Thursday, January 24, 2008

As Is...

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice..."
It's learning lessons like this, over, and over, and over, and over, that make me realize more and more that my perception of God is warped. I think all of us struggle with seeing God as He really is, a God of ultimate love, and ultimate authority. Some of us find ourselves thinking this love is a "get out of His authority free" card, while others might concentrate on the authority so much, that they miss the unconditional love He has for us.
I view myself as a student, and since I was never a good student, and often disspointed my teachers, I often wonder if I dissapoint God when what He's trying to teach me something that is not clicking in my head. I took a chemistry class in grade 10. Once we hit the periodic table unit, I was lost, and no where to be found. All the information was going completely over my head, and I was not retaining any of it. Now I never took school seriously, I was a class cutter, a talker, a note-passer, and a sleeper. Maybe all these facts combined were what compelled my chem teacher to approach me with the recommendation that I drop his class. He notified me that there was no hope of me passing, and that even if I aced my exams, which he had little faith that I would, I still would not squeak by with a 50%. In my immaturity, and excitement for a spare, I dropped the class.
I will never forget that. Instead of tutoring me, or helping me, he gave up on me. Now I'm not saying that this teacher has forever wounded me and has alone caused me this warped view of the God I serve. But it did leave a mark on my life, like many other experiences that told me I'm not good enough for approval and acceptance 'as is'. Like the defect clothes you find on sale racks, some are salvageable, some are not.
So if God was the type to give up on me, I knew He must've already. Some of the things on my list of wrongs were repulsive, and unforgivable. I made the same mistakes over and over, suffered the same conquences over and over, manipulated people into thinking I was a victim of such tragedy, when in reality, I had caused the mess, and perfected the blame game.
When I became a christian, I was amazed beyond what words could explain how much love I felt from my heavenly Father. He forgave me, no questions asked, and transformed me into this woman I had no idea existed beneath all the fear and self doubt. I was enough.
Years go by, life carries on, sin continues and faith grows cold. Where did I lose the love that was so real to me? Why do I think I need to do or be or think or say or act or find something new? Why am I no longer enough 'as is'.
1 Corinthians 15:10 says: "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me—and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles, yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace."
So many times I think I'm not doing it right, I'm not reading the Word enough, I'm not worshiping and praying enough, I'm not fasting enough, and don't even get me started on my character flaws that somedays seem like there's been no improvement since the day I got saved. Why am I not getting it?
So here's the kicker, and tell me if it blows your mind as much as it's still blowing mine,
I DO NOT NEED TO GET IT.
God, am I hearing you right? This can't be right, this can't be biblical. All throughout the new testament, it's full of all these things that are expected of me, how could it be possible that I don't need to get it.
Here's the key word: I.
I don't need to get it, I don't need to get it. There is nothing I could do that would help me get this! Here I am, in chemistry, not getting it, wondering what the heck is going on, and there's nothing I can do, because I just don't understand. I need, NEED the help of my teacher if there is any hope of grasping chemistry! Doing extra assignments, staying late after class, what would that even do if I'm not understanding the assignments, if I'm just sitting in my desk wasting time all by myself, what a pointless thing to do!
The concept of God never leaving or forsaking me is one that is hard for me to grasp, even after seeing all that I have been saved from. Somewhere hiden, there is a lie that tells me that God will one day tell me to drop His class. A lie that says if I do extra work, I might be able to get that 50%. What if there was a way to get 100%? What if there was a way to get 100% without extra work? Now wouldn't that be sweet.
1 Corinthians 15:10 says: "But whatever I am now "AS IS", it is all because God poured out His special favor on me "AS IS"- and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles, yet it was not I but God who was working through me "AS IS" by His grace."
"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice..."
I think I could get this.

8 comments:

  1. Wow, such honesty and truth. Thanks for sharing. You have a gift my dear. My you being real and vulnerable with the lessons Goed is teaching you, you are in return an encouragement to many others.
    God loves you and will never drop you. He knows the cricumstances that change in your life like when you have a kid and there is no routine any more. He understands and yet still loves and waits for us to spend time with Him. It doesn't have to look a certain way. He loves your heart. He loves you because he created you and made you just as you are. You are one special lady to many.

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  2. You have such wisdom beyond your years. I love reading your posts. You always seem to equate everything so eloquently and give such real life examples.
    You are an inspiration.(both you and your sister...thank you!!)

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  3. i feel like i haven't read blogs in ages... it is nice to read your thoughts again. reading about your school experience really resonates with me - cuz i didn't have a great school experience either.. although I had a few teachers who really cared about me - i felt like there weren't any teachers who really took the time to walk me thru stuff. frustrating. anyways, thanks for sharing, and keep sharing all of your revelations on life!

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  4. I can TOTALLY relate. I can go for short periods of time feeling "adequate" for God, but then start to sink, grasping to be better and feeling miserable and doubtful when I can seem to get "better". My husband isn't a Christian, because he doesn't think he is good enough, or ever will be good enough. I keep praying that he will come to this realization, that he is good enough NOW, today, with flaws and sins and imperfections. It is such a mind-blowing moment when you finally see the TRUTH! God bless!

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  5. Wow! Great post...thankyou for your honesty!!! I feel the same way...pretty much all of the time. Thankfully God never gives up on us!!

    Hope all is well!

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  6. I have been thinking a lot about this post as I have wrestled with lies that I will some how fail the missionary assesments we have to do in a few months. I am afraid I will be told I am not good enough. Yet I know that God is so much bigger than these fears.

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  7. wow, i had to read this in two parts. it's long and full. I can't even respond. may God's spirit speak to all of us about being "as is"

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  8. You are a woman of God. I am definitely serious about coffee with you and your sis.
    Hugs!

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