Something God said.

My butt is ticklish.
There, I said it.
Weird? I know.
Some people have ticklish feet, sides, necks. Me? I have a ticklish butt. I don't mean the kid of tickles that you can fight, like back tickles, that send shivers up your spine, I mean the ones that make my body flip and flop around, anything to get me away from whoever is tickling me.
As a side note, said tickler touching my butt, is always my husband, just in case you had burning questions.

Moving on, I also have lower back problems. They started for me when I was pregnant with Jonah. After I had her, I remember laying on the floor on my stomach in pain, while my dad rubbed my lower back. He pressed hard on my tail bone, and the noise that came out made my dad jump across the room in fear. No, I didn't fart. My back popped. My dad said he wasn't going to touch my back again, until I saw some sort of doctor or chiropractor to find out what was wrong.

So, 5 years later, many chiropractic appointments later, I get pregnant with my son. The pain started right at conception, and didn't end until his body left mine. Desperate to find answers, I visited doctors, chiropractors, physio therapists, and even acupuncture. No one seemed to know what was wrong or how to fix it. Some said it was my tail bone, some said my sciatic nerve, some, my hip flexers, and some, admitted they had idea, and gave me pain killers.

Shortly after Daniel was born, I booked myself in to see my brother in laws sister who's a massage therapist. I had thrown my back out, and chalked it up to, my typical back problems, that were acting up, still not knowing how or why or what. She worked on my back, and found the problem.
My butt.

Yes, my butt. My glutes were as tight as a rubber band stretched around the earth. She worked on them for an hour, as I layed there gritting through the pain and tears.

After that, she showed me some stretches to do when my glutes get tight, and explained that when my glutes are tight, they pull on my lower back, creating copious amounts of strain in the tail bone area.

Since then, when I get a sore back, from either sitting in a car for a long time, or using my glutes more that usual, I stretch my glutes, and voila, my back feels better.
It's unfortunate that doctors appointments upon doctors appointments later, I finally find the answer in a massage therapist.

My glutes are my problem area. I will always struggle with this. I need to be stretching them everyday, and when they get really bad, I will need to get them manually stretched and worked on. This I can deal with, because I know the problem, and can actually attack it, instead of band-aiding it.

Now this takes me back to my tickles. As I layed there at my massage yesterday, in pain and strain, my bros sister moves to my problem area, and laughs when she hears me giggle and squirm, forgetting that I'm the only one she's ever encountered who has a ticklish butt.
But as always, once she pressed through the tickles, and hit the pain, there was no more laughing. All signs of tickles were gone, and replaced with the real pain underneath it all.

Then, I heard a word from God. I don't remember always being ticklish there. In fact, before Jonah, I don't remember being ticklish there at all. My nervous system is confused, it doesn't know what to do with the pain, so it self protects, and tries to make itself feel good, to mask the pain. Obviously, since the pain is there, and very real, you will always find it if you press through.
This made me think of me. I have pain, lots of it, hidden underneath a confused exterior. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know how to cope, I don't want to face what's really there, so, I hide it, mask it underneath a self protection, that is very hard to penetrate because, my initial reaction is to flip and flop, until I'm removed from the source trying to get to my pain.
I've developed many self protection mechanisms over the years. And for the first time ever, I'm being forced to face them for what they are. Something in place to prevent God from working on my pain.

I don't want to live like this. I want to be free from this pain. Just as I lay on the massage table saying, it's ok, just press harder and it won't tickle, it's ok, you can hurt me, I can take it, it's good pain. I can only say these things because I know it's worth it.
I want to say these things to God, I want him to press through my self protective and confused nervous system, so that I can be free.

So God, if you're listening, I may wake up today feeling ticklish, and I may wake up feeling pain and strain, either way, remind me that,

You've got my back......

and, my butt.

stolen.... thought this would be fun ; )

1. Who are you to me?
2. How Long have we known each other?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Choose a nickname for me and explain why
5. Describe me in one word
6. What reminds you of me?
7. If you could give me a gift, what would it be?
8. Do you think you know me well?
9. When was the last time you saw / talked to me?
10. What was the funniest thing we did together or said to each other?
11. What do we talk about all the time?
12. Do you think we will always be friends?
13. If you had to throw something at me, what would it be?
14. Are you going to write the same note so I can write crazy stuff about you too?

So I'm picking weeds in my front yard, as I await the arrival of my hubby. My duties are coming to a close as I only have a few weeds left. I go for the last weed, and it's covered in sandy muck. I brush it off with my little shovel, and out pour hundreds of thousands of red ants.
EW.
Ok, so it looks like some ants have built a little home in a weed on the edge of our lawn, no biggie, I can deal. Deep breath. I pull the weed, and try not to think of all the little creepy crawlies swarming about. The weed comes out, along with most of the ant house, and I sweep the plethora of little ants onto the road.
Phew, ok, that was gross.
Then I notice, another small little sandy mucky pile in the lawn. Great, more ants.
EW.
I scrape off the sandy muck, and oh my gosh. It's filled with little ant larvae!
EW. EW. EW.
Ok, deep breath, so gross, I want my hubby, ew ew ew, what do I do, deep breath.
Just to clarify, I'm not some sort of freak who can't handle a fly. I used to have a lizard who ate live creepy crawlies all the time, I can hold my own. But for whatever reason, a bunch of little white baby ants, just makes my skin crawl.
So, I dig a huge hole in our lawn, a hole my hubby has yet to see when he gets home. I shovel up all the yuckiness, and go into the back to put it in the garbage. Upon entering the back gate, my son, who caught a huge rainbow beetle in his bug catcher earlier today, had taken the beetle out, put it on his badminton racket, and shoved it in my face as I stand there holding a pile of ant larvae in a shovel.
EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW!
So, I kick Daniel back inside, put the gross disgusting larvae in the garbage, put the gross disgusting beetle back in the stupid container, and call my hubby.
He giggles at my female goodness, and assures me he'll pick up some ant killer on the way home.
I then proceed to cry from all the stress, and say, I feel really stupid and I don't know why I'm crying.
Hubby responds,
I love you.