look what I did mommy!

This is how I found my son and his little people when I came upstairs. Does it get any better than this?

Was just sifting through some older pictures, feeling sentimental. They grow so fast.

As Is...

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice..."

It's learning lessons like this, over, and over, and over, and over, that make me realize more and more that my perception of God is warped. I think all of us struggle with seeing God as He really is, a God of ultimate love, and ultimate authority. Some of us find ourselves thinking this love is a "get out of His authority free" card, while others might concentrate on the authority so much, that they miss the unconditional love He has for us.

I view myself as a student, and since I was never a good student, and often disspointed my teachers, I often wonder if I dissapoint God when what He's trying to teach me something that is not clicking in my head. I took a chemistry class in grade 10. Once we hit the periodic table unit, I was lost, and no where to be found. All the information was going completely over my head, and I was not retaining any of it. Now I never took school seriously, I was a class cutter, a talker, a note-passer, and a sleeper. Maybe all these facts combined were what compelled my chem teacher to approach me with the recommendation that I drop his class. He notified me that there was no hope of me passing, and that even if I aced my exams, which he had little faith that I would, I still would not squeak by with a 50%. In my immaturity, and excitement for a spare, I dropped the class.

I will never forget that. Instead of tutoring me, or helping me, he gave up on me. Now I'm not saying that this teacher has forever wounded me and has alone caused me this warped view of the God I serve. But it did leave a mark on my life, like many other experiences that told me I'm not good enough for approval and acceptance 'as is'. Like the defect clothes you find on sale racks, some are salvageable, some are not.

So if God was the type to give up on me, I knew He must've already. Some of the things on my list of wrongs were repulsive, and unforgivable. I made the same mistakes over and over, suffered the same conquences over and over, manipulated people into thinking I was a victim of such tragedy, when in reality, I had caused the mess, and perfected the blame game.

When I became a christian, I was amazed beyond what words could explain how much love I felt from my heavenly Father. He forgave me, no questions asked, and transformed me into this woman I had no idea existed beneath all the fear and self doubt. I was enough.

Years go by, life carries on, sin continues and faith grows cold. Where did I lose the love that was so real to me? Why do I think I need to do or be or think or say or act or find something new? Why am I no longer enough 'as is'.

1 Corinthians 15:10 says: "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me—and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles, yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace."

So many times I think I'm not doing it right, I'm not reading the Word enough, I'm not worshiping and praying enough, I'm not fasting enough, and don't even get me started on my character flaws that somedays seem like there's been no improvement since the day I got saved. Why am I not getting it?

So here's the kicker, and tell me if it blows your mind as much as it's still blowing mine,

I DO NOT NEED TO GET IT.

God, am I hearing you right? This can't be right, this can't be biblical. All throughout the new testament, it's full of all these things that are expected of me, how could it be possible that I don't need to get it.

Here's the key word: I.

I don't need to get it, I don't need to get it. There is nothing I could do that would help me get this! Here I am, in chemistry, not getting it, wondering what the heck is going on, and there's nothing I can do, because I just don't understand. I need, NEED the help of my teacher if there is any hope of grasping chemistry! Doing extra assignments, staying late after class, what would that even do if I'm not understanding the assignments, if I'm just sitting in my desk wasting time all by myself, what a pointless thing to do!

The concept of God never leaving or forsaking me is one that is hard for me to grasp, even after seeing all that I have been saved from. Somewhere hiden, there is a lie that tells me that God will one day tell me to drop His class. A lie that says if I do extra work, I might be able to get that 50%. What if there was a way to get 100%? What if there was a way to get 100% without extra work? Now wouldn't that be sweet.

1 Corinthians 15:10 says: "But whatever I am now "AS IS", it is all because God poured out His special favor on me "AS IS"- and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles, yet it was not I but God who was working through me "AS IS" by His grace."

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice..."

I think I could get this.

It's official

My eyelids are brown. Yes, they're brown, even the rim on the bottom of my eye is brown. Thanks to the native blood in my mom, I was cursed, oops, I mean blessed with this indescribable joy. Some ignorant people might say, well that's neat, you never have to put on eyeshadow! Well, ignorant people, so not the case. I need to wear concealer and foundation on my eyelids, just to get them the same color as the rest of my face. If I don't, people approach me and ask one of the following questions:

"Are you tired?"

"Were you beaten up?"

So, as much fun as it is to walk around like I just received a nice beating, I would much rather use the concealer. However, I've been told that regular rubbing of the eyes with your fingers can cause premature wrinkles, and I assume that a couple of times everyday fits under "regular".

So, I'm going to have premature wrinkles, no big deal, I've already prepared my hubby for it. Maybe my premature wrinkles will fit nicely with his receding hairline, we'll look "grown-up" together.

Well to add to the awesomeness of this aging process at 24 years old, I'm going grey too. I noticed my first strip of grey a few years ago. I dye my hair so often that I wasn't able to notice any of it's friends until a couple of days ago, and yes, it has brought it's friends.

.................

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.......

....

..

.

I thought my hubby married a girl,

he likes to think he married a woman,

turns out he married an old lady.

no title, no point

So Christmas is finally over.....

"Are you sure?

Are you really sure?

Remember you were sure before...."

"Nancy, I'm not a doctor, but it's got no pulse, it's not breathing and it's cold as a popsicle. Believe me, honey, whatever he is, he's definitely dead!"

-Harry and the Hendersons-

Phew.

Here was my Christmas in an undetailed nutshell.

21st: daughters birthday party

22nd: xmas at mother in laws

23rd: daughter leaves for her dads

24th: evening with my parents

25th: stopped by sis's, parents, then xmas at father in laws

26th: daughter came home, then xmas at my aunts

27th: family xmas with me hubby and kids

28th: boxing week shopping

29th: boxing week shopping

30th: xmas with my sis and parents

31st: new years at Waskesui with father and law and all the same inlaws I'd seen previously on the 22nd and the 25th. I love them, but.....

1st: officially burnt out, familied out, inlawed out, xmased out, better watch out or I'll act out!

The week that followed was spent getting our messy, disorganized and chaotic home back in order, with a severe migraine thrown in there somewhere, and some failed attempts to get back on track with eating and excersize. All in all, I was so ready to send my daughter off to school, and my hubby off to work on Monday. I love having them around, but I've realized more than ever that I need order structure and routine to survive, let alone thrive.

Through all the distraction, I'm now left pondering what God wanted to show and teach me in the whole thing, because even though I may not have been listening, God was still speaking.

We have our life group tonight, and I am so encourged and excited to see what God wants to do and say. As my hubby and I have been seeking the Lord this week, we feel He's answered our prayer, and has given us the refocus, refilling and faith boost we needed after a crazy busy couple of weeks.

Last night my hubby and I sat at the coffee table playing classic Concentration

made for MS DOS, which I forgot there was such a thing.

del c:\stupid dos\why won't you work.tmp

It was super fun. I kicked butt. Then we played Wheel of Fortune, and the stupid computer named Louise was totally cheating. Stealing money, secretly getting all the answers from Pat....typical computer.

For those of you that made this far, in this dumb post, you win a prize!

One full year of:

My Friendship

(subject to change, some conditions may apply, may be cancelled without notice)

No, I'm not bored. I'm just, productively-challenged.

photo shoot

To Caleb,

My thoughts go to you often lately. I miss you. How are you up there? What's it like? I wonder what your new body is like, and what it would be like to see you run and play.....what does your voice sound like when you're talking to Jesus.....
Christmas came and went and I've thought of you lots. Daniel got a new toy school bus and there's a little man that sits in a wheelchair at the back of the bus. I know it's really you sneaking in to play with your cousin. You would love him and think he's really funny, I bet he would give you good pats on the chest. I'll be sure to tell him all about you as he grows. He got to wear your Winnie the Pooh tie on Christmas day, it was very special, thank you for sharing it with us.
I love you lots and lots, and am happy to know that you are having lots of fun where you are. Please say hi to your other cousin and to great grandpa for me. Is Jacob and silly Jericho up there with you too? If so, give Jericho a dirty look from me.
Merry Christmas Caleb,
Love Auntie Tinette

Merry Christmas

From my crazy family to yours...

moving on...

Baby No!

Baby No!

In other news...

~Not-so-little girls birthday was on Sunday. She's 7! Had a big birthday bash planned with all her little girlfriends from school invited, but got a phone call from her step-mom that morning saying "uh.......she has the flu.......sorry......."

Sigh, so she spent her big day in bed, while I spent the afternoon calling all the little girls mommy's to cancel the party on a couple of hours notice. Poor girl. Luckily it worked for everyone to come on Friday instead, so she will not go unspoiled.

~Not-so-little girls Christmas concert was last night. It was so cute and she did so well! She got to sing a few lines in the microphone with only a selected few, only the good singers were chosen. I cried.....I'm so proud of her.

Merry Christmas!

De-lurking rocks!

Ok people! The time has come! I've checked out my clustrmap and there are plenty of people who need to peek their head out of their lurking shadows and leave me comment! Consider it an early Christmas blessing to me! I would bless me so much to hear from you!

Please comment, I don't bite!

:)

To celebrate the holiday season, a charitable donation in your name has been made to

The Human Fund,

money for people.

The memory of our dear beloved car still lives on in our hearts. We know nothing will ever be able to replace the dark and empty space it's departure has left in us........

.............................

..............

.......

....

..

However,

this new Golf might help!!

Please give a warm welcome to the newest addition to our family, "New Golf".

It's been a whirlwind, and it's all happened so fast. So fast that it almost feels like nothing happened, considering it's the exact same car, only white.

Call us uncreative,

I call us Golf lovers.

farewell old friend...

Last week today, we said good-bye to a dear friend, the Golf, after a tragic and unexpected death on Circle Drive.

The Golf was a beautiful car inside and out, loved by all it's drivers and passengers. It provided warmth on cold days with it's heated seats, and cool fresh air with it's sunroof. It was never a burden to it's owners, and when gas prices sky rocketed it did not break their wallets, instead, it took them all sorts of places on very little money. It will always be remembered for it's loud diesel purring, it's pretty blue interior lights, and it's very high and irreplaceable cost that will continue to be deeply grieved.

It made a home in the hearts of many, and will be sadly missed. We love you Golf,

love,

your family

My Christmas idol and it's worshiper

Oh christmas tree Oh christmas tree

I want so bad to touch you

Oh christmas tree Oh christmas tree

but my mom won't let me

I've been told no, some times before

but I keep coming back for more

Oh christmas tree Oh christmas tree

I want so bad to touch you

lyrics by 'mommy'

Quiz stollen from Christy

1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
Dial Grapefruit -(Me), Axe Kilo -(Hubby), Gerber Grins and Giggles Milk and Honey -(Son), L'oreal Kids Orange Mango -(Daughter)
2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
No.....isn't that a summer thing? Notice the snow outside? ask weird questions much?
3. What would you change about your living room?
Am I only allowed ONE thing? If so, I would want new furniture. If not, I would want new furniture, and I would change the wall color to something a little more neutral, and I would change the painting over the couch, and put a skylight in the ceiling. Does the huge stupid pine tree outside that blocks my view of the street count as part of the living room? If so, that too. If not....well whatever.
4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
Clean
5. What is in your fridge?
Oh my goodness are you serious? I would rather not disclose that information. Let's just say, food, some good, some bad.
6. White or wheat bread?
Whole wheat all the way all the time. I hate white bread. Right now I'm back to W.W. whole wheat, at a whoppin $2.59 a loaf! Where do they get off?
7. What is on top of your refrigerator?
A big bucket of protein mix, a small bucket of carb mix, napkins and a paint brush.
8. What color or design is on your shower curtain?
Big bright and boldly colored squares, like pink, orange, blue, green, and other colors you would think wouldn't match, but so do.
9. How many plants are in your home?
LOL, I'm in Christy's boat. I kill plants, all plants, and yes, even cactus's. Or is it, cacti?
10. Is your bed made right now?
No, if I do make it, it's usually not until a couple of minutes before my hubby gets home.
11. Comet or Soft Scrub?
Both, depending on my mood.
12. Is your closet organized?
Which one? My son's? no. My linen closet? no. My bedroom closet? no. My daughters? kind of....oh sheesh, well my front entrance one is!
13. Can you describe your flashlight?
Again, weird questions much? It's black, and actually I don't even think it's ours, I think my hubby lifted it from my dad.
14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic more at home?
Glass, goblets to be exact.
15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
No, I'm off iced tea, and back to sugar free.
16. If you have garage, is it cluttered?
No garage, no shed, no nothin. I have planters full of weeds, does this answer the question?
17. Curtains or blinds?
Both.
18. How many pillows do you sleep with?
One, but we sleep with two seperate blankets. *To any wives out there sleeping with a blanket hog, please note, two blankets is awesome!*
19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
We leave one on in the living room, we have a night light in the bathroom, in the hall, in my girls room, and in my sons room, and our Christmas lights, which my hubby hasn't turned off for days.
20. How often do you vacuum?
Again, I would rather not disclose this information.
21. Standard toothbrush or electric?
Both.
22. What color is your toothbrush?
Mine is purple and green, and the one I steal from my hubby all the time is blue.
23. Do you have welcome mat on your front porch?
uh, I have a mat, but it doesn't say welcome, it says "go away!" no just kidding.
24. What is in your oven right now?
A whole lot of nothing. Had you asked me this question yesterday around supper time I could've said a chicken roasting away to perfection with some potatoes and carrots soaking up all the yummy chickeness.....and yes it was awesome. I'm cheating aren't I?
25. Is there anything under your bed?
Yes.
26. Chore you hate the most?
LAUNDRY!
27. What retro items are in your home?
My fridge and stove....well maybe not retro, but old and ugly none the less.
28. Do you have separate room you use an an office?
Not yet, but soon enough the extra room downstairs will one day be used as an office.
29. How many mirrors are in your home?
Two in the bathroom, one big one then three other little ones in our room. Yes I'm vain.
30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
We did, but we bought a new emergency couch.
31. What color are your walls?
Green living room, orange bathroom, blue bedroom, pink girls room, yellow boys room, deep purple basement.
32. What does your home smell like right now?
I dunno, who can smell their own house?
33. Favorite candle scent?
Fresh Linen!
34. What kind of pickles are in your refrigerator right now?
Spicy
35. Ever been on your roof?
No way man. But my hubby took my daughter up there when he was putting up the Xmas lights. I was freaked.
36. Do you own a stereo?
I like how in this day and age of buying on credit, and not actually "owning" anything in our home, that this survery actually asks, "do you OWN a stereo". Yes....I own a stereo.
37. How many TV’s do you have?
One
38. How many phones?
3 cordless phones, and one cell phone.
39. Do you have a housekeeper?
No I'm the keeper, but I am not my brother's keeper, for all you good book fans.
40. What style do you decorate in?
I don't know, nice stuff.
41. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
Both, depending on the print.
42. Is there a smoke detector in your home?
Of course.

Well that wasted a good chunk of my morning. Cheers!

Do you know what today is???

A new day, with new mercies, new challenges and new ground to take!

Step by step I'm moving forward, little by little taking ground,

every prayer a powerful weapon, strongholds come tumbling down.

Not by might or power but by His spirit, watch me fly.

*zoom! zoom!*

dirty shoes, adult teeth, and giving up

Have had lots on my mind lately, some good stuff, some not so good stuff, but still feeling encouraged to know that God is good, no matter what.

Son:

Is doing much better, thanks to those of you who lifted him up in your prayers, what a blessing. He's back to his normal self, getting into everything, making messes everywhere he goes, playing with dirty shoes and so-on. His form of play is so pointless, and it's funny to watch him go from thing to thing with no rhyme or reason.

Little Girl:

Is doing awesome in school. Her reading is getting better and better everyday, and it's so cool to watch and help her learn and grow. She lost her very first tooth! and is very excited to see a big-person tooth already coming through! She says that everything she does now will be that much better, because now ladies and gentlemen....she's an adult.

I love her to death and have been blessed to keep my eyes focused on God's vision and purpose for her life and ministry.

Hubby:

The most amazing man I've ever known, am so priveledged to be his one and only. He recently moved offices and is now in a bigger one with more windows, yay for shopping for new office pictures and decor. Walking along side him in this growing process of being life group leaders has been amazing, and I'm excited to see all that God has in store for our marriage as He builds our love and unity.

Me:

Some say it's rules and regulations,

and trying to always be right

no room for mistakes, in the choices we make

only the strong survive.

But it's not about perfect performance

or resolution of will.

It's all about surrender

giving up.....being still

It's only for the weak, for the faint of heart

those driven to their knees, those who live with scars

there's power from beyond, we're certain where it's from

and that's our source of strength.

Before we follow Christ, we need to be advised

it's only for the weak.

He welcomes the worn and weary

All who are wounded by sin

And just as we are, we can fall in His arms

Rest and find shelter in Him

Seems like each day is a battle

With burdens and struggles to face

Only in our losing

Do we really see how much we've gained

-Avalon-

Feeling very weak, and desiring so much to give up my control. With so many things spinning outside of my control, I know I need to choose to rely on Him. Some days I'm pumped with faith, others, completely on my face in discouragement. I thank God for His patience with me.

My Mom:

Please continue to pray for her as the spirit leads you.

Her health is still very poor and her heart still weak.

Please pray for me today.

I am very sick with croup. I'm tired and grumpy, and coughing and stuffy, and snotty and achy. I really want to feel better soon, so I can play toys and giggle and go shopping at my favorite store, Walmart. I was making funny barking noises last night, so my mommy and daddy got me out of bed at 1am, and wrapped me in blankets and towels and took me outside to breath in the cold air. It helped a little bit.

Please say a little prayer for my mommy too. She loves me so much and I can see in her face that it's hard for her to see me like this. I think she might miss playing with me too.

Thank you very much.

Love,

Daniel

Bare Blog...

Things over here....

~Caleb's one year anniverssary since his passing was on Saturday.

~My mom's health has gotten worse, and we're all pressing through feelings of helplessness and doubt. Learning a new way of leaning on Him.

~My hubby and I have been leading our very first Life Group! It has been such a learning and growing experience aleady, and I'm sure we'll continue to be stretched in ways we never thought. We've been blessed with an amazing group of people who make us feel safe and loved.

~I'm struggling to get back on track with eating and excersize, and it seems to be an unhill battle. I made it so far, and walked all the way back to where I started. My sis and I ran the other night, and could only run 6 lamposts (we were up to 35) . Sigh....

...and such is life....

But God is good

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

My amazing hubby let me sleep in a little extra this morning (for which I am extremely grateful as I've come down with a rotten cold), and he's taking me out for dinner and a movie tonight. My most perfect daughter ever wrote me a nice birthday note on our wipe board, and drew me a picture too of me and my birthday cake (but she said she has to finish it when she gets home, cuz I have no arms). My coolest sister is bringing me Taco Time for lunch!! (notice this gets 2 exclamation marks cuz Taco Time is awesome) My father in law gave me tons of shopping money!! (as does this....cuz come on.....it's shopping) And my son....well he's helping (not helping) me fold (toss around the floor) the clean (not anymore) laundry. Thanks son, I love you!

Anyways, I'm blessed, my family is amazing and I love them. I love how much they love me, flaws and all. I'm off to carry on with my day in PEACE and JOY by God's grace.