Monday, December 11, 2006

This rollercoaster ride is way more intense than I ever thought it would be. It seems that as soon as I think I'm making progress, a get hit with a huge tidal wave that sends be farther behind than I was in the first place. It's like waking up to a dark and heavy cloud hanging above me, with no forecast of sunshine.

Durring the day for the most part I'm able to distract myself from my thoughts and busy myself with the duties of the day. However, at night, there's nothing left to distract me, just a sleeping husband on one side, a sleeping baby on the other, and a sea full of fears, regrets, anger and confusion. I've come to know every intricate detail on my bedroom ceiling in the last few weeks.

However, through the heavy storm clouds, some days I find cracks, where rays of sunshine can peek through. It's those days that remind me that God is not finished with me yet, and that even though it's not over, I will get through, and He will carry me there.

It's so confusing, I'm not sure how all this works, I'm not sure what to think or feel, I'm not sure what sets me half the time. It usually takes me a moment or two, but whenever I blow up over something, I realize that whatever may set me off means nothing, and it's really not what I'm angry about anyway. It's been litterally mind-blowing to see how much anger I can pull out of me, only to find more, and then some.

In my head I know things, but my heart hasn't caught up with what's in my head. I know what God says, I know what He promises and I know who He is. But to be honest, I'm not really seeing God working. I'm finding I have to look back at all the amazing things that I have witnessed God do in the past, as if to remind myself, "I saw that really cool thing come out of that really gross thing, I bet if I stick around, I'll see it again..." I know I will, like I said, in my head I know things.

But God continues to gently remind me that I'm ok, even when it feels like I'm drowning. When we first moved into our house, it was spoken over us that our home would be a place of of peace, that people would come in and sense the peace of God here. My hubby and I took this to heart, and decided to buy those big letters you hang on the wall to spell the word "PEACE" in our living room. After calling litterally every store in the city that sells these letters, I finally found a store that carried them in white, and would'nt you know, they didn't have all the letters we needed to spell our word. They ordered them for us and said it would take a number of weeks. After waiting for what felt like forever, I finally got a phone call a couple of days ago saying they were in. My hubby just hung them up this afternoon.

I find it amazing how God waited until today to place these letters on my wall, which are huge and impossible to ignore by the way. So as I look at this word, I'm reminded right at the time when I need it more than ever, that God still offers me His peace. That He knows where I'm at, even though I don't know which way is up and which way is down. That He is in control of the when, and He stands behind the why. If I'm tired of trying to figure out how to feel and what to think, tired of trying to shake off the enemy's lies and condemnation, tired of putting on a fake smile, and tired of the tears that come when the smile fades....I can rest in knowing that God offers PEACE, even if it's just peace with being with where I'm at, knowing I won't be here forever under this cloud.

12 comments:

  1. For whatever reason your post today made me cry. Thanks so much for sharing your honesty and your struggles. You are an amazing person Nin and an inspiration to many!
    Hope you have a great day!

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  2. awww
    Im glad we got to connect yesterday, although it felt too short. just want you to know that you don't have to apologize for anything - for anger, for sadness, for being real, or whatever. i'm just here no matter what.

    peace my friend.

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  3. There are things I want to speak but can't. I love you as always.

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  4. Beautiful post! Thanks once again for your honesty. Still praying...

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  5. As I read this I was listening to a song by Down Here called Calmer of the Storm, and it seemed really fitting, so I thought I would give the words to you. I know what its like to not really feel like God is working, but keep havin faith!!

    ~When everything is wrong
    The day has passed and nothing's done
    And the whole world seems against me
    When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
    I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

    Teach me, Lord to have faith
    In what you're bringing me will
    Change my life and bring you glory &

    There on the storm I am learning to let go
    Of the will that I so long to control
    There may I be in your arms eternally
    I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

    You rebuke the wind and the waves
    Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
    Cuz I'm a child of little faith
    I feel the wind and forget your grace
    And you say, "Peace, be still."

    There on the storm I am learning to let go
    The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
    And I don't know where I go
    Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
    The mast is gone so throw the anchor
    Should I jump and try to swim to land?

    There on the storm, teach me God to understand
    Of the Will that I just cannot control
    There may I see all you love protecting me
    I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm

    I'm praying for you daily!!!!

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  6. timing--- hummm I have been so impatient in the past. I don't like to wait, yet over the last 2 years and more the Lord has told us to wait. Don't like it, but a scripture I was drawn to recently gives me hope: Ps. 27:13-14.

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  7. timing--- hummm I have been so impatient in the past. I don't like to wait, yet over the last 2 years and more the Lord has told us to wait. Don't like it, but a scripture I was drawn to recently gives me hope: Ps. 27:13-14.

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  8. timing--- hummm I have been so impatient in the past. I don't like to wait, yet over the last 2 years and more the Lord has told us to wait. Don't like it, but a scripture I was drawn to recently gives me hope: Ps. 27:13-14.

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  9. I'm finding that the simplicity of God's love and peace is amazing. It's not hard to find, it's just there, even if it's in those small glimses or cracks in the ceiling. When God shines through, even if it's just a shimmer, it's real, and you can rest in it. cling to it. Just becuase we can't see the whole sun, doesn't mean it's not there, that's what I keep telling myself.

    I love you, exactly where you're at. God even more so. Much will come out of this puzzle that will blow us away......someday, just maybe not today.
    Until then, peace, hope and love....

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  10. I love how God works. He is seldom early but never late with his timing.
    I hear you on how fears run you and then somehow you boil over because of those fears. I am learning I need to trust and give God control. Have you talked to your Dr. about how you are feeling?
    hang in there. May you sense His peace today.

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  11. i honestly don't think that if i would have gone through all you've been through that i could continue seeking God and knowing that He has my best interests. i HOPE i would do it, but i'm not sure if i could. your family is an example of holiness - trusting through the storm. what an awesome testimony.

    p.s. where did you get those letters? i've been trying to find letters like that for a year!

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