Durring the day for the most part I'm able to distract myself from my thoughts and busy myself with the duties of the day. However, at night, there's nothing left to distract me, just a sleeping husband on one side, a sleeping baby on the other, and a sea full of fears, regrets, anger and confusion. I've come to know every intricate detail on my bedroom ceiling in the last few weeks.
However, through the heavy storm clouds, some days I find cracks, where rays of sunshine can peek through. It's those days that remind me that God is not finished with me yet, and that even though it's not over, I will get through, and He will carry me there.
It's so confusing, I'm not sure how all this works, I'm not sure what to think or feel, I'm not sure what sets me half the time. It usually takes me a moment or two, but whenever I blow up over something, I realize that whatever may set me off means nothing, and it's really not what I'm angry about anyway. It's been litterally mind-blowing to see how much anger I can pull out of me, only to find more, and then some.
In my head I know things, but my heart hasn't caught up with what's in my head. I know what God says, I know what He promises and I know who He is. But to be honest, I'm not really seeing God working. I'm finding I have to look back at all the amazing things that I have witnessed God do in the past, as if to remind myself, "I saw that really cool thing come out of that really gross thing, I bet if I stick around, I'll see it again..." I know I will, like I said, in my head I know things.
But God continues to gently remind me that I'm ok, even when it feels like I'm drowning. When we first moved into our house, it was spoken over us that our home would be a place of of peace, that people would come in and sense the peace of God here. My hubby and I took this to heart, and decided to buy those big letters you hang on the wall to spell the word "PEACE" in our living room. After calling litterally every store in the city that sells these letters, I finally found a store that carried them in white, and would'nt you know, they didn't have all the letters we needed to spell our word. They ordered them for us and said it would take a number of weeks. After waiting for what felt like forever, I finally got a phone call a couple of days ago saying they were in. My hubby just hung them up this afternoon.
I find it amazing how God waited until today to place these letters on my wall, which are huge and impossible to ignore by the way. So as I look at this word, I'm reminded right at the time when I need it more than ever, that God still offers me His peace. That He knows where I'm at, even though I don't know which way is up and which way is down. That He is in control of the when, and He stands behind the why. If I'm tired of trying to figure out how to feel and what to think, tired of trying to shake off the enemy's lies and condemnation, tired of putting on a fake smile, and tired of the tears that come when the smile fades....I can rest in knowing that God offers PEACE, even if it's just peace with being with where I'm at, knowing I won't be here forever under this cloud.