Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Walking, running, sitting, standing, and fighting through this road life has led me to in this last year has been nothing short of hard, confusing, and all kinds of ridiculous. I've made many mistakes along the way, and have experienced many victories as well.
I heard it said just a few days ago, spoken to me by someone who's walked very closely with me through the trials, that there really isn't a right or wrong way to walk this road. My black and white brain finds that difficult to grasp, as there must be a right way, and wrong way, right?
But the more I pick apart what the heart of this message is, the more I realize the truth in it. I'm a human, and I will make mistakes, but as long as I'm headed, or at least, pointed in the right direction, then I'm ok. I am OKAY.
When my head is swimming in lies and accusations, and when the outside world knowingly or unknowingly attacks me to my very core, I get confused. Am I really ok? If the answer to this question is, am I pointed and walking in the right direction, then I can say in confidence, that yes, I am just fine.
Walking with my counselor, she reminds me that there is no one on this earth like me. That can be hard for me to wrap my head around, because there are tons of people like me. Tons of people like to dye their hair until the cows come home, tons of people love tattoos, piercings, fashion. Many people out there have a song writing ability, have two kids, have a husband. And heck let's me honest, do you know how many people drive a Sunfire? :P
It's such a freeing thought, and a big sigh of relief, that these things aren't what make me ME. These things actually have nothing to do with who I am inside. When I feel attacked in who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother, a human being wrestling with life, love and other mysteries, there is a truth I can fall back on that makes it all just fine. Who I am in Christ, can not be shaken.
I understand now, why I fell apart. I understand now why I shattered. I understand that me breaking apart into a million little pieces, actually had nothing to do with what has happened on the outside. I understand that my house was not built on the rock.
While I may not fully be there yet, I know without a doubt, that I am pointed in the direction of building my house on the rock. I choose to believe (although, I may not always feel that choice), that if the world fell apart around me right now, that I would be ok. I choose to believe that if everything I've come to believe about the world around me turned it's back on me, that I would be ok. I've realized that my expectations have been in the wrong place. People will hurt me, people will harm me. Do I have rights? Yes. I have the right to respond in love, and I have the right to walk away in that love. My expectations for love and respect are too high, and will not be met.
But, expecting that God will come through, that God will restore and set free, that God will heal and finish what He's started, these are expectations I can have.
In anticipation, I wait...

7 comments:

  1. Wow. I love this>
    "I understand now, why I fell apart. I understand now why I shattered. I understand that me breaking apart into a million little pieces, actually had nothing to do with what has happened on the outside. I understand that my house was not built on the rock."
    This is so. Wow. You have much insight. And I am excited to know you and hear your heart and wisdom. And to be reminded that the external crap has nothing to do with the real us that's inside.

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  2. So. Many. Emotions.
    Mostly, though, I just love you. <3

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  3. Wow! Yep, thanks for your thoughts. Love hearing from your heart!

    You wrote the words "I choose to believe" and I was reminded of something that stood out to me this week. We talked at our study about unbelief and how that a lack of faith and thus a sin. I was challenged to live life with more faith and belief that God can and will and is at work in my life. To believe that he is redeeming the situation even if it doesn't feel like it. I have been challenged to have more faith in areas of my life where I feel like my faith is lacking.

    I totally get the realization of needing to build your life on who you are in Christ and not your circumstances. Over a year and a half ago my world fell apart. I was a mess. I am glad that today I am not who I was back then but I still am on a journey of growing and learning.

    Hugs.

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  4. Too many tears are flowing to type much right now....just wanted to say thanks for sharing your heart. I plan to email soon...life has been kicking my butt these days, however...

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  5. so does that mean that even tho i picked the same shower curtain, that you are still you and i'm still me? :P:P

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  6. guess what the word verification was? IMPsara! hahaha sometimes, i swear there's hidden messages in those!

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  7. LOL. The hidden message was IMP-SARA?
    Weeeeeeird ;)

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