Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Every night I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, asking myself, 'did all this really happen'?
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.

I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.

My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.

You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.

The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.


  1. I am with you on this...I have had the same thoughts about people close to me who have died.....why is it that we wait until after to ask the questions of ourselves...I hope I am learning to be better because I am learning to ask the questions before it's to late and changing the things I recognize in myself that keep me from being the best Mother, Aunt, Wife, Friend, Sister, Daughter....I am praying for you in this are not alone...I admire your courage!

  2. your face said both: love & pain. your face showed us how much you loved Caleb, just the raw emotion of loving someone so much that you didn't even know how to show it. and your face showed pain, the pain of losing someone so close to you so quickly that you are angry, sad, and stunned. and it's all understandable and it's all allowed. you feel what you need to feel. it's ok for this to take time. you are loved by all of us, and protected by Him. He WILL help you process this. I claim that.

  3. Aww Nin. You're a sweetheart, I wish I could be there and give you a big ol hug!

    We're all thinking and praying for your family. It takes time. Feel what you need to, walk through what you need to walk through. Smile, cry, do whatever it takes. God will be there to catch you and to hold you. Take care. (((hugs)))

  4. I am one to say I'm sorry. Because I truly am. I cannot imagine the pain, sadness, loneliness, test of faith that your family is going through. So I offer those words from deep within.
    It's strange how thru the world of blogging this can affect people who don't personally know someone. I was in the shower this afternoon thinking of Sarah and all of you.
    To echo Crystal, I admire your courage and am praying for all of you in this journey!

  5. Death is a tough thing, and you're right - we are not designed for it. However, we are also not designed for life here on Earth. We are designed to live a life of eternity with our Heavenly Father, and the reason why life on Earth makes us so unhappy is because it is not our final resting place. For this, I am thankful. This Earth is so terrible, so painful, so unloving... I just want to be in a place that is MADE of love, that is ruled by LOVE, Heaven. Caleb is a beautiful little man, and I don't doubt that you will all miss him terribly. Lucky for him, he finally gets to be home - in his Father's arms. I pray peace for you today, and every day.

  6. Rest, Nin. Your amazing, and you know it. God created you. I think we all go through thoughts like that in times of pain, but remember you are good enough just as you are. There is nothing more you could have done, and nothing less. What you are, and have done is what God has aloud you to do!

    Rejoice in every circumstance, again I say rejoice. That is so hard for me to say,but it is what I think we all need to learn.

    P.S His arms are warm and open, in you pain and grief crawl there with all your strength. Let him share in your pain, and let the amazing comforter comfort you, my dear sister in Christ.

    P.P.S I have hurt you dearly, so I am sorry(( big hug ))love you lots