My Mother…..

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all those peas are gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand”

And my favorite…..

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

I will fake it until I make it....

I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am forgiven.
I have been rescued.
I will be healed.
I will be MORE than ok.
I will dream again.
I will dream BIG.
I can do this.
I have what it takes....

While I may not believe these things, a stilled small voice in me says these things are not only true, but the ONLY truth in the midst of this chaos. I may have lost hope, but I can still choose to hope for hope itself.

Hope CAN come for me.
Hope WILL come for me.
Hope IS coming for me.

LOST.....

everything is

.

.

.

.

....lost.....

and everything I've LOVED before is

gone

ALONE.

Like the coming of the frost

and a cold winters chill in my stony heart

WHERE WERE YOU?

when all that I've hoped for...

WHERE WERE YOU?

when all that I've dreamed

came crashing down in shambles around me....

...

....

.....

you were on the cross

Pain

could you take away the pain

if I find someone to blame

would it make my life seem easier

oh Lord...

all my friends are asleep

zzzz.....

zzzzz......

and I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

WHERE WERE YOU?

when sin stole my innocence....

WHERE WERE YOU?

when I was .......ashamed

hiding in a life I wish I never made

you were on the cross

my god

MY GOD

all along.........................................

all along......................

you were on the cross

you died for us

all along

all along

you were on the cross

victorious

all along

all along

YOU WERE THERE

in all of my suffering

and YOU WERE THERE

in doubt and in fear

I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear.....

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

Contrary to popular belief, through my own doing, I am capable of being something other than a scrooge at Christmas.

Here's my traditional point form update of what we've been up to lately:

US:

-Learning more and more about love/respect/forgiveness/leaning/leading/following/growing/honesty/letting go and finally....letting God, than ever before.

-Taking it easy (as much as we can) this Christmas, and enjoying the time we spend together.

-Hubby has a new position, which provides much needed stability, and much more time at home.

-Wife is finally getting back on track with house duties, and finding her way back into the Matrix, but, still carrying the knowledge that comes from being unplugged ; )

DAUGHTER:

-Is now 9.

-Had an amazing birthday party with her little friends at the new Shaw Center pool, complete with TONS of swimming, cupcakes cookies and hot chocolate, and NO presents!!

-Got a Nintendo DS from two wicked awesome parents, who's hearts were deeply touched when she opened it, and cried!

-Is now at her other parents house spending the first half of Christmas vaca with them, enjoying the blessing of having so many people who love her tons.

-Is starting to enter into tweeny convo with me at bedtime, and I'm so blessed to be able to openly and freely talk, share and connect with her in those times.

THE BOY:

-Is the pure definition of Savage Monkey.

-Never sits still.

-Is always into something.

-Is talking up a storm, and guess what, never stops talking, ever.

-Occasionally throws himself into laugh attacks while in bed, with the lights off, all alone.

-Has been doing AMAZING waiting patiently for his "grimace pwesents" that have been wrapped up under the tree for weeks and weeks.

-Loves to help with laundry, and other chores, but becomes bored with them five seconds in and runs away.

-Is the cat's pajamas, and has this magical ability to be the cutest most sweetest thing in the whole wide world, which prevents his own death, most likely by mommy, on the days when she wants to throw him out into the snow.

THE END.

Looking for xmas spirit? You've visited the wrong blog.

Following in my tradition of bringing my anual dose of BAH!HUMBUG to my readers, I thought this year I would sum up in a list of 6 things, the reasons why, I'm a Scrooge at christmas.


1. It's commercialized.

They tell us we need to run around like headless chickens from store to store, spending copious amounts of money on this new things and that new thing, and guess what, we do. We roam around the malls like herds of cattle, doing exactly what we're told. Christmas decorations come out as early as September, flyers full of toys, catalogues specifically devoted to picking out all the new things you want but don't need. Commercials galore full of the latest toy of the week, turn my kids into brainless robots saying, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.


2. It's not even Jesus's birthday.

Jesus was not born in December, not even close, and anyway, the Bible tells us to remember his death, since that's what He came to earth to do. Funny how the commercialism of Easter, the time to actually remember His death and resurection has been overshadowed by the easter bunny and chocolate eggs.


3. People get retarded.

People in malls, people in cars, people on streets, people at work, all retards. For whatever reason we all forget how to walk, how to drive, and how to be normal at christmas. We're all in such a rush and we're all under so much stress, that we stand in line annoyed, annoyed at the person in front of us, annoyed that there aren't more tills open, annoyed that we still have 50 more people to buy for, annoyed that it's cold, annoyed that we're spending so much money, as we stand there and listen to music overhead about joy and peace and goodness. Getting into the spirit of christmas? Please.


4. The spoiled brats of the world come out from under their rocks.

I'm disgusted as I sit around watching adults open gift upon gift, like as if they deserved it, just because it's christmas. One year, I heard someone say, "this year was good, everyone got a pretty good haul." Um, person, you suck, seriously. Some people don't even say thank you! Or they do, but it's forced and ungenuine. Go home.

People are filled with expectation at christmas, and I don't mean the good kind. People expect things, and then they open their presents to find something less than expected, us normal people can see it on their face, and there's nothing more unattractive.



5. People use it to punch in their family time.

But the difference between "us" and "them" is, I like to think family is the kinda thing that punches in the the time card everyday, or once a week, or heck, even once a month. But family members that don't even speak to you (or your kids) at all, then expect all this lovey dovey family stuff at xmas? Psh. Some people think buying my kids gifts once a year will mean they'll have a relationship with them in the future. News flash, not the way it works.


6. My daughter is spoiled.

My daughter has us, my parents, hubbys parents, my sis, my aunt, as well as her other parents, her step moms parents, and her dads parents..... all wanting to bless her. So, with her birthday being just one week before xmas, and her having a birthday party with all her little girlfriends, each with a gift, plus family birthday gifts, plus xmas? Spoiled spoiled spoiled. I hate it. And with 200 brand new gifts, you think she plays with all of them? No. I have to go through her room each year, give a ton of stuff to the Salvation Army, just to make room for 200 more new things to come in. It's retarded.

Obviously, I'm sure not EVERYONE is like this at christmas, I've just never met these people. But hey, it's a big world, I'm sure they exist.

Merry Christmas,

Love, your dear friend,

Scrooge.

Quote of the Day.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her a sperm, she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.

So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Something God said.

Am I good enough?

I know you'll say yes, but if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought anything less than your full worth in Him, you know that it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't know your worth, there isn't anything anyone can say to change your mind.

I was laying in bed the other night. My husband turned over and whispered, "I love you...."

I layed there, wanting more. A great big gaping hole, completely void of any worth, wanted to know why. Why do you love me, when I don't even know who I am? Please, tell me how you see me, because when I look at myself, I see nothing....

I layed there in silence, wrestling through the thoughts and emotions that were clouding my heart and mind. God met me there. He told me, my child, you do not need hear the answers to your questions from your husband. You need to hear the answer from Me.

So, stubbornly, and annoyed, I said fine. Well God? How do you see me?

Suddenly God gave me this picture, of this little girl in a pink dress. She was dancing around and twirling, running. Completely care free.

Mmmm, nice right? No. Seriously God? I've seen all this before. I've heard all this before. The whole you seeing me as a little girl in a dress running around is not going to penetrate the thick walls that surround my heart! I am incredibly messed up! I feel so lost! I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going!

As I lay there, fighting in silence, God opened my eyes to another piece of His heart for me.

He brought me back to a memory of me as a little girl. I had gone to bible camp, and my mom was there to pick me up to take me home. As I handed her my bags, she asked me why on earth they were so heavy. I was embarssed to tell her, so I told her I didn't know and that we should just quickly get them in the car. She refused to put them in the car, plunked them down on the ground and opened up my bags. Inside each bag, she found pounds and pounds and pounds, of rocks. Rocks. I had filled my bags, with huge rocks! Immediately, my mom said I had to put them back, that it was rediculous to take all these rocks home. I begged her to take the rocks home, and told her I really wanted to decorate my bedroom with all these pretty rocks. Of course, my mom said no, and made me put all the rocks back on the ground, where they belonged. Dissapointed, I put them back.

As I'm remembering this, God gives me a picture, of that same little girl in the pink dress. She's pulling a wagon, overflowing with toys, some broken, some missing pieces, garbage, things that you couldn't even make out what they were, because they'd been broken off the object they came from. To any passerby, this looked like a wagon full of junk, but to this little girl, these were her prized possessions. God assured me that while it may feel like I'm pulling around a bunch of shit, that it's ok. He said it didn't matter to him what I put in my wagon, as long as I let him pull it for me. As I layed there, feeling incredibly messed up, feeling like a big mass of issues, here's this almighty Father saying, He'll pull my crap for me. He said, Nin, no one can possibly understand why you would want to fill your wagon with rocks. It doesn't make any sense! But, I understand. I know these rocks mean something to you, they're precious and sacred, no one gets this, but I do! My child, it doesn't matter what you fill this wagon with. You can fill it with rocks and broken dreams and trash, because I'm big enough to restore and redeem all those things! But Nin.....you have to let me pull it for you. You can't pull it on your own.

So, I fell alseep, in the arms of my Father, understanding a new piece of His heart. Realizing that sometimes, being strong, means falling down, crawling into His arms, just to cry.

My poor hubby is losing his hair. His dreams of aging and having a full head of white hair, gone. His dreams of growing his hair out, getting a funky fauxhawk, or basically anything and everything, gone.
One stressful day, after a stressful shopping trip, a man came to my door. Hubby and children were still piling out of the car. This man was here campaining for the upcoming election. My pardons (not) to those who think politics are dabomb, but I was in no mood to care about the election, as I had more important things on my mind. This man asked me silly questions about the election, and if I would be voting the following day. In my attempt to show this man that I did care about what he was bringing to my door, I pointed to my husband and said, well he is.
The man then thanked me, and said, oh ok, well I'll go talk to your dad.
Sitting there in shock, and fighting the giggles, I let my kids in the door, and watched the man approach my husband.
I plopped on the couch, wondering what to feel. Should I be insulted that I look so young? Should I be offended that my hubby looks so old? Should I think this is funny? Should I even tell my husband? Upon some thought, I decided to feel bad for my hubby, that was of course after, I updated my facebook status to tell the world my funny story.
So later in the week, I'm at the mall buying MicaBella makeup. The pushy sales lady asks how old I am, I'm assuming, so she can get a better understanding of my lifestyle, and where I'd be sporting my new makeup. I responded, 26.
*insert very animated, loud and annoying "gasps", "no ways", "you're kiddings" etc here*
So I walk away thinking, I've gotta do something about this. I've joked in the past to my hubby about how when we're out in public with our kids, and he's in his work suit, that people probably think he's "doing" the nanny. But it's time to put aside the jokes. This is serious people. This people thinking my husband is my father, or at best, the father of the children I nanny, is just not cool.
So here's my game plan.
I refuse to remove my piercings which make me look young.
I refuse to stop wearing my bunnyhugs, skinny jeans and tshirts which make me look young.
So option is left?
Sigh. As of now, and until all my hair is grown out, I, Nin, the hair dying queen, who has not seen her natural hair color in 16 years, am going to cease dying my hair.
Why?
Because, I love my hubby, and by george, if he's going bald, then he's gonna have a pierced up bunnyhug sporting grey haired woman by his side.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Alphagetti.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
In my kitchen.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
No, I shred Guitar Hero.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Alicia.
5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
1 am, and nevermind.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Somewhere else as in a different city? Or somewhere else as in, on a different street than my entire family, like normal people? Either way, no.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Probably.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Sarah.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I don't spend alot of time thinking and feeling about Dr. Pepper. Should I?
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Yesterday.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Moi. Tina, that means me. See? Told you I could speak francais. Eh?
13. Who was the last person/thing you took a picture of?
Myself in a pink shower cap, and then my sis with a plastic bag on her head. Good times.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Ha, no. Yesterday was REDICK.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
Yes.
16. Are you upset about anything?
I'm usually upset about alot of things all the time, but right now I feel ok.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Some, no. Some, worth dying for.
18. Are you a bad influence?
I can be *blush*
19. Night out or night in?
Both, at the same time.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Clothes, food, shelter...... Or is that not what you meant?
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Totally can't remember. Probably my mom.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
No phone no texts.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
That is the stupidest most loaded question in the history of questions. Moving on.
24. Do you hate anyone right now?
I hate lots of people.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
Messages, from people.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
That depends, if they were testing my body for drug content, or testing my knowledge about drugs.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes, something like, well I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you! (I got the feeling that maybe they were being sarcastic?)
28. What song is stuck in your head?
Weird, I hear nothing.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
No one you dummy, I'm sleeping go away.

How long will take,
how much can I go through....
my heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
and somehow I'll get through
cuz I have You.....

and if I have to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You seeing me through

Oh Lord where are You?
do not forget me here
I cry in silence
can You not see my tears?
When all have left me
and hope has dissapeared
You find me here......

And when I have to crawl
well You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all is You
seeing me through.....

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
YOU HAVE NOT LOST ME.....

And if I had to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You
seeing me through......

-Superchick-

CHOOSE

Losing weight and being healthy is hard.
Being overweight and unhealthy is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

A good marriage is hard. Being selfless, laying down your rights, walking in love is hard.
Divorce, and walking away from your vows is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

Forgiveness, and bearing the pain is hard. Choosing the road of forgiveness is probably the hardest road of all.
Bitterness, and carrying the weight of anger and resentment is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

and finally.....

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now CHOOSE life........
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

The more God unpacks this for me, the more I realized how twisted my view of my heavenly Father has become. Life is hard people! God never said my life would be easy, and He never said He would protect me from pain and hardship, infact, He said just the opposite. But He did say I would never walk it alone, and through His Son, I can do all things, in His strength, and His alone.

I don't believe my God to be sitting in heaven, shaking his head as I fail, rolling His eyes as I get back up again, and critically watching me try again wondering, will she actually do it right this time?

Obviously, I would'nt consciously believe our God to be this way, but through times in my life where those I trusted have stepped out when I needed them, or who have given up on me and written me off as a lost cause, I've often wondered if God would do the same, if I messed up just enough times.

When I would read verses like this one in Deuteronomy, my condemned heart would hear judgement and dissapointment. Like a frustrated parent, throwing their hands up saying, come on! Look! There's death, there's life. Duh! It's not complicated! Choose life already! Why would you choose death? That would be dumb!

But how would a heart that is deeply loved read that?

I've set before blessings and curses, death and life, because I know there will be hard times. I know there will be times where you'll want to take control of your own life, I know this, because I made you! I know there will be times where it seems there is no hope, no point, and in your pain, you will choose death, not because you're stupid, because you're in pain, and your gripping at anything you can to make it stop. In Me my child, is life. In Me my dear child, is life! Choose life. Not because you have to. Not because if you don't, I'll wash my hands of you. Not because you must, but because you CAN. In Me, you CAN!

Not you must, but you can.....

In Him, we CAN choose. Not because of anything in us, but because of everything in Him. This is not God beating us over the head with another command we fall short of, it's Him revealing Himself to His children, reminding us that in Him, we can.

As I wrestle through the pain, and the death I've clung to, He is still with me, waiting, whispering...... "you can choose." As I walk this road before me, He has not abandoned me, He walks it with me, waiting, whispering..... "you can choose."

I was sitting outside one afternoon with God, talking to Him. Feeling stuck in the pit of despair, I cried out, God, I don't know what to do! I don't know what to say!

In that moment, I felt the Lord hold me tight, and whisper, "That's ok. All you have to say is, okay."

I got up, faced my fear of not knowing what was on the other side, and said, okay...... I choose.

Do you see what I see?

I'm 5"4. I don't like considering myself to be a short person, but maybe that's just what short people say.


My husband on the other hand is 6"1. A very obvious 6"1, since he usually finds himself standing next to a non-short, yet non-tall 5"4 wife.


I like feeling short next to Chris. It sounds silly, but it almost feels secure, in knowing my tall hubby hovers over to protect my little frame.


One afternoon, my hubby and I were in our bedroom. He was getting out of his suit from a long days work, and was commenting yet again, on how much he liked our new mirrors from Ikea. He said that our new full length mirror, was the only mirror in the house in which he could see his head. I gasped, and giggled a little, when I responded with, you seriously can't see your head in any of our mirrors? This I had to see.


So I got up on my hubbys back, dipped my head down to his till I was eye level with what he saw. Sure enough, I could not see my head in our bedroom mirror, the bathroom mirror, or the mirror in the front entrance. My hubby showed me how he had to duck in order to do his hair in the morning.


I was amazed, for the first time, I was seeing things through my husbands eyes. I asked him to piggy back me throughout the house, so I could see what else he saw. He took me into the kitchen, where I opened the cupboards and could suddenly see all the things on the top shelves that are normally completely out of my view. He took me past the bakers rack, where I could see into all the baskets on the top shelf without having to bring them down.


It was super neat to see how my hubby could see so many things that I could not, completely naturally.


But not only did I see into the cupboards and baskets, I also saw the thick layer of dust ontop the fridge, on the shelf in the bathroom, and ontop the cabinet in the living room. And here I thought my house was clean....


What would I do without my husband?


Realistically, I would probably be just fine. I would grab a chair to reach the top cupboard, I would continue to pull the baskets down to be able to see it's contents, and I would enjoy being able to see my face in the mirrors without having to duck down.


But what about that dust? Honestly, it never occured to me that people could see that dust, because I could'nt. I knew it was there, and occasionally, I would dust in those hard to reach places, simple because I thought, I was doing something extra. Either way, whether it got dusted or not, I did not base the cleanliness of my house on those dusty places because, they were unseen, which meant, they did not matter.


Now, having walked in the footsteps of my husband, seeing with his eyes, I realize now, that MANY people can see that dust. I would not have discovered that had I not looked through my husbands eyes.


I don't think my husband was made any more special than me, just different. It's not like he's worked hard at making himself that height, in which case I would need to pat him on the back for doing such a good job. He was just made that way.

We're all born with different personalities, different gifts, different strengths. The fact is, we all see things completely differently. My husband and I live in the same house, but we see everything completely different than the other. We have a different view, we have a different perception. When working together, we can cover the top and the bottom. When working apart, we lack the view the other brings.

My husband and I will always see and hear things differently. We will always approach a problem from different angles, and we will always speak two different languages. The key is to take the time to see and hear through eachothers eyes and ears, so we can walk together and lean on eachothers gifts, because in a marriage, his gifts are also for me, and mine are for him.

God has surrounded us all with people whom we need in our lives, just as they need us. We can choose to walk independantly, and grab a chair, or we can choose to lean on one another, and walk together.

I think we could all use a piggyback ride now and then.

Oh you'd better not shout,
you'd better not cry,
you'd better not pout I'm telling you why,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He's making a list,
and checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
He knows if you've been bad or good
SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!


If this is the King we really serve, I say,
He's not worth serving.
It's sad how many of us actually see our savior as a mean old santa, who will punish us if we're bad, and reward us if we're good. None of us can make the cut. NONE.


Who does Jesus say He REALLY is?

Something God said.

My butt is ticklish.
There, I said it.
Weird? I know.
Some people have ticklish feet, sides, necks. Me? I have a ticklish butt. I don't mean the kid of tickles that you can fight, like back tickles, that send shivers up your spine, I mean the ones that make my body flip and flop around, anything to get me away from whoever is tickling me.
As a side note, said tickler touching my butt, is always my husband, just in case you had burning questions.

Moving on, I also have lower back problems. They started for me when I was pregnant with Jonah. After I had her, I remember laying on the floor on my stomach in pain, while my dad rubbed my lower back. He pressed hard on my tail bone, and the noise that came out made my dad jump across the room in fear. No, I didn't fart. My back popped. My dad said he wasn't going to touch my back again, until I saw some sort of doctor or chiropractor to find out what was wrong.

So, 5 years later, many chiropractic appointments later, I get pregnant with my son. The pain started right at conception, and didn't end until his body left mine. Desperate to find answers, I visited doctors, chiropractors, physio therapists, and even acupuncture. No one seemed to know what was wrong or how to fix it. Some said it was my tail bone, some said my sciatic nerve, some, my hip flexers, and some, admitted they had idea, and gave me pain killers.

Shortly after Daniel was born, I booked myself in to see my brother in laws sister who's a massage therapist. I had thrown my back out, and chalked it up to, my typical back problems, that were acting up, still not knowing how or why or what. She worked on my back, and found the problem.
My butt.

Yes, my butt. My glutes were as tight as a rubber band stretched around the earth. She worked on them for an hour, as I layed there gritting through the pain and tears.

After that, she showed me some stretches to do when my glutes get tight, and explained that when my glutes are tight, they pull on my lower back, creating copious amounts of strain in the tail bone area.

Since then, when I get a sore back, from either sitting in a car for a long time, or using my glutes more that usual, I stretch my glutes, and voila, my back feels better.
It's unfortunate that doctors appointments upon doctors appointments later, I finally find the answer in a massage therapist.

My glutes are my problem area. I will always struggle with this. I need to be stretching them everyday, and when they get really bad, I will need to get them manually stretched and worked on. This I can deal with, because I know the problem, and can actually attack it, instead of band-aiding it.

Now this takes me back to my tickles. As I layed there at my massage yesterday, in pain and strain, my bros sister moves to my problem area, and laughs when she hears me giggle and squirm, forgetting that I'm the only one she's ever encountered who has a ticklish butt.
But as always, once she pressed through the tickles, and hit the pain, there was no more laughing. All signs of tickles were gone, and replaced with the real pain underneath it all.

Then, I heard a word from God. I don't remember always being ticklish there. In fact, before Jonah, I don't remember being ticklish there at all. My nervous system is confused, it doesn't know what to do with the pain, so it self protects, and tries to make itself feel good, to mask the pain. Obviously, since the pain is there, and very real, you will always find it if you press through.
This made me think of me. I have pain, lots of it, hidden underneath a confused exterior. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know how to cope, I don't want to face what's really there, so, I hide it, mask it underneath a self protection, that is very hard to penetrate because, my initial reaction is to flip and flop, until I'm removed from the source trying to get to my pain.
I've developed many self protection mechanisms over the years. And for the first time ever, I'm being forced to face them for what they are. Something in place to prevent God from working on my pain.

I don't want to live like this. I want to be free from this pain. Just as I lay on the massage table saying, it's ok, just press harder and it won't tickle, it's ok, you can hurt me, I can take it, it's good pain. I can only say these things because I know it's worth it.
I want to say these things to God, I want him to press through my self protective and confused nervous system, so that I can be free.

So God, if you're listening, I may wake up today feeling ticklish, and I may wake up feeling pain and strain, either way, remind me that,

You've got my back......

and, my butt.

stolen.... thought this would be fun ; )

1. Who are you to me?
2. How Long have we known each other?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Choose a nickname for me and explain why
5. Describe me in one word
6. What reminds you of me?
7. If you could give me a gift, what would it be?
8. Do you think you know me well?
9. When was the last time you saw / talked to me?
10. What was the funniest thing we did together or said to each other?
11. What do we talk about all the time?
12. Do you think we will always be friends?
13. If you had to throw something at me, what would it be?
14. Are you going to write the same note so I can write crazy stuff about you too?

So I'm picking weeds in my front yard, as I await the arrival of my hubby. My duties are coming to a close as I only have a few weeds left. I go for the last weed, and it's covered in sandy muck. I brush it off with my little shovel, and out pour hundreds of thousands of red ants.
EW.
Ok, so it looks like some ants have built a little home in a weed on the edge of our lawn, no biggie, I can deal. Deep breath. I pull the weed, and try not to think of all the little creepy crawlies swarming about. The weed comes out, along with most of the ant house, and I sweep the plethora of little ants onto the road.
Phew, ok, that was gross.
Then I notice, another small little sandy mucky pile in the lawn. Great, more ants.
EW.
I scrape off the sandy muck, and oh my gosh. It's filled with little ant larvae!
EW. EW. EW.
Ok, deep breath, so gross, I want my hubby, ew ew ew, what do I do, deep breath.
Just to clarify, I'm not some sort of freak who can't handle a fly. I used to have a lizard who ate live creepy crawlies all the time, I can hold my own. But for whatever reason, a bunch of little white baby ants, just makes my skin crawl.
So, I dig a huge hole in our lawn, a hole my hubby has yet to see when he gets home. I shovel up all the yuckiness, and go into the back to put it in the garbage. Upon entering the back gate, my son, who caught a huge rainbow beetle in his bug catcher earlier today, had taken the beetle out, put it on his badminton racket, and shoved it in my face as I stand there holding a pile of ant larvae in a shovel.
EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW!
So, I kick Daniel back inside, put the gross disgusting larvae in the garbage, put the gross disgusting beetle back in the stupid container, and call my hubby.
He giggles at my female goodness, and assures me he'll pick up some ant killer on the way home.
I then proceed to cry from all the stress, and say, I feel really stupid and I don't know why I'm crying.
Hubby responds,
I love you.

My blessings for today:



My hubby:
I love him, every part of him. Like hearing him sing, as he belts the wrong words to a song completely off key and sounds rediculous. I love that.
God made us completely perfect for eachother, in every way, even in hard times, we fit.

My sister:
I love her to death. I can talk to her about anything, and she somehow always understands. She loves me with a big sister's heart, I know she's got my back. I'm so thankful to have her in my life, in every season we walk through.

My kids:
My son, who brings joy to anyone around. My daughter who is growing up into the most beautiful girl, inside and out.

My friend Nicole:
Who, as I've been walking through hard times, is the only friend who has not fished for details, but instead has assured me that she's here for me, in whatever way I need her. She cares about me, and hopes that I'm getting support and advice from others, even if that isn't her. I love her tons, and need her so much. I can be real with her, and she can be real with me, and that, is exactly what I need.

Tanya:
Who loves me no matter what, and has an incredible heart for me and my family. She listens and prays and encourages and listens some more and prays and encourages.

My Dad:
Who is real. Could'nt ask for anything better.

Tina:
She loves my friend. She loves those breaky noises. She thinks Paulie Bleaker is great, in chair. Who does whatever she feels like she wants to do GOSH! And loves me in a very special way. I've been blessed to know her, and love talking to her every single day.

Sherry:
Who drinks pina coladas with me, and plants my flowers in peat moss.

and finally....

God:
Who loves me, and those I love, with a love that I could never fully grasp or understand.

What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?

1. What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?

Depends which ex. Some I would have a bucket of water ready, others, a bucket of gas.

2. Your best friend tells you shes's pregnant, what's your reacton?

Thankful it's not me.

3. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?

Last night.

4. What was the last thing you spent money on?

Beef jerky.

5. Do you think you've gained r lost weight this month?

Lost.

6. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?

Crunchy.

7. Someone on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you say?

Not the first time, won't be the last. Moving on...

8. Congratulations! You've just had a son, what's his name?

Daniel.

9. Congratulations! You've just had a daughter, what's her name?

Jonah.

10. What are you craving right now?

Never you mind.

11. What was the last thing you cried about?

I could'nt just pick one.

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cahier to keep it?

Tell them to keep it.

13. What color is your tissue box?

Who cares?

14. Do you have a ceiling fan, and if so, does it have dust on it?

TONS.

15. What is the last voicemail you received about?

Probably Jonah asking if she could play with her cousins.

16. Have you ever blocked someone ojn your friends list before?

Yes.

17. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?

Learning that what you thought mattered doesn't, and what does matter, isn't real.

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?

No, I don't wear a name tag at home.

19. What kind of car do you drive?

Sunfire.

20. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?

Mexi Fries with TONS of hotsauce for each bite.

21. Have you ever had a garage sale?

Yes.

22. What color is your ipod?

I love how it just assumes everyone has one. I don't.

23. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

Lime flavored vodka.

24. Are you happy right now?

I'm numb.

25. Who came over last?

My sis.

26. Do you drink beer?

Yuck. I used to, to be cool, and then I realized, beer isn't cool.

27. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Does telling me I was a mistake count?

28. What is your favorite key on your key chain?

My rainbow one.

29. Wht was the last movie you watched?

I don't even remember. I'm off tv.

30. What is in your pocket?

Lint? Jean fabric?

31. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?

Don't remember, probably through a mutual friend. We went to the school dance together : )

32. Where do you hurt?

My neck, from head banging. Yes, head banging.

33. Has someone ever made you a build a bear?

No. Dumb question.

34. What's something fun you did today?

I met Sherry and my dad at the farmers market, and ate sushi.

35. What is our favorite isle at Walmart?

Clothes/makeup/hairdye/shoes/kitchen stuff.....

36. When is your birthday?

October.

37. Is there anything hanging from your review mirror?

Nope.

38. How many states in the US have you been to?

3.

39. What kind of milk do you drink?

1%, or chocolate.

40. What are you going to do after this?

Kill time until Chris gets home.

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?

Sherry and my dad.

42. What is something you need to go shopping for?

Meh. Probably food.

43. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

I used to, when I changed my name to Laura.

44. What kind of car do your parents drive?

Grand Am.

45. Are you rich?

Far from it.

47. What color is your couch?

One is dark brown, other is green.

48. What famous person do you look like?

Lead singer from Garbage.

49. Does someone like you right now?

I don't know, I don't feel very likable. I do know of a few though ; )

50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?

I would pass.

51. Favorite pop-tart flavor?

Blueberry.

52. Do you know any in jail/prison?

I know people who have been to jail/prison.

53. What are you plans for the weekend?

Surviving.

54. Do you like the color green?

Definately.

55. Who was the last person you sent an instant message to?

Tina.

56. Last restaurant you went to?

Does getting my dad to bring me Mcdonalds count as going to a restaurant?

57. How many hours did you sleep last night?

7.

58. Do you swear at your parents?

Swear AT them? No. Swear in their presence? Yes, I am real.

59. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

I absolutely do.

60. What's the best lessons you've learned in life?

That when life seems overwhelming, you can always still remember, that one day, you will die.

When there's something you really want, fight for it.

Don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems.

And when you've lost hope, think 10 years from now,

and how you'll wish you gave it another shot.

Because the best things in life, they do not come free.

-Meredith Grey-

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life