Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A song that blesesd me today.

"Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

tidbits at random in no particular order....

I heart dancing, especially at gay clubs, where I don't get hit on.

I hate it when people wait to merge, when they have their own lane to pull into. Hello, read the sign.

I don't do telephone surveys, ever. Ever.

I hang up on telemarketers before they have a chance to speak.

I'm addicted to 90210 and all it's drama, and I often watch it with my mouth open.

I like chips. No. I LOVE chips. But not weird kinds.

I had a dream the other night that I was washing my kitchen floor, with bleach, and a scrubbie. Yes, even in dream land, I'm cleaning.

I heart P!nk, and all her feministic goodness.

I secretly judge people's parallel parking.

I will start to crave chocolate milk if I haven't had it in a long time. A long time being a few days.

I am getting antsy to set up my amazingly perfect Christmas idol so that I can sit on my couch and worship it's amazing perfection.

I was once told my Christmas tree looks like a Sears display tree, which was intended as a insult, but it was one of the best compliments I'd ever received.

I've grown to be picky of where I'll go out to eat, and feel like a bit of a snob.

Sometimes I doodle my name just like the symbol for the band nine inch nails complete with the square around the NIN and the backwards N, even though I don't like nine inch nails.

I've recently come to love writing angry songs, even when I'm not feeling angry, and I'm loving the freedom of not being in the writing box I put myself in anymore.

I'm sick of my hair to no end, again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Walking, running, sitting, standing, and fighting through this road life has led me to in this last year has been nothing short of hard, confusing, and all kinds of ridiculous. I've made many mistakes along the way, and have experienced many victories as well.
I heard it said just a few days ago, spoken to me by someone who's walked very closely with me through the trials, that there really isn't a right or wrong way to walk this road. My black and white brain finds that difficult to grasp, as there must be a right way, and wrong way, right?
But the more I pick apart what the heart of this message is, the more I realize the truth in it. I'm a human, and I will make mistakes, but as long as I'm headed, or at least, pointed in the right direction, then I'm ok. I am OKAY.
When my head is swimming in lies and accusations, and when the outside world knowingly or unknowingly attacks me to my very core, I get confused. Am I really ok? If the answer to this question is, am I pointed and walking in the right direction, then I can say in confidence, that yes, I am just fine.
Walking with my counselor, she reminds me that there is no one on this earth like me. That can be hard for me to wrap my head around, because there are tons of people like me. Tons of people like to dye their hair until the cows come home, tons of people love tattoos, piercings, fashion. Many people out there have a song writing ability, have two kids, have a husband. And heck let's me honest, do you know how many people drive a Sunfire? :P
It's such a freeing thought, and a big sigh of relief, that these things aren't what make me ME. These things actually have nothing to do with who I am inside. When I feel attacked in who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother, a human being wrestling with life, love and other mysteries, there is a truth I can fall back on that makes it all just fine. Who I am in Christ, can not be shaken.
I understand now, why I fell apart. I understand now why I shattered. I understand that me breaking apart into a million little pieces, actually had nothing to do with what has happened on the outside. I understand that my house was not built on the rock.
While I may not fully be there yet, I know without a doubt, that I am pointed in the direction of building my house on the rock. I choose to believe (although, I may not always feel that choice), that if the world fell apart around me right now, that I would be ok. I choose to believe that if everything I've come to believe about the world around me turned it's back on me, that I would be ok. I've realized that my expectations have been in the wrong place. People will hurt me, people will harm me. Do I have rights? Yes. I have the right to respond in love, and I have the right to walk away in that love. My expectations for love and respect are too high, and will not be met.
But, expecting that God will come through, that God will restore and set free, that God will heal and finish what He's started, these are expectations I can have.
In anticipation, I wait...