Monday, August 15, 2005

What was Abraham thinking when he was walking up that mountain to sacrifice his one and only son?.............

I can see the mountain in front of me, it looks hard, high and steep, cold...... I look down at my feet, and see they're not moving. It's like my logical brain has kicked in, and refuses to let my feet move any closer to what it interprets as danger. I look around, and find that I'm alone. No one is looking over my shoulder to make sure that I'm doing what God's asking me to. No one is even aware that I'm holding a knife in my hand....... Life is moving on, but I'm standing still. It's like a dream.......a bad dream.

I guess the question I should be asking myself is not, can I walk up this mountain? but, can I stay down here, where I am?
There's a bitterness that doesn't seem to go away, an anger that only grows with time, an unforgiveness that's eating at me, and soon will consume me. Can I afford to not walk up the mountain?

For the last 4 and a half years, I've been fighting a battle. At times I've given up, and even joined the dark side, and others, I've gone out swinging with my head held high. Consistency has been unknown, it's either up, or down, or both.
My heart's desire is to walk in victory, in faith, in peace. But I'm finding I give into fear, and walk a road of slavery instead of freedom. What does it even look like to trust the Lord so much, that you could raise a knife to your own child? I've met many mothers, who seem to just go through their days, "putting up" with the responsibilities of being a mom, but that's not me. I understand now what it means to be a real mom, a 'mommy'. To lay your life down for your child, to put their needs above your own, to be selfless and loving, even when you don't feel it.
Sometimes I wish I was dumb. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be like those mothers, who 'put up' with it all, but see no real value in what they're doing. Because then I wouldn't know what I'm losing, when I send her into the darkness. I'd think this was normal, even good! At least I get breaks! But, I'm not dumb........

It's when she's out of my care that I worry, and give into fear. But God says,
"What if I took her out of your care completely? Would you still trust me?"


Absolutely not.......But I want to.


  1. I TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR SAYING! I cried reading have the heart that God gave you. Now you have to give it away...doesn't make sense. He gives you all this love and desire to protect and then asks you to give it away.
    I'm right there too. God will bring us to that place ... I know he will...Let's keep walking up that mountain together, even if no one knows what we're doing. God needs us to release them. I want to too... (hugs)

  2. btw you need to add our new hopers to your list....

  3. Wow. Thanks for that. I guess we all have our 'Isaacs," don't we - things we can't (or won't, or don't want to) give up. But God wants it all - nothing held back. Ouch - really stretches the faith. Thanks for giving us a little of your heart, and showing us ours.

  4. I realise that you are expressing something incredibly personal and painful, but from my vantage point you are doing just fine.

    As I read this and I was thinking, "What is she talking about? Inconsistancy? Get real!!"

    Understand I am trivialising anything. I am simply trying to communicate what I have observed.

    In my opinion you are doing far, far, far better than you think.

  5. That should read NOT trivialising anything.

  6. okay girlie, time for some fresh meat!