Wednesday, December 27, 2006

shhhh.......I'm trying to read

Are you seriously sending me out like this?

Dear God, thank-you for my swing, bless it's batteries and make them strong, amen...

Famous smile of a famous person

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My hubby and I at his Christmas party

My sister-in-law came and crashed the party.

My son doing a little advertising for my cousin...

See the cutest one on the very left? Yep, that's mine...

Baby's first mocossins from Kukum

My new best friend.....yummmmmm

Love love love....


Thursday, December 14, 2006


Have been feeling good since my tidal wave on Sunday.
My daughter's first school Christmas concert is tonight, she sang me the song they're singing, I am soooo excited!
Then she has another Christmas concert at our church tomorrow evening, and we're still working on her lines. It's hard when things like this come up because with her being at her dad's every other weekend, she ends up missing most of the practices. The dress rehersal is tonight, but she'll miss that being at her school pageant. Can we say sheesh?
Saturday is my baby girls birthday, she'll be 6! I can't believe how big she is. It was only a couple of moths ago that I realized how big her hands and feet are. They're not "teeny" anymore, they're.....big. I've thought this for a long time about my younger nephew's hands. Now I look at her hands and think, aw.....your hands are like Noah's. Sniff sniff. I hope the other moms out there know what I'm talking about, and that I don't sound like a complete weirdo.
There is something seriously wrong with my right wrist. At first I thought it was tendinitis, but now I'm not so sure. It's getting worse everyday, and since I'm right-handed, I use it for everything all the time. I need to book an appointment soon.
Anyways, just felt like writting something light and fluffy for a change. I also wanted to let all of you know that I have been unable to leave anyone any comments. I have tried and tried, and blogger is just being a bum so yeah. So when you go into your comment to see what everyone had to say about your post, just pretend that I'm in there saying something cool.

Monday, December 11, 2006

This rollercoaster ride is way more intense than I ever thought it would be. It seems that as soon as I think I'm making progress, a get hit with a huge tidal wave that sends be farther behind than I was in the first place. It's like waking up to a dark and heavy cloud hanging above me, with no forecast of sunshine.

Durring the day for the most part I'm able to distract myself from my thoughts and busy myself with the duties of the day. However, at night, there's nothing left to distract me, just a sleeping husband on one side, a sleeping baby on the other, and a sea full of fears, regrets, anger and confusion. I've come to know every intricate detail on my bedroom ceiling in the last few weeks.

However, through the heavy storm clouds, some days I find cracks, where rays of sunshine can peek through. It's those days that remind me that God is not finished with me yet, and that even though it's not over, I will get through, and He will carry me there.

It's so confusing, I'm not sure how all this works, I'm not sure what to think or feel, I'm not sure what sets me half the time. It usually takes me a moment or two, but whenever I blow up over something, I realize that whatever may set me off means nothing, and it's really not what I'm angry about anyway. It's been litterally mind-blowing to see how much anger I can pull out of me, only to find more, and then some.

In my head I know things, but my heart hasn't caught up with what's in my head. I know what God says, I know what He promises and I know who He is. But to be honest, I'm not really seeing God working. I'm finding I have to look back at all the amazing things that I have witnessed God do in the past, as if to remind myself, "I saw that really cool thing come out of that really gross thing, I bet if I stick around, I'll see it again..." I know I will, like I said, in my head I know things.

But God continues to gently remind me that I'm ok, even when it feels like I'm drowning. When we first moved into our house, it was spoken over us that our home would be a place of of peace, that people would come in and sense the peace of God here. My hubby and I took this to heart, and decided to buy those big letters you hang on the wall to spell the word "PEACE" in our living room. After calling litterally every store in the city that sells these letters, I finally found a store that carried them in white, and would'nt you know, they didn't have all the letters we needed to spell our word. They ordered them for us and said it would take a number of weeks. After waiting for what felt like forever, I finally got a phone call a couple of days ago saying they were in. My hubby just hung them up this afternoon.

I find it amazing how God waited until today to place these letters on my wall, which are huge and impossible to ignore by the way. So as I look at this word, I'm reminded right at the time when I need it more than ever, that God still offers me His peace. That He knows where I'm at, even though I don't know which way is up and which way is down. That He is in control of the when, and He stands behind the why. If I'm tired of trying to figure out how to feel and what to think, tired of trying to shake off the enemy's lies and condemnation, tired of putting on a fake smile, and tired of the tears that come when the smile fades....I can rest in knowing that God offers PEACE, even if it's just peace with being with where I'm at, knowing I won't be here forever under this cloud.

Friday, December 01, 2006

I feel like a schizophrenic with split personalities. Half of me is in a beauitiful place, with family and an amazing new baby. The other half is in a world of chaos, emotions and anger. As if the shock of the loss was not enough, I have now had to endure much unexpected change in some of my relationships. Friends that I once considered to be my closest companions, have drifted away without a trace, and those whom I never expected have been extending their hand, letting me know that I am loved and not forgotten. I appreciate their gestures... thank-you.

Being with my family day in and day out has been greatly needed, although it's come with it's share of choas as well. At times it has felt like the blind leading the blind, or the deaf arguing and yelling. But even so, I need them.

I'm quite malnourished spiritually, but I don't feel hungry. Shortly after my daughter was born, I struggled with anorexia. To those that don't understand the disorder, it makes them wonder how someone could go hungry everyday, desperately wanting food, but ignoring their hunger pains. This isn't how it goes. It's amazing how your body will get used to what you give it, or don't give it. If you withhold food, it will adjust, and eventually stop feeling hungry, and stop desiring food. I'm quite spiritually malnourished, but I don't feel hungry....