Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Be alert and self-controlled

Me and my hubby have decided that we are going to start getting up earlier. While this is no big deal for my hubby, as he's a morning person, I have not yet followed through with the commitment. He keeps getting me up and I keep falling back asleep. Most of the time it's not even that I'm mentally making the decision to fall back sleep, I just do. I'm not alert enough to think straight. I love my sleep. I love it enough to let my guard down, and allow my desire for sleep to take over, take over my commitment to myself, and my husband. God wants us to be always alert and self-controlled. So that the desires of our flesh can not grab ahold of us, and rip us away from what we're called to do as christians. I lost sight of this the other day. I woke up wanting to be productive and happy. I wanted to give that day to God, and wanted to glorify Him in all I did. Well, He tested me that day, and I failed. Each and every single test, I failed. I gave into my flesh my frustrations and my anger. At one point I threw something across the room and said a, hmmm, "unproductive" word. Now, I have not behaved this way in a long time. While I have a history of anger and fits, God has been slowly breaking that away, as I've been learning to walk in self-control. This was not me, at least, not the real me that I've finally been discovering. No, this was an old unhealthy pattern that I was so quick to step into, with no guard up, no armor and no self-control. I was not alert. Later that day, after I had realized my sinful ways, I caught my little girl, getting frustrated because she couldn't get her barbie's dress on. My heart sank. I apologized to my daughter for being so wrong, and prayed that she would not walk in a lack of self-control. Well God, you got my attention! sorry it took so long I've been fiddling around..... But hey, it's pretty cool that today is a new day, and that His mercies are new every morning. A late morning might I add......but a great morning none the less.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

spare change?

I love change!

Ask my hair, I change it at least once every two months, and that's on a good run. I've been blonde, brown, black, purple, blue, auburn, green! and my personal favorite, fire engine red. I've had it long, medium as well as short and spikey. I've had curly perms, I have natural wave, and I can dry it poker straight. I love to change my hair! When something new and good comes into my life, I celebrate by changing my hair. When things aren't going good in my life, I give myself a pick-me-up by changing my hair. When I get rid of something bad in my life, I release it by changing my hair. (by the way, just between us, I'm getting a little sick of the blonde already!)

Change rocks! It's new, it's fresh, it's original. However, as much as I love change, these things about me, not others, not God. It seems that whenever God asks me to change something He wants changed, I'm not so quick to get to it. When things in my character that need tweeking are pointed out by my brothers and sisters, I'd much rather stay where I am, then walk in the change that's needed. I find excuses very easily, as to why I don't need to change, THEY do! (isn't that the truth) Every single time I've ever gone to God with the attitude of wanting another person to change, He always comes back with these two responses. Focus on what I need to change in my life, and focus of the UNchanging characteristics of God.

The truth is, if I never changed, I would be an unproductive member of the church of Jesus Christ. If I never changed I would be of no threat to the kingdom of darkness. If I never changed, I would never learn anything new, and therefore would never grow. So may my passion for changing my hair be the same passion I have for changing to be more like Christ! If it were, man, I'd be flyin! Hey, with these new thoughts, maybe I should seal it by changing my hair......
I've been tagged by Carebear!

Man, this is going to be tough but I'll give it a whirl.....

Total books I've ever owned: hmm, we're not big readers over here. My reading material consists of shopping catalogues, Calvin and Hobbes, "Coffee perks", and yes, your blogs. We have a little over 100 books, 50 some of which are my daughters, and to say that I've actually read my share of them is another story.

Last book I bought: I don't really buy myself books anymore, I've learned that they usually sit on the shelf. But this last Christmas we bought books for presents. 'The purpose driven life', 'I kissed dating good bye', and 'what the Bible says about arthritis'.

Last book I read: I'm in the process of re-reading 'every woman's battle'. It's an amazing book filled with many truths, so many that I didn't quite get all of them the first go around.

5 books that mean alot to me:
There have only been a few books that have impacted me me enough to stick them through to the end, and they are
"I kissed dating good bye" the Lord taught me through this book to be thankful with where God has me.
"The purpose driven life" this is another one of those books that should be re-read. An awesome eye opening book of what your role is as a christian.
"Every woman's battle" this was an amazing look at female sexuality and our role as godly women and wives.

May I have a Great mind

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I stumbled across this quote the other day, and have been pondering it since. I can't help but admit that I have had a small mind most of my life. God has been slowly breaking this unhealthy pattern for a while now, but it's still a stuggle for me. My mind is curious, about all the wrong things. I always want to know who's talking to who, why where and when, and what was said with what body language and tone of voice. So that I, can then form my own opinion of a situation that I myself was not a part of. Why do I do this? What do I gain when I go digging for information? I keep thinking that I'll strike gold, but instead I keep finding garbage.
I've been gossiped about. I've had personal intimate struggles made public by those I've trusted. I've had judgements come against me by those who are ignorant to the truth of the situation, but carry with them a hint of second hand information. I know very much how it feels to be talked about for reasons other than encouragement and bringing glory to God for all He's done and is doing. I've felt betrayed, dishonored and violated.
I want this unhealthy pattern in my life to stop. Why would I want others to feel how I've just described? I'm not thinking of these things as I'm gossiping, I'm only thinking of feeding my flesh, my cravings and my selfish desires. Maybe I like to build myself up by knowing what others are struggling with. Wow...... is that me?
God has been showing me that His love for me is not based on my performance. He's been doing things in me and in my life, that defy all logic. I ask myself, what have I been doing God that deserve all this blessing? The answer my friends is nothing. He's pouring out His spirit on someone who struggles with the very same things I judge others for. It seems that He's working out the judgemental spirit in allot of us, He wants us to come together in unity. He wants us to talk about eachother in love, He wants us to build eachother up, encourage eachother, and praise Jesus for the amazing work He's done in us! In my flesh I am judgemental and critical, but thank God I can love you all through His grace and His grace alone! Thank you Jesus that your love is not based on our performance. And thank you fellow brothers and sisters for loving me through good times and bad. I want to love you the same!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Thank you Jesus

Wow, what a mighty awesome God we serve! This morning I was privileged to witness a battle. The awesome godly men of my church family raised the sword of the spirit and declared their rightful place in the heavenly's as men of God. I witnessed lies being broken off in the name of Jesus, and truths being declared. These great men, lifted their voices and confessed their sin and brokeness, and cried out for God's mercy and grace. I can think of no other place I'd would have rather been than right in the midst of spiritual warfare, battle, victory and divine order. God is doing something HUGE! He is bringing in His order, so that we may see His blessing and GLORY! In our lives, in our families, in our church and in our nation! Praise you Jesus! What an amazing sight it was to see grown men, be broken before the Lord. For it is in brokeness that we are strong. The bows of the warriors are broken, but those who stumbled are armed with strength. ~ 1 Samuel 2:4
'Paul was broken on the Damascus road. Peter was broken after Jesus was taken prisoner. Jacob was broken at Peniel. David was broken after his sin with Bathsheba. The list could go on of those the Lord had to break in different ways before they could be used in the Kingdom. When we are broken, we see the frailty of human strength and come to grips with the reality that we can do nothing in our own strength. Then, new strength emerges that God uses mightily. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.'
Bless all of you men who walked humbly before the Lord this morning, layed down your lives and raised that sword high! What you declared here on earth was declared in the heavenly's, and as my uncle John would say, "AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING!"
Thank you men on behalf of us women, we love you and bless you.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Yesterday my daughter and I went over to my sisters for our first summery day. The kids went on the slip and slide while my sis and I tanned. It went about the same as any other year, we would try and talk and visit, but it would constantly get interupted with "so-and-so won't give me a turn"........"so-and-so's not following the rules"........."so-and-so's not sharing" Ahhhh, the joys of this season of small children. My sister has a 4 month old, so we took her out and brain stormed ideas to keep her out of the sun. My sister went and got a big umbrella, and set it over her. This worked well, but there was a bit of a wind that kept blowing the umbrella over. So my sister went and got 4 belts tied together, I tied one end to the umbrella, and she took the other end and tied it on her bike. This seemed fine, until the wind blew the umbrella over sideways. I was laying down right beside it, and at one point, it blew right on top of my head. My sister and my nephew stood and laughed for a bit before taking it off. When we realized this was not going to work, it was suggested that we just stick the baby in the shade by the tree...............
'nuff said

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Family Ties

The Kennedy's are off. The army of God is on it's way to Calgary/Airdrie. Chris and I were able to go to their farewell last night, and it was amazing. What an awesome family we have. There was a time for people to share words of encouragment, and there seemed to be the same theme with many. That was, that the Kennedy's were always able to be "themselves". To be comfortable in who God created them to be. "Comfortable in their own skin" as Dianne said. Knowing their purpose and going for it, with a 'Sam' laugh of course.
I recently read this article speaking on Acts 19:15 "One day an evil spirit asked them, 'I know Jesus, and I know about Paul, but who are you?" It went on to ask, if satan and his board members were having a meeting about you, what would they say? Are you a threat? Or do they leave you alone? It was nice to have read that in time, because I was able to share with Sam, that it's very evident in his walk, that he in deed is a threat. One Sunday morning, I first handedly experienced his threat. I had a bout of depression this last Christmas, which lasted through the months of Janurary and February. I went on anti-depressants as a quick fix, but for those of you who were privy to the situation, know that it was not a quick fix at all. They gave me severe insomnia, and I didn't sleep for two weeks. I felt adandoned by my doctor who had left on vacation right after seeing me, and no professional would help me without the advice of my family doctor. I started popping gravel to drug myself to sleep, and slowly weened myself off of the "quick fix". All the while, I was still in self pity, still in the desert, and still wanting to throw in the towel. One Sunday, I raised the white flag of surrendering, I knew I couldn't fight this fight anymore, or I would die. I receiced prayer from many. My eyes were closed and I was crying, so I wasn't aware of what was being said, or who was saying it. But I knew when it was Sam (the awesome touch of the shaking hand), and I knew whatever was being prayed was penetrating. I could literally feel things being broken and falling off. I could feel things being released like I've never experienced before. It was like I came alive that day! Thank you Lord for people like Sam, who are a threat in times of need. Who are willing to walk in Your spirit and giftings You've given. Thank you Lord for sending Your spirit to me, through Sam, to rescue me, to heal me, to bless me and to release me.
I want to be a threat to the kingdom of darkness. I want to pray with confidence and authority for those who are bound in sin. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and to pass all these characteristics onto my child and future children. I want to be known for being free in who God has created me to be. And if the Lord were to ever lead me and my husband elsewhere, I would want to leave as much of a mark and an influence in our body as the Kennedy's.
Thank you Lord that you are continuously growing us, and sending us out into new things. May we be a church that encourages growth, that releases and blesses. I love our family so much, and am so blessed to have all of you! Thank you for helping me grow. Peace and Love,

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

God grant me patience.......and hurry!

"Don't ask God for patience unless you want it to be tested."
Recently, God has brought a relationship to my attention that needs my time effort and yes, patience. Through this relationship I've realized how much I carry the spirit of divorce. Whenever I've had all that my flesh can handle, I pull away, I avoid, I separate. And what God has been speaking is 'No, I want you to go forth and humble yourself. Lay down your rights and be my servant.' When God told me these things I was all for it, sure God! I'm game for that. But as I've already found, my patience is being tried and tested. I'm being pruned and molded. My character is showing signs of selfishness, pride and arogance, and I'm wondering why I ever asked God for His patience in the first place. I'm pondering how much simpler it would be to do as I always do and retract, however, there is a much bigger picture here. I need to remember that I'm fighting FOR this relationship, and not fighting against it. My weapon is aimed at the wrong target! And anyway, I've got the wrong weapon in my hand, no wonder I'm feeling defeated. I want to be a witness of the love of Christ, and a missionary of His glory. I want people to see me carrying my cross, instead of all the same junk that the world offers. I want to preach the gospel at all times, without using words. My hearts desire is for patience, that I might run the race to it's fullest.

The battle is already won!

The battle belongs to the Lord!
This small piece of truth, so complex yet so simple, has been the testimony of the last four and a half years of my walk. Back in high school, there were a few classes that I struggled in. Math being one of them. Numbers is not my strong point. My husband has learned to not ask my any questions that will force me to do a math problem. (Just as I've learned that he's not the person to ask if I can't spell a word) I've got my Math A30, but this is only because my teacher didn't want me in his class anymore. Once we got into the graphing and what-not, the information started to fly over my head, leaving me confused. However, it was easy for me to shake of feelings of failure, because I figured when will I ever need or use this information? The only thing I came up with, is that I might need to know my fractions, so that it could help me with my shopping, figuring out how much 30% off would be and so on. But even then, I can always ask the people working there to figure it out for me. Yes, I am a sad individual......... I've felt that God has been trying to teach me something for the last four and a half years, that I'm just not getting. I've taken exam after exam, test after test, and I'm just not getting it! It seems that I'm going on a merry-go-round, I'm not getting anywhere, it's the same old same old. The battle belongs to the Lord! So complex, so simple. I've been called, as we all have, to hand over all I have to Him, and to trust that He is in control, not me. But it seems that what I've been called to hand over, and to trust in, is like a math problem. I'm faced with all these crazy numbers and I don't even know where to start, or what to do. I know that there is no better way to learn trust, then in a situation you have no control over what-so-ever. I have moments of endurance to run the race, but eventually I always get tired, and slip into some sort of self-pity/cop out/surrender mode, only I'm not surrendering to Him, I'm surrendering to my fears. "To say that a situation is hopeless, is to slam the door on the face of God." To slam the door on the face of God?! Oh Lord forgive me for being so arogant. I do not know what to do, I do not know what the answer is, and I can not do this in my own strength.

"O God, will you not exercise judgment upon them? For we have no might to stand against this great company that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You"
2 Chronicles 20:12

Lord may my eyes remain on You, for this is your battle. You are my comanding officer, and I will wait for your command. I've heard it said, don't ask God to guide your footsteps, unless you're willing to move your feet. I think I've had a long enough break........
I find it interesting that so many times the Lord has prompted me to prepare for battle, to raise my sword and to stand in the front line, only to find that when I get there, His next command is to lay down my sword and get on my knees. In the front line God? Isn't there a safer place we can hang out together? Pastor Terry said something in his sermon last Sunday that fit very well here. "The safest place you can be in in the will of God." No matter how many bombs are flying at me........ Man, so complex, yet so simple right?

Monday, June 06, 2005

My addiction

Coffee, my best friend, and worst enemy. For as long as I can remember, my mother has had a cup of coffee in her hand. She drinks it as soon as she wakes up in the morning, up until she goes to bed at night. I can remember occasions of her waking up to find that there was no coffee, and on these mornings my dad would have to walk to the nearst store (when we had no car) to buy a pound of coffee, to satisfy his highly addicted wife. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now that highly addicited wife.....
I started drinking coffee as a young teen as I'm sure most of us do. 'Going out for coffee' was the thing to do. Of course I'd add two tablespoons of sugar so that I'd have the pleasure of the syrupy goodness at the bottom of each cup. But as my tastebuds ajusted to this aquired taste, they matured to the point where I was able to drink coffee like 'big people' with only a half teaspoon of sugar. MMMmmmmm........
Coffee drinking remained an evening pleasure up until I started attending Nutana Collegiate. I had been out of school for a couple of years already, so going back was a shock to my system and routine (or lack of one). I would get up with my parents, and share a cup of coffee with my mom. This is when my 'morning coffee' gained it's ground and importance. I was still smoking, so my coffee and cigarette became my morning crutch. I could no longer function without this. I had become, my mother.
Later on durring that same year, I met a friend. Him and I were bums. We did nothing durring the day, nothing that was productive anyways. He drank coffee in the afternoon, and introduced me to this afternoon pick-me-up. I was now drinking coffee in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. It wasn't until I moved out on my own, and having to buy my own groceries, I experienced one of those mornings I witnessed growing up, when I would wake up to find there was no coffee. However, I had no husband to send to the nearest corner store, so I went without. I wasn't aware I was going through withdrawls until I read in a book that coffee withdrawl brings on horrible headaches.
Today, I have a headache. My husband and I have run out of coffee, and the only thing in our home is decaf. But we're going to the grocery store later today to pick up a few things, one of them being my drug, that seems to keep it's grip on me for now. Maybe one day, among the many other things I've cut of my life, coffee will be one of them. And I'll be like all the other normal people who wake up and eat breakfast instead of caffeine, or who go out and order herbal tea. Maybe I'll be one of those normal people who can't drink coffee after a certain time of day or it'll keep them up all night.
But after all, where would we be without the precious coffee bean?

"A morning without coffee is like, sleep"

"Oh bother! said Pooh, as he put his coffee in the microwave"

"Breakfast: coffee and a straw"

"COFFEE.EXE file not found: (a)bort? (r)etry? (p)anic?"

"Filther: a used coffee filter"

With all the trials that come with my addiction to America's favorite drug, I love my coffee. It's my best friend, and worst enemy.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

A Blue day or a New day?

Do you ever relate with the weather? It's been raining, cloudy, grey........ I've heard many people relate grey days to "blue" days. But for me, God's washing some things clean. I just finished washing all our summer sandals, making them look 'good as new', so they're ready for another summer. God specializes in making things new, wow, that rocks. I see Him doing it in almost everyone I know. I see healing, trials, and dry times taking place. He's preparing, making these things new so that they are fit for another season.
So, God has been taking me on a journey of learning better spending habits. For those of you who know me, this is a Hallelulia thing! Before I met Chris, money burned holes in my pockets, and I lived check to check. I grew up with little money, so this is just what you did. Then when Chris and I got married, our income got surprisingly larger. You can imagine the tension this caused, as Chris is very financially resonsible, heck, he's a financial advisor! God bless my husband as he's been so patient and gentle with me....... I've been looking around and asking myself why the heck I have 20 pairs of pants, 20 pairs of shoes and 50 tops. Is this really neccesary? Please don't answer..... So, for the last month or two, I've been in the process of downsizing my overly exessive lifestyle. Not only is it completely materialistic, but my husband doesn't need the added on pressure of having a spending freak sitting at home waiting for the paycheck. It's been up and down, but I will not give up. I've been slipping into my old ways of thinking a bit (I got the Ikea and the Sears catologues the other day, sigh!), but my hearts desire is to be transformed in this area. To be made new!
I've been slacking in my house duties. I've been fighting off a cold, and now that it's almost gone, I'm feeling lazy and unproductive. I can't seem to finish up Jonah's room, and that is ticking me off. It's been a "started" project for a long time, and I can only stand unfinished work for a little bit. So on that note, I suppose I have work to do, thank God for new days,

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Turns out I'm a Lemming

Well, here I am. I've been watching everyone jump on the ban wagon of this "blogging" business, being interested, but not quite interested enough to jump on myself. But I was thinking the other day, how important it is to let others know how you're doing and where you're at, because we're all in this together. So I'm officially on the ban wagon, turns out I'm a lemming. So bless all of you out there in Blogger world, look forward to seeing you on the other side.