Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Something God said.

Am I good enough?

I know you'll say yes, but if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought anything less than your full worth in Him, you know that it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't know your worth, there isn't anything anyone can say to change your mind.

I was laying in bed the other night. My husband turned over and whispered, "I love you...."
I layed there, wanting more. A great big gaping hole, completely void of any worth, wanted to know why. Why do you love me, when I don't even know who I am? Please, tell me how you see me, because when I look at myself, I see nothing....

I layed there in silence, wrestling through the thoughts and emotions that were clouding my heart and mind. God met me there. He told me, my child, you do not need hear the answers to your questions from your husband. You need to hear the answer from Me.

So, stubbornly, and annoyed, I said fine. Well God? How do you see me?

Suddenly God gave me this picture, of this little girl in a pink dress. She was dancing around and twirling, running. Completely care free.

Mmmm, nice right? No. Seriously God? I've seen all this before. I've heard all this before. The whole you seeing me as a little girl in a dress running around is not going to penetrate the thick walls that surround my heart! I am incredibly messed up! I feel so lost! I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going!

As I lay there, fighting in silence, God opened my eyes to another piece of His heart for me.

He brought me back to a memory of me as a little girl. I had gone to bible camp, and my mom was there to pick me up to take me home. As I handed her my bags, she asked me why on earth they were so heavy. I was embarssed to tell her, so I told her I didn't know and that we should just quickly get them in the car. She refused to put them in the car, plunked them down on the ground and opened up my bags. Inside each bag, she found pounds and pounds and pounds, of rocks. Rocks. I had filled my bags, with huge rocks! Immediately, my mom said I had to put them back, that it was rediculous to take all these rocks home. I begged her to take the rocks home, and told her I really wanted to decorate my bedroom with all these pretty rocks. Of course, my mom said no, and made me put all the rocks back on the ground, where they belonged. Dissapointed, I put them back.

As I'm remembering this, God gives me a picture, of that same little girl in the pink dress. She's pulling a wagon, overflowing with toys, some broken, some missing pieces, garbage, things that you couldn't even make out what they were, because they'd been broken off the object they came from. To any passerby, this looked like a wagon full of junk, but to this little girl, these were her prized possessions. God assured me that while it may feel like I'm pulling around a bunch of shit, that it's ok. He said it didn't matter to him what I put in my wagon, as long as I let him pull it for me. As I layed there, feeling incredibly messed up, feeling like a big mass of issues, here's this almighty Father saying, He'll pull my crap for me. He said, Nin, no one can possibly understand why you would want to fill your wagon with rocks. It doesn't make any sense! But, I understand. I know these rocks mean something to you, they're precious and sacred, no one gets this, but I do! My child, it doesn't matter what you fill this wagon with. You can fill it with rocks and broken dreams and trash, because I'm big enough to restore and redeem all those things! But Nin.....you have to let me pull it for you. You can't pull it on your own.

So, I fell alseep, in the arms of my Father, understanding a new piece of His heart. Realizing that sometimes, being strong, means falling down, crawling into His arms, just to cry.

6 comments:

  1. Sigh....
    to me, the thing that hits me is....broken dreams, broken hearts....they are precious to me! They were shattered, but that he wants to pull them so he'll REDEEM them? That's the only hope...is that he'll redeem it all....

    i had such a laugh when you told me the story of you packing up those rocks! Love you!

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  2. Wow, Ninette. That was beautiful. As I was reading what you wrote, I felt the tenderness of the Holy Spirit and the sense that God loves you SOOOO much, Ninette. You have a very special place in His heart.

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  3. Nin, just what I needed to read/hear this morning, thanks so much for posting this.

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing this! God is so awesome to share his heart with us and this vision is so fabulous, so thanks for sharing your moments of intimacy. I'm going to think on this one some more. Let it seep in deep.

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  5. I love how the Father speaks to us. How he confirms his words to us. You are loved. He is our Redeemer.
    Hold on to this picture my friend. I hear you about the looking in the mirror thing...I blogged a bit about that. And I relate to wanting to hear more out of our husband's mouth. I finally put up verses of truth around my home to remind me of God's words.

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  6. Oh, how you MUST read Travelling Light by Max Lucado!!!! With all my love to you...

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