety, nervousness and helplessness. I am a mother, with a God-given fierce heart for my child. I am very protective of my daughter, and my standards for her are very high. My hopes and dreams for her far outweigh my own, and I would give my life if it meant saving hers. As many of you know, my wonderful husband is not the biological father of our daughter. She goes to see her dad every second weekend as well as the ocassional holiday or lunch-in here and there. This summer, it's been agreed that she will go for an entire week with her dad. I knew this day was coming, and I've been dreading it since. So it is here. The reality of it is setting in, that I will not see her for one whole week. For many parents out there, you might be thinking wow! What are you complaining about? I'd love to have a week break! Well, I would not. My daughter is my calling, one of my few important and meaningful purposes in this life. The rest of my life has been put on hold. When people ask what I do, I say her. I've never been away from her for longer than a weekend since she was six months old. What on earth am I going to do with myself? I had a big cry tonight, and I know there's many more where that came from. My little girl will be leaving at the end of this month. Could you all please pray durring that time? That she will be protected and safe, and that I will stay sane and alive. My husband gave me a long hug tonight. I felt God telling me that He wants to hold me like that, and that I can rest in His arms. That He will carry me and comfort me through this, as He always does. It's so mind blowing to think that God's heart for my daughter is bigger than I could ever fathom. His hopes and dreams for her are bigger than I could imagine. And He protects her far better than I ever could. Seems like a pretty awesome God to release her to.

Monday, July 04, 2005

My addiction, I mean my other one....

I'm going through withdrawls!! Any of you who know me well, know that I am a picture taking freak. I can barely go two seconds without snapping away, and if I have nothing to snap at, I take pictures of my feet. Yes, I said my feet. I have a whole folder devoted to my "feet pics". My hubby and I have over 8 thousand 5 hundred pictures stored up on our hard drive! I will not miss a chance to snatch a memory, and still it in a picture. The amazing wonders and awes of God's creation? Got it. My little girl growing, in every way, got it. Laugh attacks, funny moments, silliest faces, even my little neice puking in my sisters mouth, got it! Anyways, my wonderful husband took me to Moose Jaw two weekends ago, and we stayed at the spa. It was heavenly. Unfortunately, we left our battery charger there. Our batteries are dead and our camera sucks up normal batteries in a matter of minutes. We're still waiting on the hotel people to get back to us, I'm getting impatient man! Today I took my little girl and her cute little girl friend from church to the paddling pool. Man, I felt like I had just quit smoking and I was on day one. Or like I had no money to spend but was hanging out in a shopping mall all day. They were being so cute and doing such cool things, and I had no camera! I would turn it on to take a quick picture, but the batteries were so low that it would just shut off as soon as I turned it on. So, I'm going through withdrawls. Holy eh? Do I have an addictive personality or what? Nothing in moderation..... Who the heck takes pictures of their feet?

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Be alert and self-controlled

Me and my hubby have decided that we are going to start getting up earlier. While this is no big deal for my hubby, as he's a morning person, I have not yet followed through with the commitment. He keeps getting me up and I keep falling back asleep. Most of the time it's not even that I'm mentally making the decision to fall back sleep, I just do. I'm not alert enough to think straight. I love my sleep. I love it enough to let my guard down, and allow my desire for sleep to take over, take over my commitment to myself, and my husband. God wants us to be always alert and self-controlled. So that the desires of our flesh can not grab ahold of us, and rip us away from what we're called to do as christians. I lost sight of this the other day. I woke up wanting to be productive and happy. I wanted to give that day to God, and wanted to glorify Him in all I did. Well, He tested me that day, and I failed. Each and every single test, I failed. I gave into my flesh my frustrations and my anger. At one point I threw something across the room and said a, hmmm, "unproductive" word. Now, I have not behaved this way in a long time. While I have a history of anger and fits, God has been slowly breaking that away, as I've been learning to walk in self-control. This was not me, at least, not the real me that I've finally been discovering. No, this was an old unhealthy pattern that I was so quick to step into, with no guard up, no armor and no self-control. I was not alert. Later that day, after I had realized my sinful ways, I caught my little girl, getting frustrated because she couldn't get her barbie's dress on. My heart sank. I apologized to my daughter for being so wrong, and prayed that she would not walk in a lack of self-control. Well God, you got my attention! sorry it took so long I've been fiddling around..... But hey, it's pretty cool that today is a new day, and that His mercies are new every morning. A late morning might I add......but a great morning none the less.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

spare change?

I love change!

Ask my hair, I change it at least once every two months, and that's on a good run. I've been blonde, brown, black, purple, blue, auburn, green! and my personal favorite, fire engine red. I've had it long, medium as well as short and spikey. I've had curly perms, I have natural wave, and I can dry it poker straight. I love to change my hair! When something new and good comes into my life, I celebrate by changing my hair. When things aren't going good in my life, I give myself a pick-me-up by changing my hair. When I get rid of something bad in my life, I release it by changing my hair. (by the way, just between us, I'm getting a little sick of the blonde already!)

Change rocks! It's new, it's fresh, it's original. However, as much as I love change, these things about me, not others, not God. It seems that whenever God asks me to change something He wants changed, I'm not so quick to get to it. When things in my character that need tweeking are pointed out by my brothers and sisters, I'd much rather stay where I am, then walk in the change that's needed. I find excuses very easily, as to why I don't need to change, THEY do! (isn't that the truth) Every single time I've ever gone to God with the attitude of wanting another person to change, He always comes back with these two responses. Focus on what I need to change in my life, and focus of the UNchanging characteristics of God.

The truth is, if I never changed, I would be an unproductive member of the church of Jesus Christ. If I never changed I would be of no threat to the kingdom of darkness. If I never changed, I would never learn anything new, and therefore would never grow. So may my passion for changing my hair be the same passion I have for changing to be more like Christ! If it were, man, I'd be flyin! Hey, with these new thoughts, maybe I should seal it by changing my hair......
I've been tagged by Carebear!

Man, this is going to be tough but I'll give it a whirl.....

Total books I've ever owned: hmm, we're not big readers over here. My reading material consists of shopping catalogues, Calvin and Hobbes, "Coffee perks", and yes, your blogs. We have a little over 100 books, 50 some of which are my daughters, and to say that I've actually read my share of them is another story.

Last book I bought: I don't really buy myself books anymore, I've learned that they usually sit on the shelf. But this last Christmas we bought books for presents. 'The purpose driven life', 'I kissed dating good bye', and 'what the Bible says about arthritis'.

Last book I read: I'm in the process of re-reading 'every woman's battle'. It's an amazing book filled with many truths, so many that I didn't quite get all of them the first go around.

5 books that mean alot to me:
There have only been a few books that have impacted me me enough to stick them through to the end, and they are
"I kissed dating good bye" the Lord taught me through this book to be thankful with where God has me.
"The purpose driven life" this is another one of those books that should be re-read. An awesome eye opening book of what your role is as a christian.
"Every woman's battle" this was an amazing look at female sexuality and our role as godly women and wives.

May I have a Great mind

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I stumbled across this quote the other day, and have been pondering it since. I can't help but admit that I have had a small mind most of my life. God has been slowly breaking this unhealthy pattern for a while now, but it's still a stuggle for me. My mind is curious, about all the wrong things. I always want to know who's talking to who, why where and when, and what was said with what body language and tone of voice. So that I, can then form my own opinion of a situation that I myself was not a part of. Why do I do this? What do I gain when I go digging for information? I keep thinking that I'll strike gold, but instead I keep finding garbage.
I've been gossiped about. I've had personal intimate struggles made public by those I've trusted. I've had judgements come against me by those who are ignorant to the truth of the situation, but carry with them a hint of second hand information. I know very much how it feels to be talked about for reasons other than encouragement and bringing glory to God for all He's done and is doing. I've felt betrayed, dishonored and violated.
I want this unhealthy pattern in my life to stop. Why would I want others to feel how I've just described? I'm not thinking of these things as I'm gossiping, I'm only thinking of feeding my flesh, my cravings and my selfish desires. Maybe I like to build myself up by knowing what others are struggling with. Wow...... is that me?
God has been showing me that His love for me is not based on my performance. He's been doing things in me and in my life, that defy all logic. I ask myself, what have I been doing God that deserve all this blessing? The answer my friends is nothing. He's pouring out His spirit on someone who struggles with the very same things I judge others for. It seems that He's working out the judgemental spirit in allot of us, He wants us to come together in unity. He wants us to talk about eachother in love, He wants us to build eachother up, encourage eachother, and praise Jesus for the amazing work He's done in us! In my flesh I am judgemental and critical, but thank God I can love you all through His grace and His grace alone! Thank you Jesus that your love is not based on our performance. And thank you fellow brothers and sisters for loving me through good times and bad. I want to love you the same!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Thank you Jesus

Wow, what a mighty awesome God we serve! This morning I was privileged to witness a battle. The awesome godly men of my church family raised the sword of the spirit and declared their rightful place in the heavenly's as men of God. I witnessed lies being broken off in the name of Jesus, and truths being declared. These great men, lifted their voices and confessed their sin and brokeness, and cried out for God's mercy and grace. I can think of no other place I'd would have rather been than right in the midst of spiritual warfare, battle, victory and divine order. God is doing something HUGE! He is bringing in His order, so that we may see His blessing and GLORY! In our lives, in our families, in our church and in our nation! Praise you Jesus! What an amazing sight it was to see grown men, be broken before the Lord. For it is in brokeness that we are strong. The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength. ~ 1 Samuel 2:4
'Paul was broken on the Damascus road. Peter was broken after Jesus was taken prisoner. Jacob was broken at Peniel. David was broken after his sin with Bathsheba. The list could go on of those the Lord had to break in different ways before they could be used in the Kingdom. When we are broken, we see the frailty of human strength and come to grips with the reality that we can do nothing in our own strength. Then, new strength emerges that God uses mightily. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.'
Bless all of you men who walked humbly before the Lord this morning, layed down your lives and raised that sword high! What you declared here on earth was declared in the heavenly's, and as my uncle John would say, "AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING!"
Thank you men on behalf of us women, we love you and bless you.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Yesterday my daughter and I went over to my sisters for our first summery day. The kids went on the slip and slide while my sis and I tanned. It went about the same as any other year, we would try and talk and visit, but it would constantly get interupted with "so-and-so won't give me a turn"........"so-and-so's not following the rules"........."so-and-so's not sharing" Ahhhh, the joys of this season of small children. My sister has a 4 month old, so we took her out and brain stormed ideas to keep her out of the sun. My sister went and got a big umbrella, and set it over her. This worked well, but there was a bit of a wind that kept blowing the umbrella over. So my sister went and got 4 belts tied together, I tied one end to the umbrella, and she took the other end and tied it on her bike. This seemed fine, until the wind blew the umbrella over sideways. I was laying down right beside it, and at one point, it blew right on top of my head. My sister and my nephew stood and laughed for a bit before taking it off. When we realized this was not going to work, it was suggested that we just stick the baby in the shade by the tree...............
'nuff said

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Family Ties

The Kennedy's are off. The army of God is on it's way to Calgary/Airdrie. Chris and I were able to go to their farewell last night, and it was amazing. What an awesome family we have. There was a time for people to share words of encouragment, and there seemed to be the same theme with many. That was, that the Kennedy's were always able to be "themselves". To be comfortable in who God created them to be. "Comfortable in their own skin" as Dianne said. Knowing their purpose and going for it, with a 'Sam' laugh of course.
I recently read this article speaking on Acts 19:15 "One day an evil spirit asked them, 'I know Jesus, and I know about Paul, but who are you?" It went on to ask, if satan and his board members were having a meeting about you, what would they say? Are you a threat? Or do they leave you alone? It was nice to have read that in time, because I was able to share with Sam, that it's very evident in his walk, that he in deed is a threat. One Sunday morning, I first handedly experienced his threat. I had a bout of depression this last Christmas, which lasted through the months of Janurary and February. I went on anti-depressants as a quick fix, but for those of you who were privy to the situation, know that it was not a quick fix at all. They gave me severe insomnia, and I didn't sleep for two weeks. I felt adandoned by my doctor who had left on vacation right after seeing me, and no professional would help me without the advice of my family doctor. I started popping gravel to drug myself to sleep, and slowly weened myself off of the "quick fix". All the while, I was still in self pity, still in the desert, and still wanting to throw in the towel. One Sunday, I raised the white flag of surrendering, I knew I couldn't fight this fight anymore, or I would die. I receiced prayer from many. My eyes were closed and I was crying, so I wasn't aware of what was being said, or who was saying it. But I knew when it was Sam (the awesome touch of the shaking hand), and I knew whatever was being prayed was penetrating. I could literally feel things being broken and falling off. I could feel things being released like I've never experienced before. It was like I came alive that day! Thank you Lord for people like Sam, who are a threat in times of need. Who are willing to walk in Your spirit and giftings You've given. Thank you Lord for sending Your spirit to me, through Sam, to rescue me, to heal me, to bless me and to release me.
I want to be a threat to the kingdom of darkness. I want to pray with confidence and authority for those who are bound in sin. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and to pass all these characteristics onto my child and future children. I want to be known for being free in who God has created me to be. And if the Lord were to ever lead me and my husband elsewhere, I would want to leave as much of a mark and an influence in our body as the Kennedy's.
Thank you Lord that you are continuously growing us, and sending us out into new things. May we be a church that encourages growth, that releases and blesses. I love our family so much, and am so blessed to have all of you! Thank you for helping me grow. Peace and Love,

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

God grant me patience.......and hurry!

"Don't ask God for patience unless you want it to be tested."
Recently, God has brought a relationship to my attention that needs my time effort and yes, patience. Through this relationship I've realized how much I carry the spirit of divorce. Whenever I've had all that my flesh can handle, I pull away, I avoid, I separate. And what God has been speaking is 'No, I want you to go forth and humble yourself. Lay down your rights and be my servant.' When God told me these things I was all for it, sure God! I'm game for that. But as I've already found, my patience is being tried and tested. I'm being pruned and molded. My character is showing signs of selfishness, pride and arogance, and I'm wondering why I ever asked God for His patience in the first place. I'm pondering how much simpler it would be to do as I always do and retract, however, there is a much bigger picture here. I need to remember that I'm fighting FOR this relationship, and not fighting against it. My weapon is aimed at the wrong target! And anyway, I've got the wrong weapon in my hand, no wonder I'm feeling defeated. I want to be a witness of the love of Christ, and a missionary of His glory. I want people to see me carrying my cross, instead of all the same junk that the world offers. I want to preach the gospel at all times, without using words. My hearts desire is for patience, that I might run the race to it's fullest.

The battle is already won!

The battle belongs to the Lord!
This small piece of truth, so complex yet so simple, has been the testimony of the last four and a half years of my walk. Back in high school, there were a few classes that I struggled in. Math being one of them. Numbers is not my strong point. My husband has learned to not ask my any questions that will force me to do a math problem. (Just as I've learned that he's not the person to ask if I can't spell a word) I've got my Math A30, but this is only because my teacher didn't want me in his class anymore. Once we got into the graphing and what-not, the information started to fly over my head, leaving me confused. However, it was easy for me to shake of feelings of failure, because I figured when will I ever need or use this information? The only thing I came up with, is that I might need to know my fractions, so that it could help me with my shopping, figuring out how much 30% off would be and so on. But even then, I can always ask the people working there to figure it out for me. Yes, I am a sad individual......... I've felt that God has been trying to teach me something for the last four and a half years, that I'm just not getting. I've taken exam after exam, test after test, and I'm just not getting it! It seems that I'm going on a merry-go-round, I'm not getting anywhere, it's the same old same old. The battle belongs to the Lord! So complex, so simple. I've been called, as we all have, to hand over all I have to Him, and to trust that He is in control, not me. But it seems that what I've been called to hand over, and to trust in, is like a math problem. I'm faced with all these crazy numbers and I don't even know where to start, or what to do. I know that there is no better way to learn trust, then in a situation you have no control over what-so-ever. I have moments of endurance to run the race, but eventually I always get tired, and slip into some sort of self-pity/cop out/surrender mode, only I'm not surrendering to Him, I'm surrendering to my fears. "To say that a situation is hopeless, is to slam the door on the face of God." To slam the door on the face of God?! Oh Lord forgive me for being so arogant. I do not know what to do, I do not know what the answer is, and I can not do this in my own strength.

"O God, will you not exercise judgment upon them? For we have no might to stand against this great company that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You"
2 Chronicles 20:12

Lord may my eyes remain on You, for this is your battle. You are my comanding officer, and I will wait for your command. I've heard it said, don't ask God to guide your footsteps, unless you're willing to move your feet. I think I've had a long enough break........
I find it interesting that so many times the Lord has prompted me to prepare for battle, to raise my sword and to stand in the front line, only to find that when I get there, His next command is to lay down my sword and get on my knees. In the front line God? Isn't there a safer place we can hang out together? Pastor Terry said something in his sermon last Sunday that fit very well here. "The safest place you can be in in the will of God." No matter how many bombs are flying at me........ Man, so complex, yet so simple right?

Monday, June 06, 2005

My addiction

Coffee, my best friend, and worst enemy. For as long as I can remember, my mother has had a cup of coffee in her hand. She drinks it as soon as she wakes up in the morning, up until she goes to bed at night. I can remember occasions of her waking up to find that there was no coffee, and on these mornings my dad would have to walk to the nearst store (when we had no car) to buy a pound of coffee, to satisfy his highly addicted wife. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now that highly addicited wife.....
I started drinking coffee as a young teen as I'm sure most of us do. 'Going out for coffee' was the thing to do. Of course I'd add two tablespoons of sugar so that I'd have the pleasure of the syrupy goodness at the bottom of each cup. But as my tastebuds ajusted to this aquired taste, they matured to the point where I was able to drink coffee like 'big people' with only a half teaspoon of sugar. MMMmmmmm........
Coffee drinking remained an evening pleasure up until I started attending Nutana Collegiate. I had been out of school for a couple of years already, so going back was a shock to my system and routine (or lack of one). I would get up with my parents, and share a cup of coffee with my mom. This is when my 'morning coffee' gained it's ground and importance. I was still smoking, so my coffee and cigarette became my morning crutch. I could no longer function without this. I had become, my mother.
Later on durring that same year, I met a friend. Him and I were bums. We did nothing durring the day, nothing that was productive anyways. He drank coffee in the afternoon, and introduced me to this afternoon pick-me-up. I was now drinking coffee in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. It wasn't until I moved out on my own, and having to buy my own groceries, I experienced one of those mornings I witnessed growing up, when I would wake up to find there was no coffee. However, I had no husband to send to the nearest corner store, so I went without. I wasn't aware I was going through withdrawls until I read in a book that coffee withdrawl brings on horrible headaches.
Today, I have a headache. My husband and I have run out of coffee, and the only thing in our home is decaf. But we're going to the grocery store later today to pick up a few things, one of them being my drug, that seems to keep it's grip on me for now. Maybe one day, among the many other things I've cut of my life, coffee will be one of them. And I'll be like all the other normal people who wake up and eat breakfast instead of caffeine, or who go out and order herbal tea. Maybe I'll be one of those normal people who can't drink coffee after a certain time of day or it'll keep them up all night.
But after all, where would we be without the precious coffee bean?

"A morning without coffee is like, sleep"

"Oh bother! said Pooh, as he put his coffee in the microwave"

"Breakfast: coffee and a straw"

"COFFEE.EXE file not found: (a)bort? (r)etry? (p)anic?"

"Filther: a used coffee filter"

With all the trials that come with my addiction to America's favorite drug, I love my coffee. It's my best friend, and worst enemy.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

A Blue day or a New day?

Do you ever relate with the weather? It's been raining, cloudy, grey........ I've heard many people relate grey days to "blue" days. But for me, God's washing some things clean. I just finished washing all our summer sandals, making them look 'good as new', so they're ready for another summer. God specializes in making things new, wow, that rocks. I see Him doing it in almost everyone I know. I see healing, trials, and dry times taking place. He's preparing, making these things new so that they are fit for another season.
So, God has been taking me on a journey of learning better spending habits. For those of you who know me, this is a Hallelulia thing! Before I met Chris, money burned holes in my pockets, and I lived check to check. I grew up with little money, so this is just what you did. Then when Chris and I got married, our income got surprisingly larger. You can imagine the tension this caused, as Chris is very financially resonsible, heck, he's a financial advisor! God bless my husband as he's been so patient and gentle with me....... I've been looking around and asking myself why the heck I have 20 pairs of pants, 20 pairs of shoes and 50 tops. Is this really neccesary? Please don't answer..... So, for the last month or two, I've been in the process of downsizing my overly exessive lifestyle. Not only is it completely materialistic, but my husband doesn't need the added on pressure of having a spending freak sitting at home waiting for the paycheck. It's been up and down, but I will not give up. I've been slipping into my old ways of thinking a bit (I got the Ikea and the Sears catologues the other day, sigh!), but my hearts desire is to be transformed in this area. To be made new!
I've been slacking in my house duties. I've been fighting off a cold, and now that it's almost gone, I'm feeling lazy and unproductive. I can't seem to finish up Jonah's room, and that is ticking me off. It's been a "started" project for a long time, and I can only stand unfinished work for a little bit. So on that note, I suppose I have work to do, thank God for new days,

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Turns out I'm a Lemming

Well, here I am. I've been watching everyone jump on the ban wagon of this "blogging" business, being interested, but not quite interested enough to jump on myself. But I was thinking the other day, how important it is to let others know how you're doing and where you're at, because we're all in this together. So I'm officially on the ban wagon, turns out I'm a lemming. So bless all of you out there in Blogger world, look forward to seeing you on the other side.