shhhh.......I'm trying to read

Are you seriously sending me out like this?

Dear God, thank-you for my swing, bless it's batteries and make them strong, amen...

Famous smile of a famous person

My hubby and I at his Christmas party

My sister-in-law came and crashed the party.

My son doing a little advertising for my cousin...

See the cutest one on the very left? Yep, that's mine...

Baby's first mocossins from Kukum

My new best friend.....yummmmmm

Love love love....

Camouflage

update

Have been feeling good since my tidal wave on Sunday.
My daughter's first school Christmas concert is tonight, she sang me the song they're singing, I am soooo excited!
Then she has another Christmas concert at our church tomorrow evening, and we're still working on her lines. It's hard when things like this come up because with her being at her dad's every other weekend, she ends up missing most of the practices. The dress rehersal is tonight, but she'll miss that being at her school pageant. Can we say sheesh?
Saturday is my baby girls birthday, she'll be 6! I can't believe how big she is. It was only a couple of moths ago that I realized how big her hands and feet are. They're not "teeny" anymore, they're.....big. I've thought this for a long time about my younger nephew's hands. Now I look at her hands and think, aw.....your hands are like Noah's. Sniff sniff. I hope the other moms out there know what I'm talking about, and that I don't sound like a complete weirdo.
There is something seriously wrong with my right wrist. At first I thought it was tendinitis, but now I'm not so sure. It's getting worse everyday, and since I'm right-handed, I use it for everything all the time. I need to book an appointment soon.
Anyways, just felt like writting something light and fluffy for a change. I also wanted to let all of you know that I have been unable to leave anyone any comments. I have tried and tried, and blogger is just being a bum so yeah. So when you go into your comment to see what everyone had to say about your post, just pretend that I'm in there saying something cool.

This rollercoaster ride is way more intense than I ever thought it would be. It seems that as soon as I think I'm making progress, a get hit with a huge tidal wave that sends be farther behind than I was in the first place. It's like waking up to a dark and heavy cloud hanging above me, with no forecast of sunshine.

Durring the day for the most part I'm able to distract myself from my thoughts and busy myself with the duties of the day. However, at night, there's nothing left to distract me, just a sleeping husband on one side, a sleeping baby on the other, and a sea full of fears, regrets, anger and confusion. I've come to know every intricate detail on my bedroom ceiling in the last few weeks.

However, through the heavy storm clouds, some days I find cracks, where rays of sunshine can peek through. It's those days that remind me that God is not finished with me yet, and that even though it's not over, I will get through, and He will carry me there.

It's so confusing, I'm not sure how all this works, I'm not sure what to think or feel, I'm not sure what sets me half the time. It usually takes me a moment or two, but whenever I blow up over something, I realize that whatever may set me off means nothing, and it's really not what I'm angry about anyway. It's been litterally mind-blowing to see how much anger I can pull out of me, only to find more, and then some.

In my head I know things, but my heart hasn't caught up with what's in my head. I know what God says, I know what He promises and I know who He is. But to be honest, I'm not really seeing God working. I'm finding I have to look back at all the amazing things that I have witnessed God do in the past, as if to remind myself, "I saw that really cool thing come out of that really gross thing, I bet if I stick around, I'll see it again..." I know I will, like I said, in my head I know things.

But God continues to gently remind me that I'm ok, even when it feels like I'm drowning. When we first moved into our house, it was spoken over us that our home would be a place of of peace, that people would come in and sense the peace of God here. My hubby and I took this to heart, and decided to buy those big letters you hang on the wall to spell the word "PEACE" in our living room. After calling litterally every store in the city that sells these letters, I finally found a store that carried them in white, and would'nt you know, they didn't have all the letters we needed to spell our word. They ordered them for us and said it would take a number of weeks. After waiting for what felt like forever, I finally got a phone call a couple of days ago saying they were in. My hubby just hung them up this afternoon.

I find it amazing how God waited until today to place these letters on my wall, which are huge and impossible to ignore by the way. So as I look at this word, I'm reminded right at the time when I need it more than ever, that God still offers me His peace. That He knows where I'm at, even though I don't know which way is up and which way is down. That He is in control of the when, and He stands behind the why. If I'm tired of trying to figure out how to feel and what to think, tired of trying to shake off the enemy's lies and condemnation, tired of putting on a fake smile, and tired of the tears that come when the smile fades....I can rest in knowing that God offers PEACE, even if it's just peace with being with where I'm at, knowing I won't be here forever under this cloud.

I feel like a schizophrenic with split personalities. Half of me is in a beauitiful place, with family and an amazing new baby. The other half is in a world of chaos, emotions and anger. As if the shock of the loss was not enough, I have now had to endure much unexpected change in some of my relationships. Friends that I once considered to be my closest companions, have drifted away without a trace, and those whom I never expected have been extending their hand, letting me know that I am loved and not forgotten. I appreciate their gestures... thank-you.

Being with my family day in and day out has been greatly needed, although it's come with it's share of choas as well. At times it has felt like the blind leading the blind, or the deaf arguing and yelling. But even so, I need them.

I'm quite malnourished spiritually, but I don't feel hungry. Shortly after my daughter was born, I struggled with anorexia. To those that don't understand the disorder, it makes them wonder how someone could go hungry everyday, desperately wanting food, but ignoring their hunger pains. This isn't how it goes. It's amazing how your body will get used to what you give it, or don't give it. If you withhold food, it will adjust, and eventually stop feeling hungry, and stop desiring food. I'm quite spiritually malnourished, but I don't feel hungry....

It's cooooooooold outside!!!

My word of the day

coming out of my pity party, and that sun looks great

Have been having one rockin' party over here! Sorry if you weren't invited, you missed one heck of a time. Hanging out with me myself and I, snacking on pity with extra anger and a side of guilt. Like I said, one heck of a party...

Had a real good conversation with a friend. It was nice to hear and know that what I'm feeling is totally ok, and that sticking to myself isn't a bad thing. I know that I have good friends, that love me, even if they haven't called. They don't know what to say, and I know that. I know that they are respecting my need for personal space right now, and that they will all be waiting for me when I get back. I know that I am in God's loving hands, and that His mercy is bigger than any of the wrong choices I've made lately. He knows where I'm at, and He still loves me. This has been so refreshing.

My days are getting better, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a little bit brighter. And while there are still things God and I need to trudge through, I know I have a loving family that will walk it with me. We've all been leaning on eachother, not feeling like we have to do or be anything, not having to explain anything because we all already know, and it's ok. For the first time through it all, I'm feeling a sense of anticipation to see the things that God has planned through this unfold.

I'm realizing that this whole thing is bigger than anything I can grasp right now. Holding my first born son cradled in my arms, in the hospital room where my sister's first born son was breathing his last breaths, I know holds more revelation than I can handle. What is God doing?

I'm enjoying my time to myself these days, I know it's exactly what I need. I'm not going to push myself anymore, I'm not going to force myself to do things or go places. I think I'm up for just being. I need my hubby, my daughter and son, my sister and brother, my neices and nephew (wow does that ever feel like a typo), and my parents. Good thing I won't have to walk too far. ;)

a song in my heart

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead

yesterday is a promise that you've broken

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

this is your life, and today is all you've got now

and today is all you'll ever have

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

is it everything you dreamed that it would be

when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?

yesterday is a kid in a corner

yesterday is dead and over

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

are you who you want to be?

this is your life

is it everything you dreamed that it would be

when the world was younger and you had everything to lose....

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

don't close your eyes

-Switchfoot

this is your life....

So tired of it all, can't keep my eyes open...

Where did everybody go?

Every night I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, asking myself, 'did all this really happen'?
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.

I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.

My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.

You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.

The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.

When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.

When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.

When you are worried.....I will give you hope.

When you are confused.....I will help you cope.

And when you are lost....And can't see the light,

I shall be your beacon.....Shining ever so bright.

This is my oath.....

I pledge till the end....

Why you may ask?.....Because you're my child.

Love,

Your Daddy

Precious Caleb...

May your new wings take you to the places you've always dreamed of

We love you

This years Top Ten...

Cutest baby ever...

Biggest belly ever....

Happiest couple ever...

Worst picture ever...

Prettiest little girl ever...

Bestest sisters ever....

Proudest parents ever...

Coolest miracle ever...

Coolest dad ever....

Best mom ever....

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the big two three

(To the tune of Happy Birthday)

Happy birthday to me

I've turned twenty-three

I feel so much older........

Today I very slowly, tired and grumpy rolled out of bed a whoppin' 23. I grumbled down the stairs with a nice glowing frown on my face and made myself some coffee, but not before I spilled the bowl of sugar all over the inside of the cupboard.

I look at my life and my walk, and it doesn't seem to match up with the number. I look at "23" and think, that's it? I'm such a child. It was only 3 years ago that I stepped out of teenagehood, that isn't that far back.

But I am blessed, beyond belief. God has given me more than I ever dreamed, I can not imagine where I would be if He hadn't plucked me out of the hole I was trapped in. He's been reminding me more and more everyday, that I have nothing to get here, it has only been by His grace and mercy. I forget so easily...

Finish up that last line in the song for me, and share in my birthday fun.

Be blessed today

update

There are some things stirring in my heart.... am not sure what God is going to do with it all once I get it, is it just for me? is it to encourage others? It's amazing to know that God loves me too much to leave me stagnant, even when that's exactly how I want to be left. God has blessed my life more than I could possibly describe, but I've been finding my refuge in those blessings. I've gotten myself a little too comfortable, but He's gently nudging me back on track.

Things around here seem to be getting more and more normal each day. I've been doing ok with keeping the house clean, although I'm finding it much more difficult with a baby that feeds every three hours, two 'living rooms' and a whole extra bedroom, but I'm managing. My hubby is such a big help, have no idea what our house would look like if he didn't serve me in that area.

My little girl is loving school. She now takes the bus in the mornings, as her mom is now at ease with her leaving. They've been learning about the seven days of creation in class, and the story of Adam and Eve. It's such a blessing to have her come home and tell me that she learned something new from the word of God, and not the newest kid slang for a cuss word.

Little Daniel is growing and changing everyday. He's awake for two or three periods durring the day, and is sleeping a bit better. He's still up every three hours to feed, but he used to take a while to get back to sleep after a feed, now at least he doesn't lay there grunting and squirming for an hour. My body is very slowly getting used to the fact that I am not able to give it as much sleep. I should be napping durring the day, but I find there's always something else to do. I had a nice nap today, so I'm good for a few days.

My little Faithfulness came over today. She's so smart. I love just watching her little mind at work, watching her think about something. Even when she tests me, I find it so neat, just to see how much she really does know. I hate it when people have the attitude that kids don't know anything. I think they just use it as an excuse for why their kids don't listen to them. "Oh they don't know any better".....they sure do guys!

Well I'm off to bath my CHILDREN. Blessings :)

Let's take it from the top...

On our way to the hospital, already looking forward to my epidural

Dropping the little one off at Kukum and Mushums

This is not fun dude.....

labor........

labor......

labor....

(and an epidural that didn't work)

and voila!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD BUDDY!

and baby makes FOUR!

awwww......

cuddles with big sister

Whoa!!!!!

Napping with Daddy

Bright eyed and bushy tailed

hmmmmm........

On cloud nine

Peace out

Blogrrrrrr!.com

Grrrr.....
After many requests, I've been trying to post some pics for you of the newest member of my family. But stupid Blogger won't let me. So bare with me, they are coming....

Once an addict always an addict....

Hi, I'm Nin, and I'm a coffee-addict.

I'm sad and ashamed to say that I am once again addicted to my drug of choice, caffeine. Doesn't take long for a recovering addict, a few hits of the good stuff for a few days in a row and you're back on the addiction rollercoaster of headaches and daily fatigue. I should've just said no....

I did well throughout the pregnancy. My hubby was gentle in weening me off the juice just prior to getting pregnant. He started by adding a little bit of half-caf to my coffee in the mornings, then eventually it was all half-caf. He then added decaf into my half caf, until eventually it was all decaf, and voila, my body couldn't even tell the difference. I enjoyed a cup of the real stuff here and there as a treat, like most normal people do, but that was where it stayed. But as soon as I was no longer pregnant, and no longer breast-feeding, I went overboard. I have fallen off the wagon. What do I have to show for it all? A splitting headache in the morning that will last all day, that only a shot of the enemy that got me into this mess can conquer. Tylenol is no match for the caffeine headache, any coffee addict can attest to that.

So what do I do? Does my future hold infinite headaches? Grumpy mornings? Sleepy days? Possibly panhandling to support my addiction?

Time will tell.... They say the addict has to hate their sin...

But I love that bean

update

Thank-you all for your many thoughts and prayers! I am happy to say we are all doing very well over here. I feel quite normal again (if I ever was very normal), and it's nice to be able to get out and show the little man off to the world. I forgot how much attention a baby got in public, to the point where sometimes you wonder when the gazing strangers are actually going to move on with whatever they were doing before they started gooing and gaing over your baby. Ok already....take care now, bye bye then. But it's so fun, I love that little something inside of every baby that screams of God's beautiful creation, that draws the world in no matter how big or small they are themselves. Everybody loves babies, it reminds us of our heavenly Father, whether we know Him or not.
My back problem was black and white the day baby was born. It's still a problem, but it's more in the backround than anything. I can lay on my back again, and while I still get up a little sore, it's nothing compared to how it was feeling before. Now that I'm able to move more freely and lay on my back, I'm able to do the excersies my physio therapist gave me way back when.
My daughter has already listed all the things she's been patiently waiting for through out the pregnancy. "Mommy we can bath together now! Mommy you can jump and run now! Mommy we can play hide and seek!" What a precious gem, she has been so good through this whole thing. A lot of kids would be very demanding, maybe jealous or upset with having to miss out on things. But my princess has been so amazing, and she deserves all the blessings of being a big sister.
My hubby has been incredible. I had no idea it would be so hard at first, and have no idea what I would've done without him. I cried many times apologizing that he had to come home from the hospital with two babies. Seeing him serve me in everything, and be completely supportive and nurturing to me, while I have nurtured our son, it has been the most amazing experience. My hubby wasn't even able to be downstairs, that was too far away. I needed him by my side at all times. It's been an amazing to experience this with my husband, to be blessed with a strong marriage, to now see all the things that God desires for those who have children. We're not equipped to go it alone, I see that more than I ever have. I was a "single-mom" with my daughter, but I always had the love and support of my family, my mom stepped in and was a mom for both of us. But there are young girls out there who have no one. When those hormone levels come crashing down and the 'baby blues' surface, how do they make it? Through this pregnancy and postpartum, my husband has probably seen me cry more than everyone else put together in his whole life. Through it all my hubby and I are closer to eachother....I wonder if that's one reason why God sends your emotions on a ride....
Well I'm off to clean the house that has slowly but very surely become a bomb, and to be a mommy to two beautiful CHILDREN. Blessings, God is good!

FINALLY!

Bright and early at 5:25 Tuesday morning, the Lord blessed us with a beautiful little boy!

Baby Daniel David

7lb 3oz

Perfect

Amazing

God blessed me with a very quick labor and delivery. I'm not sure if things could have gone more smoothly (although I wouldn't have minded some pain relief!). Daniel came out as healthy as could be, and was able to lay on my chest right away. He's the cutest thing I've ever seen, and am so proud to be his mom. My husband was able to announce the sex to me, and he did so with great joy. He was the one to name this little one, his first born son, what a blessing that was to wait in anticipation to hear the name that my husband had chosen. It's been an undescribable blessing to be parents of this little man that we created together.

Will post some pics soon. Have wanted to update you all many times in the last week, but have been finding it hard getting into the routine of being a new mom again. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Be blessed, God is good.

Missing a former life...and ready for my new one

I could squat...

I could lean and bend...

I had nice pretty clothes to wear that fit....

I could sit cross legged....

I could dance....

I could paint my toe nails...

I could fit behind my father-in-laws air hockey table, along with other nooks and crannies....

As you can tell, I'm very ready to be done with what has been a very physically trying pregnancy. I'm ready to claim my body back as my own, and stop housing a roomate in a house that is clearly no longer big enough for the two of us. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just not one of those women who love the being pregnant part of motherhood. I think I enjoy my physical freedom too much. Now that my sister is on the preggy boat, she's dropped off all the clothes that I lent her when I grew out of them. I look through the box and marvel at all these little trendy pants that I once wore. I'm getting very excited to look like me again, and do all that I was once able to do. With the light shinning brightly at the end of my tunnel, I will walk with my head up for these last few days, looking forward to all the blessings of bringing a new life into the world and meeting him or her for the first time. So until after the hatching of my little egg, I bid you farewell. Blessings!