Faithful obedience to God is vital, but it is not all God draws us to. It is not sufficient for our healing, no more than doing the laundry is sufficient for our marriage. And it will not be enough in the long run to carry us through. The persecuted church is vast today. More Christians are being martyred in our lifetime than in any other time in church history. It is not obedience that is carrying our brothers and sisters - unwavering, steadfast, eye ablaze - to their deaths. It is holy, fierce passion. Hearts afire.
For the root of all holiness is Romance.

(blurb from "Captivating")

Driving for Dummies.

Hello and welcome to driving for dummies. My name Mrs. Nin and I'll be your instructor.
Driving for dummies is a beginner driver course, although, not limited to beginner drivers. Oddly enough, there are people on the road who've been driving for years and still do not understand these simple concepts.

Please take a moment to examine this sign....

Once you've had a good look, examine the following one....

The first thing you probably noticed, is that the two signs are not the same. Yes, you're correct, they are different. Good work people!
The first sign is a merging sign, meaning, you will be merging into and along with traffic.
The second sign if you'll notice the dotted line, is actually preparing you for your very own added lane. Yes people, your very own lane!
Now, let's say it together,
Merging........Own lane. Merrrrrging. OWN lane.
Very good.
Now the key to following these signs, is to first, read them. When you pull up to a right hand turning lane, watch the signs. If you see the second added lane sign, well by golly, don't hesitate to drive into it.
Would it help if you knew that lane was there just for you? It's true! No need to slow down to the speed of a snail, and definitely no need to stop. Heavens please, no stopping. The sign was placed there so that you know NOT to stop.
I know that realizing these things after years of driving, and years upon years of stopping and holding up traffic while other people sit and wait for you to "merge" when there isn't actually any merging involved since you have your own lane and all, not to mention years of driving and never really understanding road signs, can be a bit of a blow to the pride. But don't worry, there's no judging here. This is a safe place. And hey, we all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them, and for the love of pete stop stopping and holding up traffic at an added lane turn.

This concludes our driving for dummies. Thank you, and please help yourself to some refreshments on the back table before you go.

A song that blesesd me today.

"Will Not Be Moved"

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

tidbits at random in no particular order....

I heart dancing, especially at gay clubs, where I don't get hit on.

I hate it when people wait to merge, when they have their own lane to pull into. Hello, read the sign.

I don't do telephone surveys, ever. Ever.

I hang up on telemarketers before they have a chance to speak.

I'm addicted to 90210 and all it's drama, and I often watch it with my mouth open.

I like chips. No. I LOVE chips. But not weird kinds.

I had a dream the other night that I was washing my kitchen floor, with bleach, and a scrubbie. Yes, even in dream land, I'm cleaning.

I heart P!nk, and all her feministic goodness.

I secretly judge people's parallel parking.

I will start to crave chocolate milk if I haven't had it in a long time. A long time being a few days.

I am getting antsy to set up my amazingly perfect Christmas idol so that I can sit on my couch and worship it's amazing perfection.

I was once told my Christmas tree looks like a Sears display tree, which was intended as a insult, but it was one of the best compliments I'd ever received.

I've grown to be picky of where I'll go out to eat, and feel like a bit of a snob.

Sometimes I doodle my name just like the symbol for the band nine inch nails complete with the square around the NIN and the backwards N, even though I don't like nine inch nails.

I've recently come to love writing angry songs, even when I'm not feeling angry, and I'm loving the freedom of not being in the writing box I put myself in anymore.

I'm sick of my hair to no end, again.

Walking, running, sitting, standing, and fighting through this road life has led me to in this last year has been nothing short of hard, confusing, and all kinds of ridiculous. I've made many mistakes along the way, and have experienced many victories as well.
I heard it said just a few days ago, spoken to me by someone who's walked very closely with me through the trials, that there really isn't a right or wrong way to walk this road. My black and white brain finds that difficult to grasp, as there must be a right way, and wrong way, right?
But the more I pick apart what the heart of this message is, the more I realize the truth in it. I'm a human, and I will make mistakes, but as long as I'm headed, or at least, pointed in the right direction, then I'm ok. I am OKAY.
When my head is swimming in lies and accusations, and when the outside world knowingly or unknowingly attacks me to my very core, I get confused. Am I really ok? If the answer to this question is, am I pointed and walking in the right direction, then I can say in confidence, that yes, I am just fine.
Walking with my counselor, she reminds me that there is no one on this earth like me. That can be hard for me to wrap my head around, because there are tons of people like me. Tons of people like to dye their hair until the cows come home, tons of people love tattoos, piercings, fashion. Many people out there have a song writing ability, have two kids, have a husband. And heck let's me honest, do you know how many people drive a Sunfire? :P
It's such a freeing thought, and a big sigh of relief, that these things aren't what make me ME. These things actually have nothing to do with who I am inside. When I feel attacked in who I am as a woman, a wife, a mother, a human being wrestling with life, love and other mysteries, there is a truth I can fall back on that makes it all just fine. Who I am in Christ, can not be shaken.
I understand now, why I fell apart. I understand now why I shattered. I understand that me breaking apart into a million little pieces, actually had nothing to do with what has happened on the outside. I understand that my house was not built on the rock.
While I may not fully be there yet, I know without a doubt, that I am pointed in the direction of building my house on the rock. I choose to believe (although, I may not always feel that choice), that if the world fell apart around me right now, that I would be ok. I choose to believe that if everything I've come to believe about the world around me turned it's back on me, that I would be ok. I've realized that my expectations have been in the wrong place. People will hurt me, people will harm me. Do I have rights? Yes. I have the right to respond in love, and I have the right to walk away in that love. My expectations for love and respect are too high, and will not be met.
But, expecting that God will come through, that God will restore and set free, that God will heal and finish what He's started, these are expectations I can have.
In anticipation, I wait...

Just a few things I've learned recently:

-Deep fryers are pure evil.

-Laundry isn't as hard as it tells me it is.

-Tattoos get very itchy.

-Certain acne medications can clear up your acne, and then give you loads full in other places where you had none.

-Just because I find a white speck in my hair, does not mean I have lice.

-Living in a constant state of fear of lice, is not beneficial.

-The people that annoy you the most, are usually just like you used to be.

-Saying the word shit accomplishes nothing, but sometimes makes me feel better.

-Most lies are half true.

-Popping 4 codeine pills will make me feel stoned.

-Popping 2 codeine pills is smarter.

-If you eat too many sour cream and cheddar chips, they will start to taste funny.

-Depending on where you're at in life, and where they're at in life, some people have NO idea what you're talking about.

-We Canadians say EH, an awful lot.

Houseflies.

Pesky little buggers, that many of us have grown to deal with as a regular and normal part of life. Except me of course.

Did you know that flies cannot eat solid food? They need to consume their food in liquid form. So, when a fly lands on your food, which is most likely in solid form, it will actually vomit on your food, to break down and soften your food in order to eat it.

Me? I'm not a huge fan of vomit. Kid vomit, adult vomit, bug vomit, vomit is vomit. I mean, I'm sorry to be a pain, but vomit, just really isn't my cup of tea. I would much rather eat my food in peace, without there being microscopic fly vomit on it. But hey, that's just me.

God has a funny way of using the strangest things to speak to me through, and most recently, He decided to use a fly.

I was in a counseling meeting last Saturday morning. I was finally sharing some things that had been bubbling up to the surface, that hadn't been shared or spoken of in years, and years, and years. It was a very hard meeting. Facing some of those things was very hard, and very painful, but in the end, there was only one thing I could do to move on, and that was to forgive myself.

During the first half of our meeting, there was a fly, stuck between the window pane and the screen. The window had been left open just enough for him to find his way in, but not quite enough for him to find his way out. For over a half an hour, this fly buzzed and buzzed, only to hit the window over and over. At times he would take a break to rest, only to start up again after a few minutes to try again. My counselor finally at one point, got up to let this loud, noisy and obnoxious fly out.

In that moment I smiled. I smiled because God poured out an amazing picture. I smiled because just like me, that fly did not want to be stuck in that window, and he wasn't choosing to bang his head on the same wall over and over. To him, he couldn't understand why he could see this magical world outside, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't reach it. I smiled because my counselor thought to let him out, and I smiled because even when she opened the window, the fly still didn't fly out. She had to blow him in the right direction, but with that little push, that fly was free. I smiled because in that moment, I felt free.

It made me think of most of the time, I'm my own worst enemy. When I bang my head on the same wall over and over, and beat myself up for not getting something that seems so simple, when in reality, when you're stuck between a screen and a window pane, life is anything but simple, in fact, everything is complicated, and everything is overwhelmingly hard. It made me think about how Jesus has unlocked the doors for me, and how it's my choice to walk through them, but in the times where I'm tired and weary from being stuck for so long, He never ever gets frustrated, instead, He finds ways or people to help blow in the right direction.

I smiled because in that moment, God made things incredibly simple. His love, is incredibly simple. In the times when I'm complex, complicated, confused and overwhelmed, His love for me is still, incredibly simple.

I will still kill my houseflies as soon as they enter my home. I will still be disgusted with them vomiting on my food, to the point of being ridiculously anal as I tend to be. But I think, that maybe.............I'll still smile.