You wanna piece of me?

Smoochie smoochie

My little model

Smiles... (notice my death grip on my auntie's finger)

Deer caught in the headlights

What? You never seen a big boy in a chair before?

The life of my party

My quote for the day:

No matter how flat the pancake, it always has two sides

With such joy, I'm once again an auntie to a beautiful little girl. Witnessing the birth of little Elishah Caleb was the most beautiful thing, a priveledge I was so honored to have. I realized that I could never be anyones birthing coach. Seeing my sis in all that pain, for two days in a row was difficult for this little sister to watch. Sarah had a rough go, but once her body kicked in it went full force, and Elishah came out right away. She's so beautiful, and her face is all wrinkley like a little pug. I miss her already :)

I am NOT who I am because I do what I do...

I am NOT who I am because I have what I have...

I am NOT who I am because I'm going where I'm going...

I AM WHO I AM BECAUSE I KNOW WHO I KNOW

Slowly but very surely, God has been stripping me of what I do, what I have and where I'm going, and has left me with nothing but His unconditional love. There are many things shouting in my heart, but God wants me to learn silence. There are many things dancing in my head, but God wants me to learn stillness. As an artistic person, this has been difficult for me to learn, but I am learning. So I sign off with the same thing my Father says to me everyday...

just listen...

6 Random Facts...

1. FACT: My lizard died. I am not sad.

2. FACT: I've recently turned into one of those annoying people who yell at the TV when I watch 24.

3. FACT: Our fish jumped out of it's bowl the other night and died on the carpet. I found it the next morning.

4. FACT: I start big projects without thinking them through, then phone my hubby at work to tell him he needs to come home and finish what I've started.

5. FACT: I put a block of cream cheese in the microwave on New Years Eve and the wrapper started on fire.

6. FACT: I can't think of any more facts right now.

But honey....he just ate, maybe you shouldn't bounce him around like that?

Hate to say I told you so.....good job son.

the 6 hour make-over

and that's what I think about that

How about I give you the finger...

And you give me my phone call?

Sometimes you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!

"Grace, we're indivisible. If you can't work late, then I can't work late. And if I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE."

-Frank Cross Scrooged

Everyday is a new slap in the face, a new revelation. It hurts, and certain parts of my face are feeling raw, but God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. (2Corinthians 9:8). I keep being brought back to a place of peace, in knowing that God loves me soooooooo much, that He cares more about my character than my comfort. He sees my potential, and out of love, He is taking me there.

When we step outside of God's grace, and into our own strength, everything around us starts to slowly fall apart. It's subtle, and usually takes a while to realize all that you have been working so hard in building is crumbling before you eyes, and there's nothing you can do to save it. So here I am, standing in whats left of the rubble, having no other place to look but up. Realizing that if I do not tap into God's abounding grace, I CAN'T WORK LATE!

I am ok with being here, I know why I am here. You cannot go with God and remain where you are!! I have been trying to shortcut the desert time, which has led me to cul-de-sacs, which has forced me to revisit lessons you was meant to learn. Here I've been wondering why I fell on my face when my foundation was shaken, because I'm having to relearn baby steps! "If My people would but listen to Me, if Israel would follow My ways, how quickly would I subdue their enemies and turn My hand against their foes!" (Ps. 81:13-14)

I am ready for the storm....

Little one had a playmate today

Hangin'.....Chillin'.....Footloose.....

Buddies...

Whoa girly, don't you think I'm a little old for you?

Chillin'

Shhh....I'm playing

My little one looking all grown up

My son in his 'old-man' PJ's

Stealing a kiss

The season I find myself in these days is that of heavy pruning and character building. It feels like so much is getting cut off that all I'm left with is a big stump. It seems as soon as I think there can't be another thing God could root out in my heart, He does, and it hurts even worse than the last. I'm not sure why God chose to deal with all these things at once. I'm not sure why God chose now to do it. I'm not sure how all these things managed to slip by me, here I thought I was doing alright.

It's amazing yet so completely "duh", how a little step after a little step in the wrong direction can leave you stranded in a foreign place faster than you can dig out your map. How one eye off the target can distract you so quickly, how one thought can manifest into an attitude. I have faith that God will see me through, I have peace in knowing I won't be here forever, and anticipation of the next exciting season that I know is coming, I just don't know when.

I'm in rough shape, and I'm not pretty to look at. My eyes are fixed on the promise that He will carry out the work He has started in me to completion. That He will give me the things I need to be whole, not lacking in anything. I look forward to the day when I can stand on a mountain and see all the beauty and splendor of this valley. Until then, I know He is faithful and I know He is God. I can appreciate this time, because I know what it's for.

"Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, for we know that trials produce perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope."

I was reading a post on Jenny's blog tonight, and some thoughts and feelings stirred up in me that I wanted to share.
I hope and pray that the heart behind this is heard.
Us as women need to stick together!Whether we're big or small, skinny-mini or roley-poley, slim and fit or chunky and out of shape....WE ARE ALL FIGHTING THE SAME BATTLE! To find OUR WORTH in the never ending love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. If it's not weight, it's something else.....jealousy, envy, judgement, pride, low self esteem, vanity..... We all struggle with finding our worth, we all live in the same unhealthy society that tells us what to wear and what to look like.It's not a competition on who is hurting more, the fat person or the skinny one. Having been one of the skinny people all my life, let me put a word in for us. We hurt too. Over weight people don't want people assuming that they sit on the couch all day eating potato chips, skinny people don't want people to assume they don't eat, or that they only eat salad or exlax. Over weight people hate it when skinny people look at them like they're slobs, skinny people hate it when weight people look at them like they're anorexic. There is such a division, lets break it down! We need to be there for eachother! God made us in HIS image, all of us. We are princesses! Royalty! Daughters of the King of Kings! There is no higher calling! The enemy has done an amazing job at putting walls between us, walls of competition, barriers of judgement. Instead of encouraging one another we put stumbling blocks in our road! The perfect image on the billboards and in magazines are a distraction to our goal! Whatever those images may be, looks, money, position... treat them as such, a distraction. Our goal is to become more and more like Jesus, to become more and more close to Him daily, to strive and serve, to see His kingdom come. May us as women come together to break down the walls that society has placed between us, may the categories that we find ourselves in be taken away, and may we be left boundless and free. Bless you, my sisters, my friends. God will complete the good work He has started, He loves us too much to leave us where we are! We have an amazing destiny, we are worthy of His love, He paid the price we couldn't pay.
Jenny, you are doing amazing, you are walking the road at a smooth and steady pace, not falling into a crash diet that will only bring temporary results. You desire change, and in that God has room to move and work in you. You are a blessing!

shhhh.......I'm trying to read

Are you seriously sending me out like this?

Dear God, thank-you for my swing, bless it's batteries and make them strong, amen...

Famous smile of a famous person

My hubby and I at his Christmas party

My sister-in-law came and crashed the party.

My son doing a little advertising for my cousin...

See the cutest one on the very left? Yep, that's mine...

Baby's first mocossins from Kukum

My new best friend.....yummmmmm

Love love love....

Camouflage

update

Have been feeling good since my tidal wave on Sunday.
My daughter's first school Christmas concert is tonight, she sang me the song they're singing, I am soooo excited!
Then she has another Christmas concert at our church tomorrow evening, and we're still working on her lines. It's hard when things like this come up because with her being at her dad's every other weekend, she ends up missing most of the practices. The dress rehersal is tonight, but she'll miss that being at her school pageant. Can we say sheesh?
Saturday is my baby girls birthday, she'll be 6! I can't believe how big she is. It was only a couple of moths ago that I realized how big her hands and feet are. They're not "teeny" anymore, they're.....big. I've thought this for a long time about my younger nephew's hands. Now I look at her hands and think, aw.....your hands are like Noah's. Sniff sniff. I hope the other moms out there know what I'm talking about, and that I don't sound like a complete weirdo.
There is something seriously wrong with my right wrist. At first I thought it was tendinitis, but now I'm not so sure. It's getting worse everyday, and since I'm right-handed, I use it for everything all the time. I need to book an appointment soon.
Anyways, just felt like writting something light and fluffy for a change. I also wanted to let all of you know that I have been unable to leave anyone any comments. I have tried and tried, and blogger is just being a bum so yeah. So when you go into your comment to see what everyone had to say about your post, just pretend that I'm in there saying something cool.

This rollercoaster ride is way more intense than I ever thought it would be. It seems that as soon as I think I'm making progress, a get hit with a huge tidal wave that sends be farther behind than I was in the first place. It's like waking up to a dark and heavy cloud hanging above me, with no forecast of sunshine.

Durring the day for the most part I'm able to distract myself from my thoughts and busy myself with the duties of the day. However, at night, there's nothing left to distract me, just a sleeping husband on one side, a sleeping baby on the other, and a sea full of fears, regrets, anger and confusion. I've come to know every intricate detail on my bedroom ceiling in the last few weeks.

However, through the heavy storm clouds, some days I find cracks, where rays of sunshine can peek through. It's those days that remind me that God is not finished with me yet, and that even though it's not over, I will get through, and He will carry me there.

It's so confusing, I'm not sure how all this works, I'm not sure what to think or feel, I'm not sure what sets me half the time. It usually takes me a moment or two, but whenever I blow up over something, I realize that whatever may set me off means nothing, and it's really not what I'm angry about anyway. It's been litterally mind-blowing to see how much anger I can pull out of me, only to find more, and then some.

In my head I know things, but my heart hasn't caught up with what's in my head. I know what God says, I know what He promises and I know who He is. But to be honest, I'm not really seeing God working. I'm finding I have to look back at all the amazing things that I have witnessed God do in the past, as if to remind myself, "I saw that really cool thing come out of that really gross thing, I bet if I stick around, I'll see it again..." I know I will, like I said, in my head I know things.

But God continues to gently remind me that I'm ok, even when it feels like I'm drowning. When we first moved into our house, it was spoken over us that our home would be a place of of peace, that people would come in and sense the peace of God here. My hubby and I took this to heart, and decided to buy those big letters you hang on the wall to spell the word "PEACE" in our living room. After calling litterally every store in the city that sells these letters, I finally found a store that carried them in white, and would'nt you know, they didn't have all the letters we needed to spell our word. They ordered them for us and said it would take a number of weeks. After waiting for what felt like forever, I finally got a phone call a couple of days ago saying they were in. My hubby just hung them up this afternoon.

I find it amazing how God waited until today to place these letters on my wall, which are huge and impossible to ignore by the way. So as I look at this word, I'm reminded right at the time when I need it more than ever, that God still offers me His peace. That He knows where I'm at, even though I don't know which way is up and which way is down. That He is in control of the when, and He stands behind the why. If I'm tired of trying to figure out how to feel and what to think, tired of trying to shake off the enemy's lies and condemnation, tired of putting on a fake smile, and tired of the tears that come when the smile fades....I can rest in knowing that God offers PEACE, even if it's just peace with being with where I'm at, knowing I won't be here forever under this cloud.

I feel like a schizophrenic with split personalities. Half of me is in a beauitiful place, with family and an amazing new baby. The other half is in a world of chaos, emotions and anger. As if the shock of the loss was not enough, I have now had to endure much unexpected change in some of my relationships. Friends that I once considered to be my closest companions, have drifted away without a trace, and those whom I never expected have been extending their hand, letting me know that I am loved and not forgotten. I appreciate their gestures... thank-you.

Being with my family day in and day out has been greatly needed, although it's come with it's share of choas as well. At times it has felt like the blind leading the blind, or the deaf arguing and yelling. But even so, I need them.

I'm quite malnourished spiritually, but I don't feel hungry. Shortly after my daughter was born, I struggled with anorexia. To those that don't understand the disorder, it makes them wonder how someone could go hungry everyday, desperately wanting food, but ignoring their hunger pains. This isn't how it goes. It's amazing how your body will get used to what you give it, or don't give it. If you withhold food, it will adjust, and eventually stop feeling hungry, and stop desiring food. I'm quite spiritually malnourished, but I don't feel hungry....

It's cooooooooold outside!!!

My word of the day

coming out of my pity party, and that sun looks great

Have been having one rockin' party over here! Sorry if you weren't invited, you missed one heck of a time. Hanging out with me myself and I, snacking on pity with extra anger and a side of guilt. Like I said, one heck of a party...

Had a real good conversation with a friend. It was nice to hear and know that what I'm feeling is totally ok, and that sticking to myself isn't a bad thing. I know that I have good friends, that love me, even if they haven't called. They don't know what to say, and I know that. I know that they are respecting my need for personal space right now, and that they will all be waiting for me when I get back. I know that I am in God's loving hands, and that His mercy is bigger than any of the wrong choices I've made lately. He knows where I'm at, and He still loves me. This has been so refreshing.

My days are getting better, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a little bit brighter. And while there are still things God and I need to trudge through, I know I have a loving family that will walk it with me. We've all been leaning on eachother, not feeling like we have to do or be anything, not having to explain anything because we all already know, and it's ok. For the first time through it all, I'm feeling a sense of anticipation to see the things that God has planned through this unfold.

I'm realizing that this whole thing is bigger than anything I can grasp right now. Holding my first born son cradled in my arms, in the hospital room where my sister's first born son was breathing his last breaths, I know holds more revelation than I can handle. What is God doing?

I'm enjoying my time to myself these days, I know it's exactly what I need. I'm not going to push myself anymore, I'm not going to force myself to do things or go places. I think I'm up for just being. I need my hubby, my daughter and son, my sister and brother, my neices and nephew (wow does that ever feel like a typo), and my parents. Good thing I won't have to walk too far. ;)

a song in my heart

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead

yesterday is a promise that you've broken

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

this is your life, and today is all you've got now

and today is all you'll ever have

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

is it everything you dreamed that it would be

when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

yesterday is a kid in a corner

yesterday is dead and over

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

is it everything you dreamed that it would be

when the world was younger and you had everything to lose....

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

-Switchfoot

this is your life....

So tired of it all, can't keep my eyes open...

Where did everybody go?

Every night I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, asking myself, 'did all this really happen'?
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.

I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.

My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.

You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.

The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.

When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.

When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.

When you are worried.....I will give you hope.

When you are confused.....I will help you cope.

And when you are lost....And can't see the light,

I shall be your beacon.....Shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....

I pledge till the end....

Why you may ask?.....Because you're my child.

Love,

Your Daddy