Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Reality.

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end

When will the day come when happiness begins

I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win

I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away

My heart's been put on display and put away

In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok

And anger was the price that was paid

While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne

I can't take it any longer

I can taste my spirit hunger

God please help me get home



Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath

I only fear that I don't have enough time left

To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath

I only fear that I don't have enough time left

To tell the world that there's no time left



I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope

And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off

The sin that be destroying every fiber I got

I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not

Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life

I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight

And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong

I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong

Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment

Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids

It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up

You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up

You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope

That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying

I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go

Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul



Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for

There's got to be more

Than this life I know

But still I'm here fighting to never give up

I find strength in Your love

And You will see me through

-Group One Crew-


My sister told me the other day that she thanks the one who hurt her, because she knows that through this trial she's growing more into the woman God created her to be.
I'm not there, not even close.
But, I can see, far off in the distance, that maybe one day, I too may say thank-you.

I relate it to my walk towards health and wellness. Before I had Daniel, I ate crap all the time, and did jack *poop*. I was completely out of shape, and could do very little because of it.
After I had Daniel, I carried a little extra weight, and unlike after I had Jonah, this time, my body didn't just melt it off by sitting on the couch. Suddenly, I had to work, and work hard!
When I look at all my journey has become, how it started as losing a few extra pounds, and has turned into a whole lifestyle overload that has taught me more than I ever dreamed, I'm thankful that I had to struggle to get that weight off. I know that if it weren't for that weight, I never would've had enough reason to change, I would'nt have had to face the bad choices I was making, and I would've stayed where it was comfortable.

This makes sense to me, and I know there will come a day where I will actually show some sort of fruit! Until then...... I will be encouraged in the little I have learned.

1. Celebrate diversity! It's ok to disagree! It's ok to butt heads. When I look at some of the hardest times I've walked through, there were people who stepped up and walked with me, people who don't think how I think, people who don't believe what I believe, but people who loved me and loved me like crazy!

2. Don't say things that mean nothing! I hate that I've told people I miss them, only because I realize one day that I haven't seen or talked to them in ages, and I feel like a dope so I say, I miss you, thinking that'll make them feel loved when really, it makes them feel worse. I want weight to be behind my words.

3. Don't be a phony. I want to be real. I'm sick of this blog being empty and dry because I'm afraid of being real. This is me: angry, struggling, rejected, unforgiving, questioning and doubting. There.

4. Don't kid yourself, you are just like the people you are putting down. You may come in a nicer looking package, and some might view you as more mature, maybe you have some higher position, but in the end, it doesn't matter.

5. I am a hypocrite, a big one.

6 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a lot to think about honey. I am all about being real - so bring it on.

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  2. Hurray for being real!! I'm sick of the phoney baloney that some spew out!(and you are not one of those people!) Your blog always encourages.

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  3. Glad you are being real. It hurts some times to be real and vulnerable and yet it's refreshing at the same time. Thinking of you and sending you a hug.

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  4. Count me in with all the other hypocrites....

    Real and beautiful....
    Such a drink of water, this post....
    Your heart is so so so beautiful.
    There's just something to be said about the rawness of the storm and the humility that comes from being broken.

    I love you, I really really do, I'm not just saying that. I know that I know that there is weight behind those words. I am there for you. I am praying for you....

    My best sister.....hugs and more hugs....

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  5. oh, and I've never actually read "forgive me" with lyrics. Wow, even tho i run to that song almost everyday, such a powerful song.....

    Real and raw

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  6. thanks for being real. i've never thought of you as being phoney.

    and you're TOTALLY right with point #2. i've done that too.

    i love you nin. it really sucks that you are feeling anger. struggling, rejected, unforgiving, questioning and doubting. you are on my heart right now.

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