Every night I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, asking myself, 'did all this really happen'?
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.
I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.
My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.
You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.
The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.