Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What is the time-waster de jour?
It's the time-waster of the day.
mmmmm...... I'll have that......

I HATE labels, I hate that people have labeled me, I hate even more that I've labeled others.

I LOVE summer, and everything about it, sun, brown skin, pools, green, flowers, activity.

I HATE doing laundry, and always have. I can never seem to stay on top of it.

I LOVE shopping, for anything. I think what I really love, is spending money.

I HATE that I'm always late, and that I expect people to tack on an extra 20 minutes to the time I tell them I'll be there.

I LOVE my son's vocabulary, I love that he says 99% of his words 'incorrectly', and I refuse to let anyone correct him, because soon enough this phase will be gone.

I HATE how much I LOVE Facebook.

I LOVE red wine, and would drink it like water if I thought others would approve.

I HATE expectations, I hate that I have too many on myself, I hate that I have too many on others.

I LOVE writting out my thoughts, and pouring my heart into words.

I HATE that song "I know you want me" by Pitbull. I hate even more that it has such a good beat that I forget which song it is and crank up the volume, only to be reminded that I hate it.

I LOVE having a clean house, and take pride in knowing how far I've come in regards to being a home-maker.

I HATE my skin condition, I hate even more that it doesn't even have a name.

I LOVE being smoke-free! I love knowing that I'm not controlled by a substance.

I HATE that I too quickly forget that I am controlled by many things, just like every other imperfect being, just not smoking.

I LOVE that I'm not perfect.

I HATE that I'm not perfect.

I LOVE having a second vehicle, and can't believe I survived so long without one.

I HATE it when I can't find answers, when I don't have a formula, when things don't fit in the box, and when I don't have a step by step plan.

I LOVE my close friends, I love that they know me and still want to be around me. I love that even in times where it feels like I have no substance, they will still hang out with me in the meaningless fluff.

I HATE that I waste time on the computer doing nothing, like this stupid list.

Monday, April 27, 2009

It just doesn't get any better than this.

People think I've got it all together,
with the show of my sweet sweet smile,
but do they know if I've been happy ever?
Pull up a chair cuz this may take a while.....
"The real me"
-Jaci Velasquez

What is it for?
What does it matter?
Does it matter?
What do I do now?
Just a few of the plethora of questions swimming in my heart. How did I get here? To this place of questioning my very foundation? Am I too afraid to say this outloud?.......Why am I?
I'm realizing more and more how incredibly twisted my insides are, how I built my house on things that are very shaky and unstable, and now, as I watch my house crumble once again, I ask myself what's the point, I have clearly failed the house building course.
So what now? When all passion has been stripped away, what do you do? Do you carry on doing all the things you did that made you think you were doing "good"? Or do you stop doing it all hoping that you'll realize that's not what it's all about anyway.
I feel like I'm questioning what's in the very core of my being, and I'd hoped I'd find more answers than I'm finding. My faith is being tested more than ever before, and honestly, I feel like I'm failing the test.
But is it really about tests? Is it really about winning or losing or passing or failing? Or is there a world completely free from all of that?
While I'm still in my running gear (barely), I stand still on this track, watching other running pass me by, waving, some smile. I wonder if I will ever finish this race, or at least, get back up. The hope that I will get back up, and continue fighting the good fight keeps me here, although standing still, I will not walk away.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

He's baaaaaaaaaack.

For those of you who have been following my blog for a couple of years, you may recall our traumatic experience with a psycho robin who flew into our window at ungodly hours in the morning over and over and over and over.

This morning a robin paid us a visit.

Little does it know that we have been wounded, and wounded people do not think before doing, they react. If it does this again, I swear I'll kill it (dead, murdered, stabbed......)

Thursday, April 09, 2009

quick family update, to make myself feel like I actually do still blog.


-Is so worthy of being first of the family update list.
-Is helpful and needed in so many ways.
-Treats me to so many things I don't deserve.
-Has a new assistant at work, which is soooooo good. I've already noticed him having more time.


-New fave words: MINE, NO......that is all.
-Likes to yell at people who don't answer him.
-Repeats himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.......
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
A ball!
A ball? Wow!
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
A ball!!!
Yeah a ball!
A ball!!!
Yeah, I know!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
What Daniel?
A ball!!!!!

Moving on.


-Beautiful, gorgeous, boys like her, eeek!
-New fave website is (and has forgotten about her 9 webkinz)
-Has next week off school! Whoot! Whoot!


-Getting gel nails tomorrow!
-Got my lip pierced and I love it. It feels so nice to have piercings again, it's like my love for my former piercings never went away. But I'm glad that I came to a place where I was happy to be just me without them, before going out and getting another one.
-Feels like I keep failing the same test over and over.
-Have lost the will and passion to be healthy, but am still truckin, slowly but surely.

Monday, April 06, 2009

A lesson through a little girl....

On our way home from picking up the kids from school, Daniel hit Jonah in the face with his toy fish, hard. Jonah cried, and Daniel got in trouble. We then dropped Noah and Isaiah off at their house, all the while, Jonah is fine, but still complaining about how much that hurt, and how upset she was at her brother. We stopped to pick up the mail, and Jonah is still complaining about the incident. I reminded her that Daniel said sorry, and that she should probably let it go and forgive him. She said, "but it still hurts......"
Right then, at that moment, I realized what forgiveness looks like, doing it even though it still hurts, and even though it will still hurt, and I heard God say,