Monday, April 27, 2009

It just doesn't get any better than this.

People think I've got it all together,
with the show of my sweet sweet smile,
but do they know if I've been happy ever?
Pull up a chair cuz this may take a while.....
"The real me"
-Jaci Velasquez

What is it for?
What does it matter?
Does it matter?
What do I do now?
Just a few of the plethora of questions swimming in my heart. How did I get here? To this place of questioning my very foundation? Am I too afraid to say this outloud?.......Why am I?
I'm realizing more and more how incredibly twisted my insides are, how I built my house on things that are very shaky and unstable, and now, as I watch my house crumble once again, I ask myself what's the point, I have clearly failed the house building course.
So what now? When all passion has been stripped away, what do you do? Do you carry on doing all the things you did that made you think you were doing "good"? Or do you stop doing it all hoping that you'll realize that's not what it's all about anyway.
I feel like I'm questioning what's in the very core of my being, and I'd hoped I'd find more answers than I'm finding. My faith is being tested more than ever before, and honestly, I feel like I'm failing the test.
But is it really about tests? Is it really about winning or losing or passing or failing? Or is there a world completely free from all of that?
While I'm still in my running gear (barely), I stand still on this track, watching other running pass me by, waving, some smile. I wonder if I will ever finish this race, or at least, get back up. The hope that I will get back up, and continue fighting the good fight keeps me here, although standing still, I will not walk away.


  1. I once ran a race. I was sick with a cold and then was trampled on by a number of other runners. I had bloody knees and kept running but wanted to give up. Then out of no where a girl grabbed my hand and ran with me and encouraged me to finish. I want to be that friend to you. I too am on a journey and I hope to can spur each other on!

  2. Always thinking of you! HUGS.

  3. Anonymous6:46 AM

    Don't really know what to say... sending you hugs for now.

  4. ive been thinking of you lately too... we should do coffee sometime... I'll email ya!

  5. I just wanted you to know my dear bestest bestest sister, that I read this days ago, come here and read it over and over. i cried when i first read it. that picture that you chose made my heart sting. i can seriously relate. i understand. I love you. We'll get through this. and we'll be better people for it all.....