If I was a season, I’d be Winter. Bitterly cold, but nothing compares to a winters day of staying indoors with cozy slippers and a cup of hot chocolate.

If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a ridiculous abstract painting. Some people would look at me and think, psh, my daughter could paint that, but the true artists would find me amazing and fun.

If I was a country, I'd be Canada. Peaceful, inviting, self-sufficient, doesn't get in over her head, and doesn't pretend to have all the answers.

If I was a food, I'd be hot banana peppers. Fun only in brief spurts for some, but a keeper to the hardcores.

If I was a day, I'd be Friday. Because the trials of the week are almost over, and there's still lots to look forward to.

If I was a color, I'd be black. Because it has all the colors in one, yet doesn't need to flash that around.

If I was a letter, I’d be a letter of encouragement with no return address, just to let you know that I love the crap out of you, but don't necessarily want to hang out.

If I was a book, I'd be a complicated yet simple read, open to many different interpretations.

If I was a political leader, you would not want to vote for me, and I would not be offended.

If I was a drink, I'd be red wine. Bold, dry, classy, and makes you want to eat cheese.

If I was a man, I would be my husband, just so I could know what he really thinks and how he really feels.

If I could know the future, I would plug my ears and close my eyes, because I wouldn't want to know. Something tells me that if I could see it, I would probably run away, Thelma and Louise style.

A smallish update:

Me:
-had an AMAZING first trip with my husband! We experienced many firsts together, and enjoyed each other very very much. I'm so thankful that God kept this trip hidden and protected, until His timing was perfect for us experience this trip together in such a way that made Him smile.
-feels like a fire has been reignited inside me, to seek after things that are real and raw, and to see their beauty, including the beauty within myself.
-missed my kids like CRAZY, and am so glad to be back home and in the role of mommy.
-miss my hubby while he's back at work, since the only time spent apart the whole trip was when one of us was on the potty.

Hub:
-the love of my life....
-back to work, while the sun is shinning and beckoning our skin to soak up its rays.... am trying not to distract him TOO much, by telling him of all the fun in the sun we're having, and how much I wish he was home, with me, in the sun, with a beer, in the hammock, but..... I'm failing miserably, by calling him and messaging him often, telling him all of the above.
-is an amazing MAN....that I am honored to call the man I married for my entire lifetime.

Precious girl:
-cried when we left, cried when we got back. We both ran into each others arms in tears, embracing each other when we were reunited after a long 9 days apart. The only thing missing was sappy background music that would bring tears to the eyes of those watching.
-won't stop telling me how much she missed me, and how she doesn't want to leave ever again, and I can't bring myself to tell her that I can't wait to go on my next trip.
-had a fabulous time with the nanny, eating foods she loves, and being the big helper.
-is home for the long weekend, and am VERY excited to spend it with her.
-is sporting her new Roxy shirt and Sketcher flip flops that we brought back for her with style and attitude, and will definitely be following in her mothers footsteps with a shopping addiction and love of brand name, and, this makes me secretly happy and blush at the same time.

The monkey:
-ran straight to daddy, yelled daddy over and over, and only wanted daddy, and still, only talks about daddy. He loves his daddy.
-spent the day in the sun with me, running through the sprinkler, tanning on the loungers, and eating freezies.
-loves all his new toys, especially his Superman cape.
-has been the cutest thing on the face on the planet and all I want to do is hug him and kiss him and call him George, and am realizing that spending a tiny bit of time away from the monkey, is actually a good thing.
-LOVED the nanny, did SO well, which obviously makes me happy, as I'm already planning our next trip in my head.

The nanny:
-was awesome with the kids, and left a lasting impression on both of them, as well as my family who has been ranting and raving about how awesome she was the whole week.
-cleaned my entire house top to bottom in time for our arrival, complete with a wedding invitation left on our dresser. She's getting married this August, and am crossing my fingers and praying to God that she doesn't get pregnant on her honeymoon, so she can continue to be our nanny for a long time.

To my faithful readers, to my long lost blogger friends, I am still here. I can't count how many times I've sat down to write a post, only to get half way through and delete it. Lots of times I sit down with TONS to say, only to realize, either A: There are things that need to stay guarded, and I have a really hard time being vague, or B: I have no idea what I'm talking about anyway. I hope to push through this writers block, it's definately going to take some discipline, since I've been so absent for so long in this little area of my life.

My ant hill. It's a cozy little nook. Not much room to move around. When I feel like getting away from the chaos of life, well, there's really nowhere to go. It isn't exactly what I had in mind, when I used to dream of my future, but for now, I call it home. Downsizing from a spacious, multi-level home to this ant hill, has come with it's challenges. Some days I feel like packing my bags and hitting the road. But home is home.
Over the last year or so, God has been renovating in my heart. A massive de-junking. Sometimes after cleaning my fridge, I look inside and think, whoa, we have absolutely NO food. What once seemed full to the brim, is now completely bare, with only a few condiments and a jug of milk. It's then that I realize my full fridge, was actually full of old rotten expired, shit.
Looking at my heart, and seeing the dejunking process still continuing, I'm starting to wonder if ANYTHING will be left at the end of the day. If my entire foundation is being ripped up, what IS left?
For now?
Jesus loves me, and Jesus fights for me.
That's it.
That's all.
How long will I carry on with this one little nugget?
Until I get it.
So, with this one, single brick in my foundation, I build my home. It's small, and dirty. But I would rather live in a small little ant hill on a brick that will NEVER break, then a huge house built on a bunch of shit.
And THAT, is all I need to know, until my heavenly Father gives me the next brick.

How Jesus sees more...

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm .......
and said.......
See more... See more... See more... See more
You're not pretty,
you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever.
I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away,
I'd die.

Lord, help me see more.....

My Mother…..

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all those peas are gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand”

And my favorite…..

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

I will fake it until I make it....

I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am forgiven.
I have been rescued.
I will be healed.
I will be MORE than ok.
I will dream again.
I will dream BIG.
I can do this.
I have what it takes....

While I may not believe these things, a stilled small voice in me says these things are not only true, but the ONLY truth in the midst of this chaos. I may have lost hope, but I can still choose to hope for hope itself.

Hope CAN come for me.
Hope WILL come for me.
Hope IS coming for me.

LOST.....

everything is

.

.

.

.

....lost.....

and everything I've LOVED before is

gone

ALONE.

Like the coming of the frost

and a cold winters chill in my stony heart

WHERE WERE YOU?

when all that I've hoped for...

WHERE WERE YOU?

when all that I've dreamed

came crashing down in shambles around me....

...

....

.....

you were on the cross

Pain

could you take away the pain

if I find someone to blame

would it make my life seem easier

oh Lord...

all my friends are asleep

zzzz.....

zzzzz......

and I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

WHERE WERE YOU?

when sin stole my innocence....

WHERE WERE YOU?

when I was .......ashamed

hiding in a life I wish I never made

you were on the cross

my god

MY GOD

all along.........................................

all along......................

you were on the cross

you died for us

all along

all along

you were on the cross

victorious

all along

all along

YOU WERE THERE

in all of my suffering

and YOU WERE THERE

in doubt and in fear

I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear.....

Merry Christmas from my family to yours.

Contrary to popular belief, through my own doing, I am capable of being something other than a scrooge at Christmas.

Here's my traditional point form update of what we've been up to lately:

US:

-Learning more and more about love/respect/forgiveness/leaning/leading/following/growing/honesty/letting go and finally....letting God, than ever before.

-Taking it easy (as much as we can) this Christmas, and enjoying the time we spend together.

-Hubby has a new position, which provides much needed stability, and much more time at home.

-Wife is finally getting back on track with house duties, and finding her way back into the Matrix, but, still carrying the knowledge that comes from being unplugged ; )

DAUGHTER:

-Is now 9.

-Had an amazing birthday party with her little friends at the new Shaw Center pool, complete with TONS of swimming, cupcakes cookies and hot chocolate, and NO presents!!

-Got a Nintendo DS from two wicked awesome parents, who's hearts were deeply touched when she opened it, and cried!

-Is now at her other parents house spending the first half of Christmas vaca with them, enjoying the blessing of having so many people who love her tons.

-Is starting to enter into tweeny convo with me at bedtime, and I'm so blessed to be able to openly and freely talk, share and connect with her in those times.

THE BOY:

-Is the pure definition of Savage Monkey.

-Never sits still.

-Is always into something.

-Is talking up a storm, and guess what, never stops talking, ever.

-Occasionally throws himself into laugh attacks while in bed, with the lights off, all alone.

-Has been doing AMAZING waiting patiently for his "grimace pwesents" that have been wrapped up under the tree for weeks and weeks.

-Loves to help with laundry, and other chores, but becomes bored with them five seconds in and runs away.

-Is the cat's pajamas, and has this magical ability to be the cutest most sweetest thing in the whole wide world, which prevents his own death, most likely by mommy, on the days when she wants to throw him out into the snow.

THE END.

Looking for xmas spirit? You've visited the wrong blog.

Following in my tradition of bringing my anual dose of BAH!HUMBUG to my readers, I thought this year I would sum up in a list of 6 things, the reasons why, I'm a Scrooge at christmas.


1. It's commercialized.

They tell us we need to run around like headless chickens from store to store, spending copious amounts of money on this new things and that new thing, and guess what, we do. We roam around the malls like herds of cattle, doing exactly what we're told. Christmas decorations come out as early as September, flyers full of toys, catalogues specifically devoted to picking out all the new things you want but don't need. Commercials galore full of the latest toy of the week, turn my kids into brainless robots saying, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.


2. It's not even Jesus's birthday.

Jesus was not born in December, not even close, and anyway, the Bible tells us to remember his death, since that's what He came to earth to do. Funny how the commercialism of Easter, the time to actually remember His death and resurection has been overshadowed by the easter bunny and chocolate eggs.


3. People get retarded.

People in malls, people in cars, people on streets, people at work, all retards. For whatever reason we all forget how to walk, how to drive, and how to be normal at christmas. We're all in such a rush and we're all under so much stress, that we stand in line annoyed, annoyed at the person in front of us, annoyed that there aren't more tills open, annoyed that we still have 50 more people to buy for, annoyed that it's cold, annoyed that we're spending so much money, as we stand there and listen to music overhead about joy and peace and goodness. Getting into the spirit of christmas? Please.


4. The spoiled brats of the world come out from under their rocks.

I'm disgusted as I sit around watching adults open gift upon gift, like as if they deserved it, just because it's christmas. One year, I heard someone say, "this year was good, everyone got a pretty good haul." Um, person, you suck, seriously. Some people don't even say thank you! Or they do, but it's forced and ungenuine. Go home.

People are filled with expectation at christmas, and I don't mean the good kind. People expect things, and then they open their presents to find something less than expected, us normal people can see it on their face, and there's nothing more unattractive.



5. People use it to punch in their family time.

But the difference between "us" and "them" is, I like to think family is the kinda thing that punches in the the time card everyday, or once a week, or heck, even once a month. But family members that don't even speak to you (or your kids) at all, then expect all this lovey dovey family stuff at xmas? Psh. Some people think buying my kids gifts once a year will mean they'll have a relationship with them in the future. News flash, not the way it works.


6. My daughter is spoiled.

My daughter has us, my parents, hubbys parents, my sis, my aunt, as well as her other parents, her step moms parents, and her dads parents..... all wanting to bless her. So, with her birthday being just one week before xmas, and her having a birthday party with all her little girlfriends, each with a gift, plus family birthday gifts, plus xmas? Spoiled spoiled spoiled. I hate it. And with 200 brand new gifts, you think she plays with all of them? No. I have to go through her room each year, give a ton of stuff to the Salvation Army, just to make room for 200 more new things to come in. It's retarded.

Obviously, I'm sure not EVERYONE is like this at christmas, I've just never met these people. But hey, it's a big world, I'm sure they exist.

Merry Christmas,

Love, your dear friend,

Scrooge.

Quote of the Day.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her a sperm, she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.

So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Something God said.

Am I good enough?

I know you'll say yes, but if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought anything less than your full worth in Him, you know that it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't know your worth, there isn't anything anyone can say to change your mind.

I was laying in bed the other night. My husband turned over and whispered, "I love you...."

I layed there, wanting more. A great big gaping hole, completely void of any worth, wanted to know why. Why do you love me, when I don't even know who I am? Please, tell me how you see me, because when I look at myself, I see nothing....

I layed there in silence, wrestling through the thoughts and emotions that were clouding my heart and mind. God met me there. He told me, my child, you do not need hear the answers to your questions from your husband. You need to hear the answer from Me.

So, stubbornly, and annoyed, I said fine. Well God? How do you see me?

Suddenly God gave me this picture, of this little girl in a pink dress. She was dancing around and twirling, running. Completely care free.

Mmmm, nice right? No. Seriously God? I've seen all this before. I've heard all this before. The whole you seeing me as a little girl in a dress running around is not going to penetrate the thick walls that surround my heart! I am incredibly messed up! I feel so lost! I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going!

As I lay there, fighting in silence, God opened my eyes to another piece of His heart for me.

He brought me back to a memory of me as a little girl. I had gone to bible camp, and my mom was there to pick me up to take me home. As I handed her my bags, she asked me why on earth they were so heavy. I was embarssed to tell her, so I told her I didn't know and that we should just quickly get them in the car. She refused to put them in the car, plunked them down on the ground and opened up my bags. Inside each bag, she found pounds and pounds and pounds, of rocks. Rocks. I had filled my bags, with huge rocks! Immediately, my mom said I had to put them back, that it was rediculous to take all these rocks home. I begged her to take the rocks home, and told her I really wanted to decorate my bedroom with all these pretty rocks. Of course, my mom said no, and made me put all the rocks back on the ground, where they belonged. Dissapointed, I put them back.

As I'm remembering this, God gives me a picture, of that same little girl in the pink dress. She's pulling a wagon, overflowing with toys, some broken, some missing pieces, garbage, things that you couldn't even make out what they were, because they'd been broken off the object they came from. To any passerby, this looked like a wagon full of junk, but to this little girl, these were her prized possessions. God assured me that while it may feel like I'm pulling around a bunch of shit, that it's ok. He said it didn't matter to him what I put in my wagon, as long as I let him pull it for me. As I layed there, feeling incredibly messed up, feeling like a big mass of issues, here's this almighty Father saying, He'll pull my crap for me. He said, Nin, no one can possibly understand why you would want to fill your wagon with rocks. It doesn't make any sense! But, I understand. I know these rocks mean something to you, they're precious and sacred, no one gets this, but I do! My child, it doesn't matter what you fill this wagon with. You can fill it with rocks and broken dreams and trash, because I'm big enough to restore and redeem all those things! But Nin.....you have to let me pull it for you. You can't pull it on your own.

So, I fell alseep, in the arms of my Father, understanding a new piece of His heart. Realizing that sometimes, being strong, means falling down, crawling into His arms, just to cry.

My poor hubby is losing his hair. His dreams of aging and having a full head of white hair, gone. His dreams of growing his hair out, getting a funky fauxhawk, or basically anything and everything, gone.
One stressful day, after a stressful shopping trip, a man came to my door. Hubby and children were still piling out of the car. This man was here campaining for the upcoming election. My pardons (not) to those who think politics are dabomb, but I was in no mood to care about the election, as I had more important things on my mind. This man asked me silly questions about the election, and if I would be voting the following day. In my attempt to show this man that I did care about what he was bringing to my door, I pointed to my husband and said, well he is.
The man then thanked me, and said, oh ok, well I'll go talk to your dad.
Sitting there in shock, and fighting the giggles, I let my kids in the door, and watched the man approach my husband.
I plopped on the couch, wondering what to feel. Should I be insulted that I look so young? Should I be offended that my hubby looks so old? Should I think this is funny? Should I even tell my husband? Upon some thought, I decided to feel bad for my hubby, that was of course after, I updated my facebook status to tell the world my funny story.
So later in the week, I'm at the mall buying MicaBella makeup. The pushy sales lady asks how old I am, I'm assuming, so she can get a better understanding of my lifestyle, and where I'd be sporting my new makeup. I responded, 26.
*insert very animated, loud and annoying "gasps", "no ways", "you're kiddings" etc here*
So I walk away thinking, I've gotta do something about this. I've joked in the past to my hubby about how when we're out in public with our kids, and he's in his work suit, that people probably think he's "doing" the nanny. But it's time to put aside the jokes. This is serious people. This people thinking my husband is my father, or at best, the father of the children I nanny, is just not cool.
So here's my game plan.
I refuse to remove my piercings which make me look young.
I refuse to stop wearing my bunnyhugs, skinny jeans and tshirts which make me look young.
So option is left?
Sigh. As of now, and until all my hair is grown out, I, Nin, the hair dying queen, who has not seen her natural hair color in 16 years, am going to cease dying my hair.
Why?
Because, I love my hubby, and by george, if he's going bald, then he's gonna have a pierced up bunnyhug sporting grey haired woman by his side.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Alphagetti.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
In my kitchen.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
No, I shred Guitar Hero.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Alicia.
5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
1 am, and nevermind.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Somewhere else as in a different city? Or somewhere else as in, on a different street than my entire family, like normal people? Either way, no.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Probably.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Sarah.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I don't spend alot of time thinking and feeling about Dr. Pepper. Should I?
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Yesterday.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Moi. Tina, that means me. See? Told you I could speak francais. Eh?
13. Who was the last person/thing you took a picture of?
Myself in a pink shower cap, and then my sis with a plastic bag on her head. Good times.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Ha, no. Yesterday was REDICK.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
Yes.
16. Are you upset about anything?
I'm usually upset about alot of things all the time, but right now I feel ok.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Some, no. Some, worth dying for.
18. Are you a bad influence?
I can be *blush*
19. Night out or night in?
Both, at the same time.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Clothes, food, shelter...... Or is that not what you meant?
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Totally can't remember. Probably my mom.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
No phone no texts.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
That is the stupidest most loaded question in the history of questions. Moving on.
24. Do you hate anyone right now?
I hate lots of people.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
Messages, from people.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
That depends, if they were testing my body for drug content, or testing my knowledge about drugs.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes, something like, well I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you! (I got the feeling that maybe they were being sarcastic?)
28. What song is stuck in your head?
Weird, I hear nothing.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
No one you dummy, I'm sleeping go away.

How long will take,
how much can I go through....
my heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
and somehow I'll get through
cuz I have You.....

and if I have to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You seeing me through

Oh Lord where are You?
do not forget me here
I cry in silence
can You not see my tears?
When all have left me
and hope has dissapeared
You find me here......

And when I have to crawl
well You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all is You
seeing me through.....

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
YOU HAVE NOT LOST ME.....

And if I had to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You
seeing me through......

-Superchick-

CHOOSE

Losing weight and being healthy is hard.
Being overweight and unhealthy is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

A good marriage is hard. Being selfless, laying down your rights, walking in love is hard.
Divorce, and walking away from your vows is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

Forgiveness, and bearing the pain is hard. Choosing the road of forgiveness is probably the hardest road of all.
Bitterness, and carrying the weight of anger and resentment is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

and finally.....

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now CHOOSE life........
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

The more God unpacks this for me, the more I realized how twisted my view of my heavenly Father has become. Life is hard people! God never said my life would be easy, and He never said He would protect me from pain and hardship, infact, He said just the opposite. But He did say I would never walk it alone, and through His Son, I can do all things, in His strength, and His alone.

I don't believe my God to be sitting in heaven, shaking his head as I fail, rolling His eyes as I get back up again, and critically watching me try again wondering, will she actually do it right this time?

Obviously, I would'nt consciously believe our God to be this way, but through times in my life where those I trusted have stepped out when I needed them, or who have given up on me and written me off as a lost cause, I've often wondered if God would do the same, if I messed up just enough times.

When I would read verses like this one in Deuteronomy, my condemned heart would hear judgement and dissapointment. Like a frustrated parent, throwing their hands up saying, come on! Look! There's death, there's life. Duh! It's not complicated! Choose life already! Why would you choose death? That would be dumb!

But how would a heart that is deeply loved read that?

I've set before blessings and curses, death and life, because I know there will be hard times. I know there will be times where you'll want to take control of your own life, I know this, because I made you! I know there will be times where it seems there is no hope, no point, and in your pain, you will choose death, not because you're stupid, because you're in pain, and your gripping at anything you can to make it stop. In Me my child, is life. In Me my dear child, is life! Choose life. Not because you have to. Not because if you don't, I'll wash my hands of you. Not because you must, but because you CAN. In Me, you CAN!

Not you must, but you can.....

In Him, we CAN choose. Not because of anything in us, but because of everything in Him. This is not God beating us over the head with another command we fall short of, it's Him revealing Himself to His children, reminding us that in Him, we can.

As I wrestle through the pain, and the death I've clung to, He is still with me, waiting, whispering...... "you can choose." As I walk this road before me, He has not abandoned me, He walks it with me, waiting, whispering..... "you can choose."

I was sitting outside one afternoon with God, talking to Him. Feeling stuck in the pit of despair, I cried out, God, I don't know what to do! I don't know what to say!

In that moment, I felt the Lord hold me tight, and whisper, "That's ok. All you have to say is, okay."

I got up, faced my fear of not knowing what was on the other side, and said, okay...... I choose.

Do you see what I see?

I'm 5"4. I don't like considering myself to be a short person, but maybe that's just what short people say.


My husband on the other hand is 6"1. A very obvious 6"1, since he usually finds himself standing next to a non-short, yet non-tall 5"4 wife.


I like feeling short next to Chris. It sounds silly, but it almost feels secure, in knowing my tall hubby hovers over to protect my little frame.


One afternoon, my hubby and I were in our bedroom. He was getting out of his suit from a long days work, and was commenting yet again, on how much he liked our new mirrors from Ikea. He said that our new full length mirror, was the only mirror in the house in which he could see his head. I gasped, and giggled a little, when I responded with, you seriously can't see your head in any of our mirrors? This I had to see.


So I got up on my hubbys back, dipped my head down to his till I was eye level with what he saw. Sure enough, I could not see my head in our bedroom mirror, the bathroom mirror, or the mirror in the front entrance. My hubby showed me how he had to duck in order to do his hair in the morning.


I was amazed, for the first time, I was seeing things through my husbands eyes. I asked him to piggy back me throughout the house, so I could see what else he saw. He took me into the kitchen, where I opened the cupboards and could suddenly see all the things on the top shelves that are normally completely out of my view. He took me past the bakers rack, where I could see into all the baskets on the top shelf without having to bring them down.


It was super neat to see how my hubby could see so many things that I could not, completely naturally.


But not only did I see into the cupboards and baskets, I also saw the thick layer of dust ontop the fridge, on the shelf in the bathroom, and ontop the cabinet in the living room. And here I thought my house was clean....


What would I do without my husband?


Realistically, I would probably be just fine. I would grab a chair to reach the top cupboard, I would continue to pull the baskets down to be able to see it's contents, and I would enjoy being able to see my face in the mirrors without having to duck down.


But what about that dust? Honestly, it never occured to me that people could see that dust, because I could'nt. I knew it was there, and occasionally, I would dust in those hard to reach places, simple because I thought, I was doing something extra. Either way, whether it got dusted or not, I did not base the cleanliness of my house on those dusty places because, they were unseen, which meant, they did not matter.


Now, having walked in the footsteps of my husband, seeing with his eyes, I realize now, that MANY people can see that dust. I would not have discovered that had I not looked through my husbands eyes.


I don't think my husband was made any more special than me, just different. It's not like he's worked hard at making himself that height, in which case I would need to pat him on the back for doing such a good job. He was just made that way.

We're all born with different personalities, different gifts, different strengths. The fact is, we all see things completely differently. My husband and I live in the same house, but we see everything completely different than the other. We have a different view, we have a different perception. When working together, we can cover the top and the bottom. When working apart, we lack the view the other brings.

My husband and I will always see and hear things differently. We will always approach a problem from different angles, and we will always speak two different languages. The key is to take the time to see and hear through eachothers eyes and ears, so we can walk together and lean on eachothers gifts, because in a marriage, his gifts are also for me, and mine are for him.

God has surrounded us all with people whom we need in our lives, just as they need us. We can choose to walk independantly, and grab a chair, or we can choose to lean on one another, and walk together.

I think we could all use a piggyback ride now and then.

Oh you'd better not shout,
you'd better not cry,
you'd better not pout I'm telling you why,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He's making a list,
and checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
He knows if you've been bad or good
SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!


If this is the King we really serve, I say,
He's not worth serving.
It's sad how many of us actually see our savior as a mean old santa, who will punish us if we're bad, and reward us if we're good. None of us can make the cut. NONE.


Who does Jesus say He REALLY is?

Something God said.

My butt is ticklish.
There, I said it.
Weird? I know.
Some people have ticklish feet, sides, necks. Me? I have a ticklish butt. I don't mean the kid of tickles that you can fight, like back tickles, that send shivers up your spine, I mean the ones that make my body flip and flop around, anything to get me away from whoever is tickling me.
As a side note, said tickler touching my butt, is always my husband, just in case you had burning questions.

Moving on, I also have lower back problems. They started for me when I was pregnant with Jonah. After I had her, I remember laying on the floor on my stomach in pain, while my dad rubbed my lower back. He pressed hard on my tail bone, and the noise that came out made my dad jump across the room in fear. No, I didn't fart. My back popped. My dad said he wasn't going to touch my back again, until I saw some sort of doctor or chiropractor to find out what was wrong.

So, 5 years later, many chiropractic appointments later, I get pregnant with my son. The pain started right at conception, and didn't end until his body left mine. Desperate to find answers, I visited doctors, chiropractors, physio therapists, and even acupuncture. No one seemed to know what was wrong or how to fix it. Some said it was my tail bone, some said my sciatic nerve, some, my hip flexers, and some, admitted they had idea, and gave me pain killers.

Shortly after Daniel was born, I booked myself in to see my brother in laws sister who's a massage therapist. I had thrown my back out, and chalked it up to, my typical back problems, that were acting up, still not knowing how or why or what. She worked on my back, and found the problem.
My butt.

Yes, my butt. My glutes were as tight as a rubber band stretched around the earth. She worked on them for an hour, as I layed there gritting through the pain and tears.

After that, she showed me some stretches to do when my glutes get tight, and explained that when my glutes are tight, they pull on my lower back, creating copious amounts of strain in the tail bone area.

Since then, when I get a sore back, from either sitting in a car for a long time, or using my glutes more that usual, I stretch my glutes, and voila, my back feels better.
It's unfortunate that doctors appointments upon doctors appointments later, I finally find the answer in a massage therapist.

My glutes are my problem area. I will always struggle with this. I need to be stretching them everyday, and when they get really bad, I will need to get them manually stretched and worked on. This I can deal with, because I know the problem, and can actually attack it, instead of band-aiding it.

Now this takes me back to my tickles. As I layed there at my massage yesterday, in pain and strain, my bros sister moves to my problem area, and laughs when she hears me giggle and squirm, forgetting that I'm the only one she's ever encountered who has a ticklish butt.
But as always, once she pressed through the tickles, and hit the pain, there was no more laughing. All signs of tickles were gone, and replaced with the real pain underneath it all.

Then, I heard a word from God. I don't remember always being ticklish there. In fact, before Jonah, I don't remember being ticklish there at all. My nervous system is confused, it doesn't know what to do with the pain, so it self protects, and tries to make itself feel good, to mask the pain. Obviously, since the pain is there, and very real, you will always find it if you press through.
This made me think of me. I have pain, lots of it, hidden underneath a confused exterior. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know how to cope, I don't want to face what's really there, so, I hide it, mask it underneath a self protection, that is very hard to penetrate because, my initial reaction is to flip and flop, until I'm removed from the source trying to get to my pain.
I've developed many self protection mechanisms over the years. And for the first time ever, I'm being forced to face them for what they are. Something in place to prevent God from working on my pain.

I don't want to live like this. I want to be free from this pain. Just as I lay on the massage table saying, it's ok, just press harder and it won't tickle, it's ok, you can hurt me, I can take it, it's good pain. I can only say these things because I know it's worth it.
I want to say these things to God, I want him to press through my self protective and confused nervous system, so that I can be free.

So God, if you're listening, I may wake up today feeling ticklish, and I may wake up feeling pain and strain, either way, remind me that,

You've got my back......

and, my butt.

stolen.... thought this would be fun ; )

1. Who are you to me?
2. How Long have we known each other?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Choose a nickname for me and explain why
5. Describe me in one word
6. What reminds you of me?
7. If you could give me a gift, what would it be?
8. Do you think you know me well?
9. When was the last time you saw / talked to me?
10. What was the funniest thing we did together or said to each other?
11. What do we talk about all the time?
12. Do you think we will always be friends?
13. If you had to throw something at me, what would it be?
14. Are you going to write the same note so I can write crazy stuff about you too?

So I'm picking weeds in my front yard, as I await the arrival of my hubby. My duties are coming to a close as I only have a few weeds left. I go for the last weed, and it's covered in sandy muck. I brush it off with my little shovel, and out pour hundreds of thousands of red ants.
EW.
Ok, so it looks like some ants have built a little home in a weed on the edge of our lawn, no biggie, I can deal. Deep breath. I pull the weed, and try not to think of all the little creepy crawlies swarming about. The weed comes out, along with most of the ant house, and I sweep the plethora of little ants onto the road.
Phew, ok, that was gross.
Then I notice, another small little sandy mucky pile in the lawn. Great, more ants.
EW.
I scrape off the sandy muck, and oh my gosh. It's filled with little ant larvae!
EW. EW. EW.
Ok, deep breath, so gross, I want my hubby, ew ew ew, what do I do, deep breath.
Just to clarify, I'm not some sort of freak who can't handle a fly. I used to have a lizard who ate live creepy crawlies all the time, I can hold my own. But for whatever reason, a bunch of little white baby ants, just makes my skin crawl.
So, I dig a huge hole in our lawn, a hole my hubby has yet to see when he gets home. I shovel up all the yuckiness, and go into the back to put it in the garbage. Upon entering the back gate, my son, who caught a huge rainbow beetle in his bug catcher earlier today, had taken the beetle out, put it on his badminton racket, and shoved it in my face as I stand there holding a pile of ant larvae in a shovel.
EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW!
So, I kick Daniel back inside, put the gross disgusting larvae in the garbage, put the gross disgusting beetle back in the stupid container, and call my hubby.
He giggles at my female goodness, and assures me he'll pick up some ant killer on the way home.
I then proceed to cry from all the stress, and say, I feel really stupid and I don't know why I'm crying.
Hubby responds,
I love you.