It's cooooooooold outside!!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
coming out of my pity party, and that sun looks great
Have been having one rockin' party over here! Sorry if you weren't invited, you missed one heck of a time. Hanging out with me myself and I, snacking on pity with extra anger and a side of guilt. Like I said, one heck of a party...
Had a real good conversation with a friend. It was nice to hear and know that what I'm feeling is totally ok, and that sticking to myself isn't a bad thing. I know that I have good friends, that love me, even if they haven't called. They don't know what to say, and I know that. I know that they are respecting my need for personal space right now, and that they will all be waiting for me when I get back. I know that I am in God's loving hands, and that His mercy is bigger than any of the wrong choices I've made lately. He knows where I'm at, and He still loves me. This has been so refreshing.
My days are getting better, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a little bit brighter. And while there are still things God and I need to trudge through, I know I have a loving family that will walk it with me. We've all been leaning on eachother, not feeling like we have to do or be anything, not having to explain anything because we all already know, and it's ok. For the first time through it all, I'm feeling a sense of anticipation to see the things that God has planned through this unfold.
I'm realizing that this whole thing is bigger than anything I can grasp right now. Holding my first born son cradled in my arms, in the hospital room where my sister's first born son was breathing his last breaths, I know holds more revelation than I can handle. What is God doing?
I'm enjoying my time to myself these days, I know it's exactly what I need. I'm not going to push myself anymore, I'm not going to force myself to do things or go places. I think I'm up for just being. I need my hubby, my daughter and son, my sister and brother, my neices and nephew (wow does that ever feel like a typo), and my parents. Good thing I won't have to walk too far. ;)
Had a real good conversation with a friend. It was nice to hear and know that what I'm feeling is totally ok, and that sticking to myself isn't a bad thing. I know that I have good friends, that love me, even if they haven't called. They don't know what to say, and I know that. I know that they are respecting my need for personal space right now, and that they will all be waiting for me when I get back. I know that I am in God's loving hands, and that His mercy is bigger than any of the wrong choices I've made lately. He knows where I'm at, and He still loves me. This has been so refreshing.
My days are getting better, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a little bit brighter. And while there are still things God and I need to trudge through, I know I have a loving family that will walk it with me. We've all been leaning on eachother, not feeling like we have to do or be anything, not having to explain anything because we all already know, and it's ok. For the first time through it all, I'm feeling a sense of anticipation to see the things that God has planned through this unfold.
I'm realizing that this whole thing is bigger than anything I can grasp right now. Holding my first born son cradled in my arms, in the hospital room where my sister's first born son was breathing his last breaths, I know holds more revelation than I can handle. What is God doing?
I'm enjoying my time to myself these days, I know it's exactly what I need. I'm not going to push myself anymore, I'm not going to force myself to do things or go places. I think I'm up for just being. I need my hubby, my daughter and son, my sister and brother, my neices and nephew (wow does that ever feel like a typo), and my parents. Good thing I won't have to walk too far. ;)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
a song in my heart
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, and today is all you've got now
and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?
yesterday is a kid in a corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
are you who you want to be?
this is your life
is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose....
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
-Switchfoot
this is your life....
So tired of it all, can't keep my eyes open...
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Every night I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, asking myself, 'did all this really happen'?
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.
I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.
My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.
You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.
The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.
It still feels like a dream, to most of us I'm sure. Looking back at the last few weeks, and looking at life now, how it's continued on it's own, how the world has kept on spinning, it all feels very weird.
I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed feelings, that God needs to walk me through. One minute thinking I'm feeling too much, the other minute thinking I'm not feeling enough. Looking at some people and wondering, maybe I should be feeling that way.
My grandpa died when I was in grade ten, I was 15. I can remember viewing his body and thinking, 'that doesn't look anything like my grandpa'. The funeral people put make up on his face, and made him look like someone else. I cried, and placed a little note from myself into his suit pocket. I struggled with a lot of feelings of guilt. He had a lot of trouble hearing when he was alive, you had to basically yell at him if he was going to hear you. Sometimes I would talk to him and he would nod, but I knew he couldn't hear me, and was just tired of asking me to repeat myself. When he died, all I kept thinking was, "I could've talked louder, I should've talked louder". It's amazing what a shmuck your mind will make you out to be when someone dies.
You always think you have more time. More time to be that aunt you always knew was in you, but was burried beneath selfishness. More time to be the mom you know you can be, the wife you know your husband deserves, the daughter every parent is proud of, the christian you so want to be. I thought I'd have more time, but as it turned out, I didn't.
The fact is, we were not designed for death. We were designed to commune with God in the garden of eden where there was no death or disease. This is all completely unnatural for us. I need to remember that when I get annoyed at all the funny looks I get from people, and the I'm sorry's. What are you sorry for? What did you do? I wonder what people are thinking, because I think the same things when I'm around someone who's lost someone. You try and figure out how they might be doing based on their facial expressions, based on what they're doing. Are they crying? Are they laughing? I wonder what my face says.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.
When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused.....I will help you cope.
And when you are lost....And can't see the light,
I shall be your beacon.....Shining ever so bright.
This is my oath.....
I pledge till the end....
Why you may ask?.....Because you're my child.
Love,
Your Daddy
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