Monday, November 01, 2010

Driving for Dummies.

Hello and welcome to driving for dummies. My name Mrs. Nin and I'll be your instructor.
Driving for dummies is a beginner driver course, although, not limited to beginner drivers. Oddly enough, there are people on the road who've been driving for years and still do not understand these simple concepts.

Please take a moment to examine this sign....

Once you've had a good look, examine the following one....

The first thing you probably noticed, is that the two signs are not the same. Yes, you're correct, they are different. Good work people!
The first sign is a merging sign, meaning, you will be merging into and along with traffic.
The second sign if you'll notice the dotted line, is actually preparing you for your very own added lane. Yes people, your very own lane!
Now, let's say it together,
Merging........Own lane. Merrrrrging. OWN lane.
Very good.
Now the key to following these signs, is to first, read them. When you pull up to a right hand turning lane, watch the signs. If you see the second added lane sign, well by golly, don't hesitate to drive into it.
Would it help if you knew that lane was there just for you? It's true! No need to slow down to the speed of a snail, and definitely no need to stop. Heavens please, no stopping. The sign was placed there so that you know NOT to stop.
I know that realizing these things after years of driving, and years upon years of stopping and holding up traffic while other people sit and wait for you to "merge" when there isn't actually any merging involved since you have your own lane and all, not to mention years of driving and never really understanding road signs, can be a bit of a blow to the pride. But don't worry, there's no judging here. This is a safe place. And hey, we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them, and for the love of pete stop stopping and holding up traffic at an added lane turn.

This concludes our driving for dummies. Thank you, and please help yourself to some refreshments on the back table before you go.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A song that blesesd me today.

"Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

tidbits at random in no particular order....

I heart dancing, especially at gay clubs, where I don't get hit on.

I hate it when people wait to merge, when they have their own lane to pull into. Hello, read the sign.

I don't do telephone surveys, ever. Ever.

I hang up on telemarketers before they have a chance to speak.

I'm addicted to 90210 and all it's drama, and I often watch it with my mouth open.

I like chips. No. I LOVE chips. But not weird kinds.

I had a dream the other night that I was washing my kitchen floor, with bleach, and a scrubbie. Yes, even in dream land, I'm cleaning.

I heart P!nk, and all her feministic goodness.

I secretly judge people's parallel parking.

I will start to crave chocolate milk if I haven't had it in a long time. A long time being a few days.

I am getting antsy to set up my amazingly perfect Christmas idol so that I can sit on my couch and worship it's amazing perfection.

I was once told my Christmas tree looks like a Sears display tree, which was intended as a insult, but it was one of the best compliments I'd ever received.

I've grown to be picky of where I'll go out to eat, and feel like a bit of a snob.

Sometimes I doodle my name just like the symbol for the band nine inch nails complete with the square around the NIN and the backwards N, even though I don't like nine inch nails.

I've recently come to love writing angry songs, even when I'm not feeling angry, and I'm loving the freedom of not being in the writing box I put myself in anymore.

I'm sick of my hair to no end, again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Walking, running, sitting, standing, and fighting through this road life has led me to in this last year has been nothing short of hard, confusing, and all kinds of ridiculous. I've made many mistakes along the way, and have experienced many victories as well.
I heard it said just a few days ago, spoken to me by someone who's walked very closely with me through the trials, that there really isn't a right or wrong way to walk this road. My black and white brain finds that difficult to grasp, as there must be a right way, and wrong way, right?
But the more I pick apart what the heart of this message is, the more I realize the truth in it. I'm a human, and I will make mistakes, but as long as I'm headed, or at least, pointed in the right direction, then I'm ok. I am OKAY.
When my head is swimming in lies and accusations, and when the outside world knowingly or unknowingly attacks me to my very core, I get confused. Am I really ok? If the answer to this question is, am I pointed and walking in the right direction, then I can say in confidence, that yes, I am just fine.
Walking with my counselor, she reminds me that there is no one on this earth like me. That can be hard for me to wrap my head around, because there are tons of people like me. Tons of people like to dye their hair until the cows come home, tons of people love tattoos, piercings, fashion. Many people out there have a song writing ability, have two kids, have a husband. And heck let's me honest, do you know how many people drive a Sunfire? :P
It's such a freeing thought, and a big sigh of relief, that these things aren't what make me ME. These things actually have nothing to do with who I am inside. When I feel attacked in who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother, a human being wrestling with life, love and other mysteries, there is a truth I can fall back on that makes it all just fine. Who I am in Christ, can not be shaken.
I understand now, why I fell apart. I understand now why I shattered. I understand that me breaking apart into a million little pieces, actually had nothing to do with what has happened on the outside. I understand that my house was not built on the rock.
While I may not fully be there yet, I know without a doubt, that I am pointed in the direction of building my house on the rock. I choose to believe (although, I may not always feel that choice), that if the world fell apart around me right now, that I would be ok. I choose to believe that if everything I've come to believe about the world around me turned it's back on me, that I would be ok. I've realized that my expectations have been in the wrong place. People will hurt me, people will harm me. Do I have rights? Yes. I have the right to respond in love, and I have the right to walk away in that love. My expectations for love and respect are too high, and will not be met.
But, expecting that God will come through, that God will restore and set free, that God will heal and finish what He's started, these are expectations I can have.
In anticipation, I wait...

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Just a few things I've learned recently:

-Deep fryers are pure evil.

-Laundry isn't as hard as it tells me it is.

-Tattoos get very itchy.

-Certain acne medications can clear up your acne, and then give you loads full in other places where you had none.

-Just because I find a white speck in my hair, does not mean I have lice.

-Living in a constant state of fear of lice, is not beneficial.

-The people that annoy you the most, are usually just like you used to be.

-Saying the word shit accomplishes nothing, but sometimes makes me feel better.

-Most lies are half true.

-Popping 4 codeine pills will make me feel stoned.

-Popping 2 codeine pills is smarter.

-If you eat too many sour cream and cheddar chips, they will start to taste funny.

-Depending on where you're at in life, and where they're at in life, some people have NO idea what you're talking about.

-We Canadians say EH, an awful lot.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Pesky little buggers, that many of us have grown to deal with as a regular and normal part of life. Except me of course.

Did you know that flies cannot eat solid food? They need to consume their food in liquid form. So, when a fly lands on your food, which is most likely in solid form, it will actually vomit on your food, to break down and soften your food in order to eat it.

Me? I'm not a huge fan of vomit. Kid vomit, adult vomit, bug vomit, vomit is vomit. I mean, I'm sorry to be a pain, but vomit, just really isn't my cup of tea. I would much rather eat my food in peace, without there being microscopic fly vomit on it. But hey, that's just me.

God has a funny way of using the strangest things to speak to me through, and most recently, He decided to use a fly.

I was in a counseling meeting last Saturday morning. I was finally sharing some things that had been bubbling up to the surface, that hadn't been shared or spoken of in years, and years, and years. It was a very hard meeting. Facing some of those things was very hard, and very painful, but in the end, there was only one thing I could do to move on, and that was to forgive myself.

During the first half of our meeting, there was a fly, stuck between the window pane and the screen. The window had been left open just enough for him to find his way in, but not quite enough for him to find his way out. For over a half an hour, this fly buzzed and buzzed, only to hit the window over and over. At times he would take a break to rest, only to start up again after a few minutes to try again. My counselor finally at one point, got up to let this loud, noisy and obnoxious fly out.

In that moment I smiled. I smiled because God poured out an amazing picture. I smiled because just like me, that fly did not want to be stuck in that window, and he wasn't choosing to bang his head on the same wall over and over. To him, he couldn't understand why he could see this magical world outside, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't reach it. I smiled because my counselor thought to let him out, and I smiled because even when she opened the window, the fly still didn't fly out. She had to blow him in the right direction, but with that little push, that fly was free. I smiled because in that moment, I felt free.

It made me think of most of the time, I'm my own worst enemy. When I bang my head on the same wall over and over, and beat myself up for not getting something that seems so simple, when in reality, when you're stuck between a screen and a window pane, life is anything but simple, in fact, everything is complicated, and everything is overwhelmingly hard. It made me think about how Jesus has unlocked the doors for me, and how it's my choice to walk through them, but in the times where I'm tired and weary from being stuck for so long, He never ever gets frustrated, instead, He finds ways or people to help blow in the right direction.

I smiled because in that moment, God made things incredibly simple. His love, is incredibly simple. In the times when I'm complex, complicated, confused and overwhelmed, His love for me is still, incredibly simple.

I will still kill my houseflies as soon as they enter my home. I will still be disgusted with them vomiting on my food, to the point of being ridiculously anal as I tend to be. But I think, that maybe.............I'll still smile.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hi, I'm Nin, and I'm a clean freak

Hi, I'm Nin, and I'm a clean freak.

I haven't always been this way, in fact, I used to be one of the people who kept her house in such a way, that the me that is now, would probably feel uncomfortable visiting.

Growing up, I had a mom, who when she was growing up, had no mom. My mom was forced to drop out of school in grade 5, and become the mom to her 5 brothers, and the keeper of the home. My mom had never in her life been tobogganing, until I was 7 years old, and my mom had never been swimming, or even worn a bathing suit until she was on her honeymoon. These are the types of things kids do, and since, my mom was never able to be a kid, she never did them.
So, when my mom had us girls, she decided, come hell or high water, she would never make us do what she had to do growing up. We got to be kids, everyday, all day, period.

This meant, no chores. Yes, you heard me, NO CHORES.

This backfired on my mom, when we grew up to be teenagers, who made various disgusting messes all over the house, who kept our bedrooms as pig sty's, and when asked to lift a finger to help, we refused. My mom would go so long in frustration, only to cave after hounding me over and over, and finally clean my bedroom. Yes, my mom cleaned my bedroom until the day I moved out.

As you can guess, moving out was a massive slap of reality smack dab in the face. My apartment was a BOMB, and I had NO idea how to clean it. I didn't have a dishwasher, and I would use literally every single dish in the entire kitchen (even soup ladles as spoons, and baking mixing bowls for cereal) was dirty. This meant, that when it was finally time to wash dishes, instead of it taking me 10 minutes, it took me 2 hours. I didn't know simple things like, you need to actually wash your kitchen sink because bacteria grows in there, or, you need to wash the grime off your tub otherwise your bathing in your own filth. I had never washed a floor, I had never cleaned a fridge or an oven, I had never organized a linen closet. In my first year on my own, I was on the phone with my mom and sis almost everyday, with the silliest of questions: "How do I wash my tub? How long do I let the oven cleaner sit? Can I use bleach on the inside of my fridge?"

It was a sad and painful journey, but eventually, I learned, I got it, and I loved it.

Through our years of marriage, I've learned that, the person who kept her apartment in complete chaos, mess and uncleanliness, just isn't me. The me I've come to know, likes clean, and likes it an awful lot. This last year of marriage, parenting, womanhood, Christianity, friendship and general life, has been hard, and verrrrrry slow moving. Many things in my life got completely put on hold, my housekeeping passion being just one of them. These last couple of months, for the first time in a year, I've felt like me again. I've been keeping my house in tiptop shape, just as I once loved. I've been having supper ready when if not before my husband gets home from work. I've been grocery shopping. I've been organizing. I've been me.

So, if you and this me that I speak of, have never actually met, please, allow me to introduce myself. Hi, I'm Nin, and I'm a clean freak. I like my house clean, and I like it an awful lot. I love finding little specks of dirt or grime on my white cupboards, specks that no one would ever notice except me, and I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when I wipe them away. I love washing my tub, and cleaning all the taps until they're all shiny and sparkly. I love the peace that I hope people feel when they walk into my living room, when there isn't crap laying all over the place and they don't know where to sit. I also love the beach and red wine. I'm pleased to meet you.

Even more than all that, I love that this is me. I love that I'm ok that this is me. I love that I'm free to break free from the mold that was set out for me. It's time to come out of the closet. That I'm anal, meticulous and very picky. That I don't like pet hair, dirt, mysterious sticky substances, and I hate the smell of moldy dishcloths. I also love the smell of Windex a little more than I should, but that's neither here nor there.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Super Mario and all his goodness.

Growing up, we had very little money. We didn't have fancy toys and brand new bikes. Most of our clothes were hand-me-downs from some stranger somewhere else in the city who'd bought the clothes new, wore them until they had holes, and sent them to the second-hand store. We were never those kids who would walk to the store with their friends to buy treats, or stop the dickee dee man when he heard him coming down our street with popsicles. It was the norm to not have money, it was what we were used to, and before you go feeling sorry for us, we actually had a pretty fun childhood, and were raised to be thankful, grateful people.

This one Christmas, my parents were feeling anxious, as I'm sure they did every year, about what on earth they could possibly afford to buy for us. They entered their name in a draw at the local video store to win a brand new Super Nintendo. And yes, you guessed it, they won! :)
That Christmas, was the most glorious Christmas in the whole wide world. We for the first time ever, had a super cool thing of our very own, that we didn't have to borrow from someone else, or send back because we couldn't afford it, it was ours, to keep.

My sister and I became obsessed with Super Mario World. We became obsessed with passing the entire game, finding all the secrets, getting the most lives, and generally, becoming Super Mario pro's, that no one could measure up to.

For me, along with this obsession for Mario, came an unhealthy outlook on life. I had become, an addict. Priorities were out of whack. Life stopped. Nothing mattered anymore, if it didn't involve passing a level, winning or playing. I started viewing Mario as a real person, who was my friend. I'd become angry with my friend if he chose to not jump quite high enough to reach the last coin, and fall down a hole and die. I'd also be elated, and thankful for his friendship when he decided to win the level, find that secret we'd been so desperately trying to find, or kill that last boss that took us 10 tries.

I would often get in trouble, for yelling at the tv screen or throwing the controller if Mario wasn't listening. My parents would ask me to go play outside, or for the love of God, do something, anything else. But on that spot on the carpet, I stayed. It was my home.

One night, when my dad was working the graveyard shift at Mac's, he said his goodbyes to me, as I sat on my claimed section of carpet, around 10 pm, only to find me in the exact same spot, the next morning at 8 am. He asked if I'd slept, I said no. In his tired state, he went off to bed, and I carried on, taking over the world one level at a time.

Then came the ever embarrassing day, that no one in my family has ever let me live down. Sitting in my claimed section of carpet, obsessed with one particular level that I'd tried to pass but failed, over a million times, I just knew, I was about to pass it, I could feel it. Around the same time of feeling uber confident in my skills, and knowing that my friendship with Mario was on good terms, was the same time that nature started calling me towards, the bathroom.

Now, I can't fully say what went through my mind. I was sick. I had a problem, a disease, I was an addict. I was almost done the level, I knew I could do it, I couldn't let anything stand in my way, I just couldn't. I couldn't let Mario down like that, after all he'd done, so, I went. My little claimed section of carpet, now became a big wet circle of shame. My parents obviously gave me all kinds of shit, and my sister obviously pointed and laughed until she was blue in the face, but it was worth it. I passed that level, and I felt better.

Years later, I still have an addictive personality. When I find a new favorite food, I eat it, until I overdose on it, and never want to see it again. When I buy a new favorite shirt, I wear it, like as if it's the only shirt I own. I wear it until there are stains and it gets discolored. I wear it until I can't stand to look at it, and hide in the back of my closet like a dirty secret. When I find a new song, I listen to it, until I know all the words like the back of my hand. I listen to it all day every day, until it's the most annoying song in the world, then I move it off my play list and pretend it never existed. And finally, when I got a Facebook account, my real world came to a crashing halt.
I've learned that getting angry at video game characters and peeing on the carpet is not socially acceptable. I've learned to keep a tight lid on my real thoughts when it comes to things I'm addicted to, in fear of being judged as a freak. I'm still an addict. I've learned to stick to more socially acceptable accictions such as smoking, shopping, eating, changing my hair, all as ways to get a fix for the addict inside me. I've gotten better at becoming a functioning member of society, where the world continues to spin, whether Mario is a part of it or not.

Now I bring myself to today's point.

My son.

My son has become a world renowned vidiot.

Vidiot: (vih-dee-it) video game + idiot. Noun. Origin: Nin

My son is obsessed with playing video games. He'd blow you away with his Donkey Kong skills, his Mario Kart ability, his hand-eye coordination with a mouse and a keyboard on a computer, his Playstation skills, his know-how for his sister's Nintendo DS, and recently, his passion for good old Super Nintendo.

Some days I wonder if I'm raising a monster. A carpet-peeing, control throwing addict. I wonder if I should just bite the bullet now, and cover my couch and carpet in plastic. I wonder if he'll grow up to be a weirdo, who's friends want to go bike riding and run through a sprinkler outside but can't seem to drag Daniel out of the house to play. I wonder these things, and wonder if maybe, just maybe, I should take away his video games, to at least give him a chance at a normal life.

But then, I remember how fun it was to become a Super Mario pro. I remember how amazing I felt when no one could beat me at Mario Kart. I remember that even though I was once that little girl who peed on the carpet, that I've grown up to be not such a bad person.

I also remember, that my son is a freak, who's obsessed with constantly moving, talking, yelling, singing, throwing, goofing off, bugging, touching, breaking, and generally being the busiest and craziest person I've ever met in my entire life.

And when I think about those things, I give him his Gameboy, I smile, and I thank God.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The end of a friendship.

I don't ask for allot. Really, I don't. Just do what you say, and say what you mean. Be honest. It's not that hard, really. I just can't see myself being your friend, if I can't trust you, or take you at your word.
With that said, I've decided to remove my friendship from someone. I just can't trust this person anymore. They've lied to me so many times, and broken so much trust. I feel so betrayed, and confused. I'm not sure what I did to this person to deserve an endless amount of lies.
I've stopped wishing this person well. I've stopped caring. They can go crawl in a hole for all I care, in fact, I really wish they would, then I wouldn't have to hear their rants anymore, just to find out that they're just more lies.
You're probably asking who this person is. And because it doesn't bother me to spew their lies all over the internet, I will tell you.
Mr. Weatherman.
Now, I've been boycotting the 14 day forecast for quite sometime. I understand that no man can predict anymore than 2 days in advance without simply guessing, and heck, even I could do that. I'll compromise my expectations even further, by laying down my need to know tomorrows weather. But Mr. Weatherman, is it too much to ask, that you predict TODAYS weather? I mean, really??
You say it's going to rain and it's scorching hot. I went to the zoo with my kids the other week and wore jeans and a tshirt, and nearly died of heat stroke, because there wasn't a cloud in the sky. You say it's going to be sunny and hot, so I invite a friend over to tan in my backyard, and we freeze and get soaked, because it ends up being cloudy and rainy.
Mr. Weatherman, do you just walk outside and look at the sky and write something down? If so, I could do this myself. When I wake up and see gray clouds in the sky, I too, could predict rain. But it's your job to know what's behind those clouds!! If I look up in the sky and see no clouds, I too, could predict sun. But didn't you go to school to know if there are clouds moving in?
Ultimately, I don't even care. I'm so cold and numb, that there's nothing that could be done to resolve this situation. I think it's just best for everyone, if I walk away. I have many clothes in my closet made for all kinds of weather. I will just arrange my life to assume that chances are, I will have to change, and chances are, there will be many days where I freeze, or melt.
As for you Mr. Weatherman, I don't think we can be friends anymore. I just don't see this working out. It doesn't seem like you're going to change.
Have a nice life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

update on my last post

Since writing my last post and sharing my deep rooted hatred for Stupidstore, my husband finally released me to shop at my dream store, the glorious, Safeway.
Now, I realize that when intense emotions are involved, the chances of things being exaggerated are pretty high. But I can honestly say, I was in, heaven.
We had no list, and the plan was to have no plan. To leisurely walk up and down every isle, to take our time, and soak it all in. Would you believe, that in taking our sweet time, and hitting up every single isle, took us all of 30 minutes? People, it's true.
Not only did it take so little time, because, there were 10 isles, instead of 100, but there was nothing to distract us from our goal of picking out groceries. There was no clothing store smack dab in the middle of the warehouse. There was no makeup section the size of a small mansion. It was just, isles of, yep, you guessed it, groceries.
Coming up to the checkout, the lady actually said hello, and no, she didn't stop there. She asked how we were, and told us to have a wonderful day. While she sat there, ringing in our groceries and being pleasant, a guy bagged our groceries. Hubby and I stood there, not knowing what to do with ourselves. We basked in the peace and rest, while our groceries found their way into their bags.
Then, as if we hadn't reached euphoria just yet, we were asked, once all our bagged groceries were in the cart, if we "needed a hand with them." We giggled like school girls and said no, but wondered what on earth that could possibly mean. I've been told that they will actually push your cart to your car, and then proceed to place your bags in your trunk.
This my friends, was solid evidence, that there is a heaven, and that heaven, is found in Safeway.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I hate sow bugs. They're gross and give me the creepy crawlies. I hate laundry. I can never seem to stay on top of it, and it never ever ends. I hate the wind. I can tolerate and even enjoy all kinds of weather, but wind? I don't understand winds purpose, other than messing up my hair.

I could go on and on with my list of things I hate. We all have things we hate. We can't love everything. The bible even says 'there is a time for hate'. Although, I doubt God was referring to bugs, weather and laundry.

Of all the things I hate, there's one thing that hits number one on the list. In fact, I don't just hate this thing, I loathe it.

And that thing my friends, is......................

To loathe something takes a great amount of energy and determination. Much thought and emotion. To loathe is not just to hate, but to hate greatly, and to feel intense disgust.
Yes, that about sums up how I feel about my long time enemy, Stupidstore.

It's not even that I hate grocery shopping. In fact, I quite enjoy it. Picking out new food, planning in my head all the yummy things I want to make for my family, letting my kids pick treats for the upcoming week, these things are fun to me. However, Stupidstore robs me of all that joy.
Stupidstore is huge, massive, and even when you're running in for just a few things, the massiveness of the building says, hahaha, no no no, you're time is MINE, and I say, you'll be here a while.
Stupidstore is dirt cheap, so on childtax day, welfare day, middle of the month welfare day, payday, and pretty much every other day, everyone wants a piece of Stupidstores cheap action, which means everyday, it's packed, packed, packed.
Stupidstore makes you bag your own groceries. As if cleaning out my fridge to make room for the new groceries, driving there, walking through 50 million isles to find what I need, dropping a ton of money, coming home to unload and put away all the groceries wasn't enough work, they think I need the added exercise of bagging my own groceries. Sure you may call me a priss. But if I wanted to bag my own groceries, I'd get a job at a grocery store.
Stupidstore sells me rotten meat, that stinks up my entire house when I go to cook said meat, and realize it's gone bad, not in my fridge, but in the store. Is it too much to ask that, the STORE keeps tabs on the meat they're selling? Or is it me who's expected to smell the meat before I buy it? This has happened to me so many times, that the sheer thought of buying their meat completely disgusts me.
I know I'm not the only one who loathes this awful place. I know this, because when I'm in that awful place, I'm surrounded by unhappy, annoyed, and generally irritated people. People who like me, do not want to be there.

Some people dream about what they want to be when they grow up. Some people dream of traveling, seeing the world, watching their kids grow up. Me? I dream of the day I get to shop at Safeway. Where the meat is good, where the store is the size of a store and not a warehouse, where the people have smiles on their faces because it's a nice place to work, and, an even nicer place to shop. Where the fruits and vegetables are beautiful colors other than brown, where the lettuce is lively. Where everything is where it should be, where you can run in and run out, where they actually bag your groceries, because ladies and gentlemen, it's what they're paid for. Where life is made a little easier, where the sun shines a little brighter, where heaven seems a little closer.
This is my dream. And some day, my dream will come true, and I will never have to walk into the hell that is Stupidstore ever again.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Outside my window ~
Is a hummingbird feeder, which has received zero hummingbirds thus far, and a big ass pine tree that houses it.

Around the house ~ Things are pretty much in order, except for the laundry, which is busting out of the seams of every room.

I am thankful for ~ Money, and the chance to do things without guilt that we weren't able to do before. And while, there's a piece of me that feels really shallow for saying I'm thankful for money, there's a bigger piece of me that doesn't care.

Pondering these words ~ When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He, His eye is on the sparrow, and I KNOW, He watches me.

I am remembering~ Saturday, in the wee hours of the night, when my husband caught some lame punks breaking into our car and ran out of the house like a bat out of hell chasing after them. Good times.

Looking forward to ~ Heading to Calgary with my offspring, seeing the look on my sons face when he sees the moving dinosaurs at the zoo, and riding all sorts of crazy rides with my daughter at Calaway.

I am noticing ~ That I'm getting really sick of the blond hair, which ticks me off because I went through hell and back to get it this way.

I am thinking ~ About the copious amounts of laundry I have to do today, that it's going to suck, and that it's much easier to sit here and write a stupid blog post then get off my butt to do it.

From the kitchen ~ Am finally getting back on track and in some sort of routine. Am trying to cook more often and have supper ready or at least planned when hubby gets home. But, there are still days where everyone asks what's for supper, and mom replies, nothing.

I am going ~ Through Facebook withdrawals, yes, still.

I am hoping ~ That SOME day, I will be able to be a normal person, who washes and dries and puts away laundry, on a consistent basis, and carries on with life.

One of my favorite things ~ Talking to Tina.

I am reading ~ Nothing. I'm not much of a reader, but for the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I should be reading something.

I just saw online ~ That it's supposed to go down to 12 tomorrow. TWELVE. So. Lame.

A picture thought to share ~ My son, the boy.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Things I am thankful for...

-things that can be deep fried.
-the once in a blue moon moment that my kids get along for a few glorious minutes.
-when my son tells me I have a nice bum.
-that our basement has NOT flooded.
-that we don't have a cat, or a dog, or some other various stinky pet.
-for nights we put our kids to bed early.
-that my daughter is a true shopper, knows my style, and helps me pick out things I would like, as well as joins me in making fun of things that are hideous.
-that one day, I will have a new dishwasher.
-my new bikini top.
-the sunny forecast for next weekend.
-the fact that I know well enough to not hold my breath on that forecast.
-that I still date my husband.
-gravol, tylenol, and advil.
-that I'm off facebook and all it's nonsense.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Things I learned from my mom:

-that it really doesn't matter how poor you are, you can always, ALWAYS afford coffee.
-that your home in the winter should be warm enough to wear shorts and a tank top, and that wearing slippers and a sweater to save on heating bills is ludicrous.
-that there is no such thing as "going too far" when it comes to pulling pranks and making fun of people.
-that watching the road while driving is optional, especially when you're looking at a book or spying on a daughter and her friends.
-that you're never too old to watch Bugs Bunny, and laugh.

Things I learned from my dad:

-that problems fade away with the sound of music.
-that the head is a very resilient thing, and can withstand a huge picture frame, the corner of an open cupboard and a loose fence board.
-that laughing at yourself is easy.
-that laughing at people who can't laugh at themselves, is even easier.
-that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, that you're kind of always in a state of waiting for the rubber to meet the road, that you should never throw the baby out with the bathwater, that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch, that the proof, is always in the pudding, and that it doesn't matter if your daughter has NO idea what your sayings mean, you should still say them.

Things I learned from my sister:

-it doesn't matter how much of an expert at avoiding you are , your laundry will NEVER go away on it's own.
-that sometimes, it's okay to avoid all responsibilities and spend all day in the sun.
-that keeping a poker face when someone is digging their finger nails into your skin and shaking with rage is hard, but possible.
-that people who talk in movie quotes are cooler than people who don't.
-that laugh attacks are best when followed up with puking, coughing, gagging, and someone getting physically hurt.

Things I learned from my husband:

-that people will think you're busy and productive if you just keep moving, even if moving means twitching, jumping or shaking your leg uncontrollably.
-that knowing a tiny bit about a subject does not make you an expert, and that saying "I don't know" is surprisingly easy.
-that it's possible to reach the top of a flight of stairs in one step.
-that it's also likely one will hurt themselves if one tries.
-that you can still sing a song that you don't know the words to, by simply making it up as you go.
-that you're never too old to have a Lego magazine subscription, and you can always say it's for your kids if people ask.

Things I learned from my daughter:

-that telling a good story means you include every single detail, such as what everyone was wearing, where everyone was standing, what was happening around the people involved in the story, what the weather was like at the time of the story, and if people lose interest in the story, it's best to just keep going.
-that eating two heaping spoon fulls of straight garlic will not kill you.
-that every possession is special and has a meaning and sentiment.
-that walking around and around and around the coffee table over and over while talking on the phone is fun, and good exercise.

Things I learned from my son:

-that cleaning your room is optional.
-that sitting still is optional.
-that being quiet is optional.
-that listening is optional.
-that having fun is more important than anything in the world.
-that it really doesn't matter what people think, it's okay to be you, even if you're a freak.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm not a morning person. Never ever have been.
When I first moved out, my sister would call me every morning. Some mornings she caught me up and functional, ready to talk. Other mornings, she woke me up, and would receive a series of grunts through the phone, to which she would respond with, 'ugh, just call me when you're awake.'
Many of our fights stemmed from those morning phone calls, because if she caught me when I was not quite awake, I was grumpy, irritable, irrational, annoyed, and generally looking to pick a fight.
I would wake up and need at least one full hour of no one talking to me or asking anything of me. I wasn't able to do anything functional, other than sip the coffee out of my cup, as well as walk to the coffee pot, to refill said cup.
Then, I got married. Turns out, a husband doesn't like it when his wife wants to bite his head off as soon as she opens her eyes. Hubby wakes up refreshed, viewing the morning just the same as any other part of the day. A time to talk, laugh, joke, plan and so on. So over the years, I worked on it, and worked on it, and worked on it.
Today, I am still not a morning person, not even close. However, I do not bite heads off, I am able to listen and actually retain information when someone talks to me, and I can walk around and accomplish things such as making breakfast for children. I'm able to greet my daughter with a "good morning" every morning, sure it may be groggy and not always genuine, but I do it. I can even muster up the strength to use words from the English language. It's not my first choice, as silence is best when it's first thing in the morning, but, I can, and I do. And sometimes, SOMEtimes, I smile.
Today, I add to my list of morning accomplishments, being able to write a nonsensical blog post.

Monday, June 21, 2010

My list of 20 random nonsense questions, because I miss Facebook, and need something to do, other than clean my house.

1. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
"bedhead is only sexy when your hair is clean, and not holding three days worth of oil"

2. do you miss anyone right now?
Yes, I miss my hubby. He's out of town right now, and he would normally be at work anyway, and he will still be home at normal time, but, because he's out of town, I miss him.

3. if you could move anywhere else, would you?
Some days, yes.

4. if you could choose, what would your last meal be?
A fillet mignon steak medium-rare, with a side of shrimp and scallops, a glass a merlot, oh, and TONS of broccoli.

5. what famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?
P!nk. I love her, always have.

6. what was the last book you read?
Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. It only skimmed the surface on the first read, and I have to read it again, and again, and again.

7. what was the last movie you watched?
Children of Men.

8. what was the last song you heard?
Some doo-op song by Accapella on Free. That song actually really irritates me. Not the message, but the doo-ops.

9. what is your dream vacation?
Anywhere with my husband. Except maybe in a tent. That's not in my dream.

10. what is the next trip you will take?
New Orleans baby! NEW ORLEANS!

11. did you ever go to camp?
I did, lots. One time my mom had to be called to come get me because I was homesick. Another time I counted over 100 mosquito bites, yes, 100, and another time my sisters boyfriend was supposed to keep my gravol in his pocket for the ride home, but it got all crushed, so he put it in my juice and made me drink it. Yes, I have fond memories of camp.

12. have you ever been in love?
Yes, many times, with the same person.

13. what do you want to know about the future?
Nothing. I'm easily scared, and have a tendency to bolt when things get tough. I think it's just best for everyone if I don't know.

14. where is your best friend?
In the form of a few different people. One I share a bed with, one lives down the street, one is fabulous and has seen me through my worst and my best and still calls me friend, and one I've never met.

15. how is your best friend?
They are all nothing short of amazing.

16. who is the biggest gossiper you know?
Probably me.

17. what does your last text message say?
'What are you guys doing tonight? Come to Divas.'

18. what are 3 things you've always wanted to do, that you still plan to accomplish?
Find my true worth and solid identity, be a runner and stay a runner, to love without boundaries.

19. what is one thing you learned from your parents?
That what's theirs is mine, even though what's mine isn't necessarily theirs, that spaghetti is apparently the easiest and most convenient thing to make, that laughter is the best medicine especially when laughing at your own expense, that red lights are optional as well as paying your parking tickets, that it really doesn't matter what you've done, you will ALWAYS be loved, ALWAYS.

20. what is one thing you hope to teach to your own children?
Honesty and transparency. That the raw and unedited version of 'them', is ALL they need to walk in. That when things are kept hidden, they rot and mold inside. And that when things are in the open, there are NO borders keeping them from becoming the people they want to be.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I don't have a green thumb. My thumb isn't even remotely green. I've learned over the years that live plants do not add life and color to my house. Instead, they show my true colors to my friends and family, that I am not responsible enough to care, tend to, and water my plants.

This year however, I've decided to throw out the rule book I've authored for myself, and claim that I am not defined by what I am not. Along with many other crazy deeds, some regretted and some not, I decided to take a deep breath, and plant some perennials. It's still undetermined whether these poor plants will live or die, as I've already killed one shrub, but, so far so good.
I was outside this morning, enjoying my shot of "fresh" air, and noticed that one of my perennials (of which I have NO idea what it's called, because I have NO idea what I planted) was completely wilted. I thought it was dead, and beyond repair. I quickly grabbed the hose and watered the crap out of mr. nameless wilting perennial. To my amazement, just a few hours later, it looked as good as new, lifeless and gorgeous.

I'm thinking, this might be how it is with God. When we're wilting, because of all the heat and dry weather life might be throwing at us, or even because of our own refusal for water, it only takes ONE dose of water from Gods well to bring us back. So many times, I look at myself when I'm wilting, unable to see my beauty. How can a flower that's wilting still be beautiful? But Gods eyes are so much bigger than mine, and He sees my FULL potential when He looks at me.

I could very well kill all my perennials. I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that it might only take one irresponsible day of being too lazy to water them, to find they've all died a slow and painful death. So be it. If I could grab hold of this simple message, it'd be worth it. (just don't tell my husband I said that, because I spent way too much money on these stupid plants.)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

update on me:

-I am hardcore going through Facebook withdrawals! Some days are better than others, but I'm ashamed to admit that most days, I miss it like crazy.

-Seems that the mountains of life these days are over, and although hard times still come, they come in the form of hills. Running with even the smallest bit of incline makes for a very hard workout, but am pressing through, knowing there's no time limit, and I can take as many breaks as I need.

update on everything else:

-son is officially potty trained! PHEW.
-hubby and I are celebrating our 6th anniversary tomorrow. Double phew :P
-one more week and then schoooooooools OUT, FOR, SUMMAH!
-hubby continues to enjoy his new truck, getting it stuck any chance he gets.
-found cat poo in my freshly planted perennials this morning.
-bought a treadmill, and am thoroughly enjoying running, but even more so, enjoying not feeling like I have to.
-have nothing more to say, and am still finding it super hard to blog. Updating facebook status's with silly song lyrics and various complaints was way easier.

Monday, May 31, 2010

In 6 days I will be celebrating my 6th anniversary with the love of my life. Every year around this time, I write an anniversary post, filled with all that we've learned over the years, and thoughts of how encouraged and blessed I am that things used to be so hard, and now, are so easy. That would be my normal and traditional anniversary post....
But guess what? I've discovered a gem in the last year. I'm NOT normal. And neither is my husband. We're freaks, we're ridiculous, and yes, our marriage is hard. But we're still completely and utterly in love with each other, in fact, more than ever.
Instead of my long "we are perfect for each other" list, here's a glimpse of what life really looks like:

-We eat copious amounts of food at night. Probably the equivalent of 3 meals in one. A night where we don't go to bed mumbling the words "my tummy hurts me", where then the other replies "dude....I know." is considered an "off-night".

-I love to pick the skin off around my nails, and by pick the skin off, I mean, pick until I see blood. After a bad day, Chris came and sat down beside me while I sat in silence, picking away. He offered me his hand, to which, I gladly accepted. He then spent the next week complaining about the massively deep hangnail I gave him. He has since not offered me his hand on a bad day.

-I've developed a foreign morning language, and my husband has developed the gift of interpretation. It's called 'grunting'. Two grunts for "coffee" and four grunts for "what time is it". We plan on continuing to expand the language, to the point where we won't have to speak english ever again.

-My husband twitches in his sleep, and by twitches, I mean convulses, seizures and completely shakes the bed. For the most part I've learned to live with it, although, there have been nights where I've woken him with savage "love-taps", followed with, DUUUUDE!!! WOULD YOU JUST SLEEP STILL!!!!!

-Some couples have nice cutesy nicknames for each other, like sweetums or shmootsie. My husband and I on the other hand, refer to each other as 'DUDE'. We just find it easier, being only one syllable and all.

-I'm very easily scared. At least three times a week my husband will scare the crap out of me by doing one of the following: simply walking into a room, falling down (or up) the stairs when he's trying to be elastic man, or, my personal favorite, a sneeze, which are so loud you could hear it from across the street. I've learned to be loving in knowing that it's not his fault, by only getting mad at him occasionally.

-One day about a year ago, while putting away the dishes, I found a small little plastic toy gorilla sitting on the top shelf of the cupboard, having no idea where it came from or how it got there. Since then, Chris and I take turns placing said gorilla all over our house, to which the other finds him in their shoe, pocket, a plant, or my personal favorite, at the bottom of my coffee cup (note: being easily scared, when I first saw something black and floating in the bottom of my coffee, I thought it was a bug and screamed. Of course, I called Chris to A: give him poop for scaring me, and B: give him kudos on the awesome hiding spot that I have yet to beat.)

-Sometimes each of us like to take turns enjoying the sound of our own voices, and sometimes, all that really matters is having the other one there hearing, but not necessarily listening. More than half the time, we tell each other things, and watch the hearer nod and say yes, only to bring it up a week later, and hear that same hearer say a brain-dead expressionless "HUH?"
(P.S. My hubby went out today, and before leaving asked me to turn the sprinklers off in a few minutes. When he arrived back home an hour later, he found me writing this blog post, and made note that the sprinklers were still on.)

-We recently went through a phase of watching every single episode of Seinfeld, from start to finish (180 episodes). We've now replaced that obsession with watching every single episode of The Office. Many times we watch it in bed, planning on only watching one or two episodes, which leads to 4 or 5, which leads to 2am, on a work day.

In conclusion to my ridiculous list of idiosyncrasies, we don't have all the answers. Half the time, we're scrambling to find just one answer. In this whirlwind called life, you never know when a storm is gonna hit, or a bomb is gonna drop. But we've made it our one goal, to ride whatever wave comes, and ride it hard. Because life is too short to be anything but extreme, and nothing short of ridiculous.

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life <3 ........

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

If I was a season, I’d be Winter. Bitterly cold, but nothing compares to a winters day of staying indoors with cozy slippers and a cup of hot chocolate.

If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a ridiculous abstract painting. Some people would look at me and think, psh, my daughter could paint that, but the true artists would find me amazing and fun.

If I was a country, I'd be Canada. Peaceful, inviting, self-sufficient, doesn't get in over her head, and doesn't pretend to have all the answers.

If I was a food, I'd be hot banana peppers. Fun only in brief spurts for some, but a keeper to the hardcores.

If I was a day, I'd be Friday. Because the trials of the week are almost over, and there's still lots to look forward to.

If I was a color, I'd be black. Because it has all the colors in one, yet doesn't need to flash that around.

If I was a letter, I’d be a letter of encouragement with no return address, just to let you know that I love the crap out of you, but don't necessarily want to hang out.

If I was a book, I'd be a complicated yet simple read, open to many different interpretations.

If I was a political leader, you would not want to vote for me, and I would not be offended.

If I was a drink, I'd be red wine. Bold, dry, classy, and makes you want to eat cheese.

If I was a man, I would be my husband, just so I could know what he really thinks and how he really feels.

If I could know the future, I would plug my ears and close my eyes, because I wouldn't want to know. Something tells me that if I could see it, I would probably run away, Thelma and Louise style.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A smallish update:

-had an AMAZING first trip with my husband! We experienced many firsts together, and enjoyed each other very very much. I'm so thankful that God kept this trip hidden and protected, until His timing was perfect for us experience this trip together in such a way that made Him smile.
-feels like a fire has been reignited inside me, to seek after things that are real and raw, and to see their beauty, including the beauty within myself.
-missed my kids like CRAZY, and am so glad to be back home and in the role of mommy.
-miss my hubby while he's back at work, since the only time spent apart the whole trip was when one of us was on the potty.

-the love of my life....
-back to work, while the sun is shinning and beckoning our skin to soak up its rays.... am trying not to distract him TOO much, by telling him of all the fun in the sun we're having, and how much I wish he was home, with me, in the sun, with a beer, in the hammock, but..... I'm failing miserably, by calling him and messaging him often, telling him all of the above.
-is an amazing MAN....that I am honored to call the man I married for my entire lifetime.

Precious girl:
-cried when we left, cried when we got back. We both ran into each others arms in tears, embracing each other when we were reunited after a long 9 days apart. The only thing missing was sappy background music that would bring tears to the eyes of those watching.
-won't stop telling me how much she missed me, and how she doesn't want to leave ever again, and I can't bring myself to tell her that I can't wait to go on my next trip.
-had a fabulous time with the nanny, eating foods she loves, and being the big helper.
-is home for the long weekend, and am VERY excited to spend it with her.
-is sporting her new Roxy shirt and Sketcher flip flops that we brought back for her with style and attitude, and will definitely be following in her mothers footsteps with a shopping addiction and love of brand name, and, this makes me secretly happy and blush at the same time.

The monkey:
-ran straight to daddy, yelled daddy over and over, and only wanted daddy, and still, only talks about daddy. He loves his daddy.
-spent the day in the sun with me, running through the sprinkler, tanning on the loungers, and eating freezies.
-loves all his new toys, especially his Superman cape.
-has been the cutest thing on the face on the planet and all I want to do is hug him and kiss him and call him George, and am realizing that spending a tiny bit of time away from the monkey, is actually a good thing.
-LOVED the nanny, did SO well, which obviously makes me happy, as I'm already planning our next trip in my head.

The nanny:
-was awesome with the kids, and left a lasting impression on both of them, as well as my family who has been ranting and raving about how awesome she was the whole week.
-cleaned my entire house top to bottom in time for our arrival, complete with a wedding invitation left on our dresser. She's getting married this August, and am crossing my fingers and praying to God that she doesn't get pregnant on her honeymoon, so she can continue to be our nanny for a long time.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

To my faithful readers, to my long lost blogger friends, I am still here. I can't count how many times I've sat down to write a post, only to get half way through and delete it. Lots of times I sit down with TONS to say, only to realize, either A: There are things that need to stay guarded, and I have a really hard time being vague, or B: I have no idea what I'm talking about anyway. I hope to push through this writers block, it's definately going to take some discipline, since I've been so absent for so long in this little area of my life.

My ant hill. It's a cozy little nook. Not much room to move around. When I feel like getting away from the chaos of life, well, there's really nowhere to go. It isn't exactly what I had in mind, when I used to dream of my future, but for now, I call it home. Downsizing from a spacious, multi-level home to this ant hill, has come with it's challenges. Some days I feel like packing my bags and hitting the road. But home is home.
Over the last year or so, God has been renovating in my heart. A massive de-junking. Sometimes after cleaning my fridge, I look inside and think, whoa, we have absolutely NO food. What once seemed full to the brim, is now completely bare, with only a few condiments and a jug of milk. It's then that I realize my full fridge, was actually full of old rotten expired, shit.
Looking at my heart, and seeing the dejunking process still continuing, I'm starting to wonder if ANYTHING will be left at the end of the day. If my entire foundation is being ripped up, what IS left?
For now?
Jesus loves me, and Jesus fights for me.
That's it.
That's all.
How long will I carry on with this one little nugget?
Until I get it.
So, with this one, single brick in my foundation, I build my home. It's small, and dirty. But I would rather live in a small little ant hill on a brick that will NEVER break, then a huge house built on a bunch of shit.
And THAT, is all I need to know, until my heavenly Father gives me the next brick.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How Jesus sees more...

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm .......
d said.......
See more
... See more... See more... See more
You're not pretty,
you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever.
I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away,
I'd die.

Lord, help me see more.....

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Mother…..

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all those peas are gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand”

And my favorite…..

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I will fake it until I make it....

I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am forgiven.
I have been rescued.
I will be healed.
I will be MORE than ok.
I will dream again.
I will dream BIG.
I can do this.
I have what it takes....

While I may not believe these things, a stilled small voice in me says these things are not only true, but the ONLY truth in the midst of this chaos. I may have lost hope, but I can still choose to hope for hope itself.

Hope CAN come for me.
Hope WILL come for me.
Hope IS coming for me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

everything is
and everything I've LOVED before is
Like the coming of the frost
and a cold winters chill in my stony heart
when all that I've hoped for...
when all that I've dreamed
came crashing down in shambles around me....
you were on the cross
could you take away the pain
if I find someone to blame
would it make my life seem easier
oh Lord...
all my friends are asleep
and I can't find anyone to stay awake with me
when sin stole my innocence....
when I was .......ashamed
hiding in a life I wish I never made
you were on the cross
my god
all along.........................................
all along......................
you were on the cross
you died for us
all along
all along
you were on the cross
all along
all along
in all of my suffering
in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear.....