lol, seriously, lol.

Are you still here??

It's over!

Go home!

-Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

My rant, for those who want it and those who don't.

Sorry to dissapoint those of you who thought I was going to rant and rave about all the rumors flying around about cheating and scandals, but I side with my stranger friend Melanie in remaining unbiased to things I know nothing about.
I do however know a bit about Kate as a wife. Heeding my dear Sherry's 'warning', yet not nessesarily thinking I need it, I believe my frustrations are to encourage.

Coming up on my 5th year anniversary with my hubby, I've been incredibly drawn to Kate, in the kind of wife that she is. She's almost like a greasy food, I'm drawn to her, but then feel like crap afterwards. Maybe the proper sentence of my last post should've been "Watching Kate makes me sick" (since my wording seemed to create some hype), however, I thought "I hate" sounded a little prettier and not so messy.

It's been funny to see how every year I write a little anniversary post, about how far we've come and how much more in love we are with eachother blah blah blah, only to sound like a broken record one year later. I'm blessed by the team that we've become, knowing that we're a strong one, and also knowing that it's only going to get better, and we're only going to get stronger as the years go on.

Our dating relationship, as well as the first year we were married, was a different story. We were not a team, not even close. I think the reason why I'm so sickened by watching Kate, is she reminds me of me, and the crap I used to walk in. Seeing how she talks over Jon and barely lets him get a word in, seeing how she bosses him around with no respect or manners, treating him like he's one of the 8 kids, is exactly how I used to talk to Chris. And yes, I'm ashamed to admit that. It's a wonder he even married me....

I think even more than simply being frustrated for their marriage, is knowing that many women out there, reading the smut mags and keeping up with the rumors, have come to the conclusion that Kate is the victim. Because of what Jon did (or didn't do) leaves Kate as "poor Kate", yet no one talks about the happenings leading up to his choices. I'm not going to condone anything Jon may have (or haven't) done, because honestly, I don't know a whole lot about what Jon thinks, since Kate does all the talking. He has said however that he's unhappy. He hates being 'Jon and Kate plus 8', he wants to just be Jon, but Kate refuses to quit the show. Many have their own opinions as to what Kate motives are for refusing. Money, fame, but whatever the case, I can in good conscience say they are selfish, if they are coming before Jon.

Their marriage resembles nothing like a team with mutual respect, it resembles a boss and a employee, and the boss is never satisfied. I've known a marriage that resembled this. She was always treating him like dirt, nothing he did was ever good enough, and one day, he snapped. He made some bad choices, and she left him. She was the poor victim of his bad choices, and the way she treated him was left hush hush. Honestly, if my spouse treated me that way, I'd probably snap too.

Watching Kate and the way she treats Jon makes my skin crawl, and contrary to what some may think, I believe that the ever evil "hate" actually IS from the Lord. It's not Kate I hate, it's the sin. God uses situations we've been in, or have seen others walk through, to grow a heart that desires holiness. I desire to see holiness in marriage. I may be directing my hate at the wrong target, but such is life.

When I look at my marriage, I smile. I know we don't have it all together, I know we still have a lifetime of learning ahead of us, but I smile, because we're friends. We're best friends! We have fun like friends, we talk like friends, we treat eachother like friends. I see so many marriages, Jon and Kate being just one, that are totally barren of these things. It makes me sad, (but mostly mad because it seems to be my favorite emotion) that they are missing out on so much.

The season premiere of Jon and Kates next season is tomorrow night. I hope, I really hope, that they can work things out, however, I think it's safe to say, that if they try to do it infront of the world, they won't. If Kate continues with the show, and continutes to starve Jon of what he needs, which is respect, their marriage will fall apart, it's just a matter of when.

I......

HATE

Kate Gosselin.

A small preview of the big vent coming soon.

My piggy.

This little piggy sat on a rock.

This little piggy went on a slide.

This little piggy got filthy.

This little piggy screamed on a ride.

And this little piggy went weeeeeeeeeeee!............

Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!



all the way home.

What is the time-waster de jour?

It's the time-waster of the day.

mmmmm...... I'll have that......

I HATE labels, I hate that people have labeled me, I hate even more that I've labeled others.

I LOVE summer, and everything about it, sun, brown skin, pools, green, flowers, activity.

I HATE doing laundry, and always have. I can never seem to stay on top of it.

I LOVE shopping, for anything. I think what I really love, is spending money.

I HATE that I'm always late, and that I expect people to tack on an extra 20 minutes to the time I tell them I'll be there.

I LOVE my son's vocabulary, I love that he says 99% of his words 'incorrectly', and I refuse to let anyone correct him, because soon enough this phase will be gone.

I HATE how much I LOVE Facebook.

I LOVE red wine, and would drink it like water if I thought others would approve.

I HATE expectations, I hate that I have too many on myself, I hate that I have too many on others.

I LOVE writting out my thoughts, and pouring my heart into words.

I HATE that song "I know you want me" by Pitbull. I hate even more that it has such a good beat that I forget which song it is and crank up the volume, only to be reminded that I hate it.

I LOVE having a clean house, and take pride in knowing how far I've come in regards to being a home-maker.

I HATE my skin condition, I hate even more that it doesn't even have a name.

I LOVE being smoke-free! I love knowing that I'm not controlled by a substance.

I HATE that I too quickly forget that I am controlled by many things, just like every other imperfect being, just not smoking.

I LOVE that I'm not perfect.

I HATE that I'm not perfect.

I LOVE having a second vehicle, and can't believe I survived so long without one.

I HATE it when I can't find answers, when I don't have a formula, when things don't fit in the box, and when I don't have a step by step plan.

I LOVE my close friends, I love that they know me and still want to be around me. I love that even in times where it feels like I have no substance, they will still hang out with me in the meaningless fluff.

I HATE that I waste time on the computer doing nothing, like this stupid list.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

People think I've got it all together,

with the show of my sweet sweet smile,

but do they know if I've been happy ever?

Pull up a chair cuz this may take a while.....

"The real me"

-Jaci Velasquez

What is it for?

What does it matter?

Does it matter?

What do I do now?

Just a few of the plethora of questions swimming in my heart. How did I get here? To this place of questioning my very foundation? Am I too afraid to say this outloud?.......Why am I?

I'm realizing more and more how incredibly twisted my insides are, how I built my house on things that are very shaky and unstable, and now, as I watch my house crumble once again, I ask myself what's the point, I have clearly failed the house building course.

So what now? When all passion has been stripped away, what do you do? Do you carry on doing all the things you did that made you think you were doing "good"? Or do you stop doing it all hoping that you'll realize that's not what it's all about anyway.

I feel like I'm questioning what's in the very core of my being, and I'd hoped I'd find more answers than I'm finding. My faith is being tested more than ever before, and honestly, I feel like I'm failing the test.

But is it really about tests? Is it really about winning or losing or passing or failing? Or is there a world completely free from all of that?

While I'm still in my running gear (barely), I stand still on this track, watching other running pass me by, waving, some smile. I wonder if I will ever finish this race, or at least, get back up. The hope that I will get back up, and continue fighting the good fight keeps me here, although standing still, I will not walk away.

He's baaaaaaaaaack.

For those of you who have been following my blog for a couple of years, you may recall our traumatic experience with a psycho robin who flew into our window at ungodly hours in the morning over and over and over and over.

This morning a robin paid us a visit.

Little does it know that we have been wounded, and wounded people do not think before doing, they react. If it does this again, I swear I'll kill it (dead, murdered, stabbed......)

funniness

quick family update, to make myself feel like I actually do still blog.

Hubby:

-Is so worthy of being first of the family update list.
-Is helpful and needed in so many ways.
-Treats me to so many things I don't deserve.
-Has a new assistant at work, which is soooooo good. I've already noticed him having more time.

Son:

-New fave words: MINE, NO......that is all.
-Likes to yell at people who don't answer him.
-Repeats himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.......
Example:
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Yeah?
A ball!
A ball? Wow!
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Yes?
A ball!!!
Yeah a ball!
Mommy!
What?
A ball!!!
Yeah, I know!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
What Daniel?
A ball!!!!!
I KNOWWWWWW!!!!!!

Moving on.

Daughter:

-Beautiful, gorgeous, boys like her, eeek!
-New fave website is Happymeal.com. (and has forgotten about her 9 webkinz)
-Has next week off school! Whoot! Whoot!

Me:

-Getting gel nails tomorrow!
-Got my lip pierced and I love it. It feels so nice to have piercings again, it's like my love for my former piercings never went away. But I'm glad that I came to a place where I was happy to be just me without them, before going out and getting another one.
-Feels like I keep failing the same test over and over.
-Have lost the will and passion to be healthy, but am still truckin, slowly but surely.

A lesson through a little girl....

On our way home from picking up the kids from school, Daniel hit Jonah in the face with his toy fish, hard. Jonah cried, and Daniel got in trouble. We then dropped Noah and Isaiah off at their house, all the while, Jonah is fine, but still complaining about how much that hurt, and how upset she was at her brother. We stopped to pick up the mail, and Jonah is still complaining about the incident. I reminded her that Daniel said sorry, and that she should probably let it go and forgive him. She said, "but it still hurts......"
Right then, at that moment, I realized what forgiveness looks like, doing it even though it still hurts, and even though it will still hurt, and I heard God say,

"Exactly."

A song in my heart.....

Wonderings......

I wonder......

-when my neighbor will take the Christmas wreath off her stinkin door already!

-when will they stop calling it The "NEW" Wired 96.3.

-why am I so judgemental.

-if I should get gel nails again.

-if I'll be able to make it through the summer WITHOUT bleaching my hair.

-what would I do without my husband.

My top ten sweatin' songs

My top ten workout faves!



1. Circus -Britney Spears

2. Dead and Gone -T.I.

3. Forgive Me -Group 1 Crew

4. I Love Myself Today -Bif Naked

5. If Today was your Last Day -Nickleback

6. Let's get it Started -Black Eyed Peas

7. Perfect Day -Hoku

8. Rehab -Rihanna

9. Washed by the Water -Needtobreath

10. 18 Wheeler -P!nk

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ now I know my ABC'S next time won't you sing with me.

ABC's

A is for age: 25
B is for booze: Definately red wine, although I think I may be a little too classy to call it "booze".
C is for candy: Skittles in the purple bag.
D is for Dad's name: Richard Kenneth.
E is for essential items to bring to a party: Depending on who's party, most likely order is what I would bring if it's a party at my moms.
F is for favourite song at the moment: 'In the End' -Linkin Park, 'Circus' -Britney Spears, 'Beauty from Pain -Superchick. Could'nt pick just one.
G is for game: Pit'ness.
H is for hometown: Toon Town.
I is for instruments you play: Guitar, Piano.
J is for jam or jelly you like: My mother in laws nanking cherry jam! Yumminess.
K is for kids: Jonah and Daniel.
L is for love: I LOVE doing silly time-wasting quizzes just for you.
M is for Mom's name: Irene/Mary/Preema/Mashang/Kookum/Mom/Mommy/Mother Figure.
N is for name of your bestfriends: Chris and Sarah.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Two, for two kids.
P is for phobias: Feet, no wait, OTHER people's feet. I hate it when someone's second toe is longer than their big toe. It's called the BIG toe for a reason people! EW.
Q is for quote you like: OUTTA THE WAY PECK!
R is for reality show: X Weighted!
S is for siblings: One best sister.
T is for time you go to bed: Sometime between 11 and 12:30.
U is for university: Nah. Way too cool for that.
V is for vegetables you love: Broccoli forever and ever amen.
W is for worst trait: Too many to list.
X is for x-rays you've had: No idea. A few. Who cares anyway. They just couldn't think of another question for X. It's ALWAYS x-ray for X. New word people.
Y is for yummy food: Anything shrimpiness.
Z is for zodiac sign: Blah. I'm Jordan, and I'm a taurus, and if you think you know everything about me, then check THIS out! IIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiii wanna be loved by you babyyyyyyyyy by you babyyyyyyy!

My friend C

I have this friend let's call her "C"
She's always been so nice to me.
She moved away I miss her so,
I wrote this blog to let her know!

I got to spend much time with "C"
When I was big, fat and full of heat.
And when I had to sit and sing,
She'd nicely point the fan at me.

We've had countless hours of phone chats,
Where we'd pat eachother on the back.
Encouraging eachother to press through,
Trials we could both relate to.

Then came a day she moved away,
To place we'll simply call "B.K."
It's been too long since we've seen eachother,
Seems our kids graduation is when we'll see one another.

But even still, my dear friend "C"
Means an awful awful lot to me.
She's blessed me more than she even knows,
So I wrote this blog to tell her so!

P.S. My poem for "C"
Is also for "Gee"
We miss him too
And hope to see you guys soon!

Love you C!
I TOLD YOU I WOULD!!!

My 10 Food Staples.

List 10 Food Staples in your kitchen and tell *why* they are so important, and *how* you use them....

1. Milk: My son still has warm milk at night and naptime (he may be our last so I don't care!), and my daughter has cereal every morning before school. It's the kind of staple that if we realize we're out at 11 pm, someone goes out and gets some, and by someone, I mean my hubby.

2. Fat Free Yogurt: Everyone's a big fan of this healthy snack. I pack it in daughter's lunch, hubby and I snack on it in the evening, and we usually mix in some granola with almonds and raisins.

3. Green Tea: My new best friend. Now that I'm off coffee, I drink green tea everyday with a bit of honey. I used to hate the taste, but I started liking it more and more when I'd have it at Asian restaurants. Now I love it.

4. Broccoli: Have been going through a broccoli phase and it is the greatest vegetable in the world. I don't like it raw though, has to be steamed.

5. Sanwich meat: Most likely some sort of lean turkey for me, and honey ham for daughter's lunch's, which she likes to take as is, just the meat, no bread.

6. Calorie-reduced margarine: When I did Weight Watchers, my sis explained that there were things you could just cut out completely, so that you didn't use points in places you didn't need to or would'nt miss. However, I could never get rid of margarine, I love it a ton..... hence, calorie-reduced.

7. Kraft Creamy Poppyseed calorie-wise dressing: Also going through a poppyseed dressing phase, where it is the best dressing ever, and I top it with roasted almonds.

8. Crystal Light: I used to be the only one who would drink it, since it was a bit pricier than other juices, and since I was the one watching my calories at that time. But then I realized, that's dumb, my kids don't need the sugar any more than I do! So now it's all we drink. I've been sending it in daughters lunch instead of juice boxes too.

9. Chicken: My favorite meat. If I go a while without eating it, I will actually crave it. We buy frozen chicken breasts, and will either bbq them or bake them. (Our faves are greek and honey-garlic)

10. Shrimp: My other favorite. It's so easy, so healthy, so quick, and so yummy. I can go through a bag in a few days. And I never feel bad after eating a ton, cuz they feel so light in my stomach. I make them in a frying pan with tangy thai sauce, and will mix in peppers and hot sauce.


Am seriously interested in what your staples are!!!

Reality.

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end

When will the day come when happiness begins

I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win

I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away

My heart's been put on display and put away

In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok

And anger was the price that was paid

While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne

I can't take it any longer

I can taste my spirit hunger

God please help me get home



Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath

I only fear that I don't have enough time left

To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath

I only fear that I don't have enough time left

To tell the world that there's no time left



I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope

And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off

The sin that be destroying every fiber I got

I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not

Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life

I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight

And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong

I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong

Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment

Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids

It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up

You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up

You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope

That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying

I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go

Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul



Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for

There's got to be more

Than this life I know

But still I'm here fighting to never give up

I find strength in Your love

And You will see me through

-Group One Crew-


My sister told me the other day that she thanks the one who hurt her, because she knows that through this trial she's growing more into the woman God created her to be.
I'm not there, not even close.
But, I can see, far off in the distance, that maybe one day, I too may say thank-you.

I relate it to my walk towards health and wellness. Before I had Daniel, I ate crap all the time, and did jack *poop*. I was completely out of shape, and could do very little because of it.
After I had Daniel, I carried a little extra weight, and unlike after I had Jonah, this time, my body didn't just melt it off by sitting on the couch. Suddenly, I had to work, and work hard!
When I look at all my journey has become, how it started as losing a few extra pounds, and has turned into a whole lifestyle overload that has taught me more than I ever dreamed, I'm thankful that I had to struggle to get that weight off. I know that if it weren't for that weight, I never would've had enough reason to change, I would'nt have had to face the bad choices I was making, and I would've stayed where it was comfortable.

This makes sense to me, and I know there will come a day where I will actually show some sort of fruit! Until then...... I will be encouraged in the little I have learned.

1. Celebrate diversity! It's ok to disagree! It's ok to butt heads. When I look at some of the hardest times I've walked through, there were people who stepped up and walked with me, people who don't think how I think, people who don't believe what I believe, but people who loved me and loved me like crazy!

2. Don't say things that mean nothing! I hate that I've told people I miss them, only because I realize one day that I haven't seen or talked to them in ages, and I feel like a dope so I say, I miss you, thinking that'll make them feel loved when really, it makes them feel worse. I want weight to be behind my words.

3. Don't be a phony. I want to be real. I'm sick of this blog being empty and dry because I'm afraid of being real. This is me: angry, struggling, rejected, unforgiving, questioning and doubting. There.

4. Don't kid yourself, you are just like the people you are putting down. You may come in a nicer looking package, and some might view you as more mature, maybe you have some higher position, but in the end, it doesn't matter.

5. I am a hypocrite, a big one.

Boredom.

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It's not as easy as you might think! It's really hard to only use one word answers.....



1.Your Cell phone? Non-existent.

2. Your significant other? AMAZING.

3. Your hair? Fried.

4. Your mother? Friend.

5. Your father? Fun.

6. Your favorite thing? Hubby.

7. Your dream last night? Upsetting.

8. Your favorite drink? Caffeinated.

9. Your dream/goal? Trust.

10. What room you are in? Basement.

11. Your hobby? Excersize.

12. Your fear? Quitting.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Loving.

14. Where were you last night? Bed.

15. Your heart? Taken.

16. Muffins? Minicake.

17. Wish list item? Freedom.

18. Where you grew up? Home.

19. Last thing you did? Cramped.

20. What are you wearing? Clothes.

21. Your TV? On.

22. Your pets? Gone.

23. Friends? Some.

24. Your life? Coasting.

25. Your mood? Undecided.

26. Missing someone? Yes.

27. Car? Two.

28. Something you're not wearing? Makeup.

29. Your favorite store? Many.

30. Your favorite color? Blue.

31. Your motto? Truth.

32. Something you say all the time? Sorry.

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.

34. Last time you cried? Always.

35. Who will resend this? Meh.

36. One place that I go to over and over? Potty.

37. One person who emails me regularly? Father.

38. Favorite place to eat? Grill.

39. Why you participated in this survey? Geek.

40. What are you doing tonight? Chillin.

Wasabi goodness....

Somewhere in between....

I can't be losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real and
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

-Lifehouse-