Livin Forgiven

Quote of the Day.

2009-11-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her a sperm, she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.

So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Something God said.

2009-11-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

Am I good enough?

I know you'll say yes, but if you've ever looked in the mirror and thought anything less than your full worth in Him, you know that it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't know your worth, there isn't anything anyone can say to change your mind.

I was laying in bed the other night. My husband turned over and whispered, "I love you...."

I layed there, wanting more. A great big gaping hole, completely void of any worth, wanted to know why. Why do you love me, when I don't even know who I am? Please, tell me how you see me, because when I look at myself, I see nothing....

I layed there in silence, wrestling through the thoughts and emotions that were clouding my heart and mind. God met me there. He told me, my child, you do not need hear the answers to your questions from your husband. You need to hear the answer from Me.

So, stubbornly, and annoyed, I said fine. Well God? How do you see me?

Suddenly God gave me this picture, of this little girl in a pink dress. She was dancing around and twirling, running. Completely care free.

Mmmm, nice right? No. Seriously God? I've seen all this before. I've heard all this before. The whole you seeing me as a little girl in a dress running around is not going to penetrate the thick walls that surround my heart! I am incredibly messed up! I feel so lost! I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going!

As I lay there, fighting in silence, God opened my eyes to another piece of His heart for me.

He brought me back to a memory of me as a little girl. I had gone to bible camp, and my mom was there to pick me up to take me home. As I handed her my bags, she asked me why on earth they were so heavy. I was embarssed to tell her, so I told her I didn't know and that we should just quickly get them in the car. She refused to put them in the car, plunked them down on the ground and opened up my bags. Inside each bag, she found pounds and pounds and pounds, of rocks. Rocks. I had filled my bags, with huge rocks! Immediately, my mom said I had to put them back, that it was rediculous to take all these rocks home. I begged her to take the rocks home, and told her I really wanted to decorate my bedroom with all these pretty rocks. Of course, my mom said no, and made me put all the rocks back on the ground, where they belonged. Dissapointed, I put them back.

As I'm remembering this, God gives me a picture, of that same little girl in the pink dress. She's pulling a wagon, overflowing with toys, some broken, some missing pieces, garbage, things that you couldn't even make out what they were, because they'd been broken off the object they came from. To any passerby, this looked like a wagon full of junk, but to this little girl, these were her prized possessions. God assured me that while it may feel like I'm pulling around a bunch of shit, that it's ok. He said it didn't matter to him what I put in my wagon, as long as I let him pull it for me. As I layed there, feeling incredibly messed up, feeling like a big mass of issues, here's this almighty Father saying, He'll pull my crap for me. He said, Nin, no one can possibly understand why you would want to fill your wagon with rocks. It doesn't make any sense! But, I understand. I know these rocks mean something to you, they're precious and sacred, no one gets this, but I do! My child, it doesn't matter what you fill this wagon with. You can fill it with rocks and broken dreams and trash, because I'm big enough to restore and redeem all those things! But Nin.....you have to let me pull it for you. You can't pull it on your own.

So, I fell alseep, in the arms of my Father, understanding a new piece of His heart. Realizing that sometimes, being strong, means falling down, crawling into His arms, just to cry.

2009-11-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

My poor hubby is losing his hair. His dreams of aging and having a full head of white hair, gone. His dreams of growing his hair out, getting a funky fauxhawk, or basically anything and everything, gone.
One stressful day, after a stressful shopping trip, a man came to my door. Hubby and children were still piling out of the car. This man was here campaining for the upcoming election. My pardons (not) to those who think politics are dabomb, but I was in no mood to care about the election, as I had more important things on my mind. This man asked me silly questions about the election, and if I would be voting the following day. In my attempt to show this man that I did care about what he was bringing to my door, I pointed to my husband and said, well he is.
The man then thanked me, and said, oh ok, well I'll go talk to your dad.
Sitting there in shock, and fighting the giggles, I let my kids in the door, and watched the man approach my husband.
I plopped on the couch, wondering what to feel. Should I be insulted that I look so young? Should I be offended that my hubby looks so old? Should I think this is funny? Should I even tell my husband? Upon some thought, I decided to feel bad for my hubby, that was of course after, I updated my facebook status to tell the world my funny story.
So later in the week, I'm at the mall buying MicaBella makeup. The pushy sales lady asks how old I am, I'm assuming, so she can get a better understanding of my lifestyle, and where I'd be sporting my new makeup. I responded, 26.
*insert very animated, loud and annoying "gasps", "no ways", "you're kiddings" etc here*
So I walk away thinking, I've gotta do something about this. I've joked in the past to my hubby about how when we're out in public with our kids, and he's in his work suit, that people probably think he's "doing" the nanny. But it's time to put aside the jokes. This is serious people. This people thinking my husband is my father, or at best, the father of the children I nanny, is just not cool.
So here's my game plan.
I refuse to remove my piercings which make me look young.
I refuse to stop wearing my bunnyhugs, skinny jeans and tshirts which make me look young.
So option is left?
Sigh. As of now, and until all my hair is grown out, I, Nin, the hair dying queen, who has not seen her natural hair color in 16 years, am going to cease dying my hair.
Why?
Because, I love my hubby, and by george, if he's going bald, then he's gonna have a pierced up bunnyhug sporting grey haired woman by his side.

2009-10-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Alphagetti.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
In my kitchen.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
No, I shred Guitar Hero.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Alicia.
5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
1 am, and nevermind.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Somewhere else as in a different city? Or somewhere else as in, on a different street than my entire family, like normal people? Either way, no.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Probably.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Sarah.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I don't spend alot of time thinking and feeling about Dr. Pepper. Should I?
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Yesterday.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Moi. Tina, that means me. See? Told you I could speak francais. Eh?
13. Who was the last person/thing you took a picture of?
Myself in a pink shower cap, and then my sis with a plastic bag on her head. Good times.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Ha, no. Yesterday was REDICK.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
Yes.
16. Are you upset about anything?
I'm usually upset about alot of things all the time, but right now I feel ok.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Some, no. Some, worth dying for.
18. Are you a bad influence?
I can be *blush*
19. Night out or night in?
Both, at the same time.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Clothes, food, shelter...... Or is that not what you meant?
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Totally can't remember. Probably my mom.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
No phone no texts.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
That is the stupidest most loaded question in the history of questions. Moving on.
24. Do you hate anyone right now?
I hate lots of people.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
Messages, from people.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
That depends, if they were testing my body for drug content, or testing my knowledge about drugs.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes, something like, well I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you! (I got the feeling that maybe they were being sarcastic?)
28. What song is stuck in your head?
Weird, I hear nothing.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
No one you dummy, I'm sleeping go away.

2009-10-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

How long will take,
how much can I go through....
my heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
and somehow I'll get through
cuz I have You.....

and if I have to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You seeing me through

Oh Lord where are You?
do not forget me here
I cry in silence
can You not see my tears?
When all have left me
and hope has dissapeared
You find me here......

And when I have to crawl
well You crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all is You
seeing me through.....

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
When everything I was is lost
I have forgot but You have not
when I am lost
You have not lost me
YOU HAVE NOT LOST ME.....

And if I had to crawl
well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
carry me through
the wonder of it all
is You
seeing me through......

-Superchick-

CHOOSE

2009-09-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

Losing weight and being healthy is hard.
Being overweight and unhealthy is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

A good marriage is hard. Being selfless, laying down your rights, walking in love is hard.
Divorce, and walking away from your vows is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

Forgiveness, and bearing the pain is hard. Choosing the road of forgiveness is probably the hardest road of all.
Bitterness, and carrying the weight of anger and resentment is hard.
CHOOSE your hard.

and finally.....

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now CHOOSE life........
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

The more God unpacks this for me, the more I realized how twisted my view of my heavenly Father has become. Life is hard people! God never said my life would be easy, and He never said He would protect me from pain and hardship, infact, He said just the opposite. But He did say I would never walk it alone, and through His Son, I can do all things, in His strength, and His alone.

I don't believe my God to be sitting in heaven, shaking his head as I fail, rolling His eyes as I get back up again, and critically watching me try again wondering, will she actually do it right this time?

Obviously, I would'nt consciously believe our God to be this way, but through times in my life where those I trusted have stepped out when I needed them, or who have given up on me and written me off as a lost cause, I've often wondered if God would do the same, if I messed up just enough times.

When I would read verses like this one in Deuteronomy, my condemned heart would hear judgement and dissapointment. Like a frustrated parent, throwing their hands up saying, come on! Look! There's death, there's life. Duh! It's not complicated! Choose life already! Why would you choose death? That would be dumb!

But how would a heart that is deeply loved read that?

I've set before blessings and curses, death and life, because I know there will be hard times. I know there will be times where you'll want to take control of your own life, I know this, because I made you! I know there will be times where it seems there is no hope, no point, and in your pain, you will choose death, not because you're stupid, because you're in pain, and your gripping at anything you can to make it stop. In Me my child, is life. In Me my dear child, is life! Choose life. Not because you have to. Not because if you don't, I'll wash my hands of you. Not because you must, but because you CAN. In Me, you CAN!

Not you must, but you can.....

In Him, we CAN choose. Not because of anything in us, but because of everything in Him. This is not God beating us over the head with another command we fall short of, it's Him revealing Himself to His children, reminding us that in Him, we can.

As I wrestle through the pain, and the death I've clung to, He is still with me, waiting, whispering...... "you can choose." As I walk this road before me, He has not abandoned me, He walks it with me, waiting, whispering..... "you can choose."

I was sitting outside one afternoon with God, talking to Him. Feeling stuck in the pit of despair, I cried out, God, I don't know what to do! I don't know what to say!

In that moment, I felt the Lord hold me tight, and whisper, "That's ok. All you have to say is, okay."

I got up, faced my fear of not knowing what was on the other side, and said, okay...... I choose.

Do you see what I see?

2009-09-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm 5"4. I don't like considering myself to be a short person, but maybe that's just what short people say.

My husband on the other hand is 6"1. A very obvious 6"1, since he usually finds himself standing next to a non-short, yet non-tall 5"4 wife.

I like feeling short next to Chris. It sounds silly, but it almost feels secure, in knowing my tall hubby hovers over to protect my little frame.

One afternoon, my hubby and I were in our bedroom. He was getting out of his suit from a long days work, and was commenting yet again, on how much he liked our new mirrors from Ikea. He said that our new full length mirror, was the only mirror in the house in which he could see his head. I gasped, and giggled a little, when I responded with, you seriously can't see your head in any of our mirrors? This I had to see.

So I got up on my hubbys back, dipped my head down to his till I was eye level with what he saw. Sure enough, I could not see my head in our bedroom mirror, the bathroom mirror, or the mirror in the front entrance. My hubby showed me how he had to duck in order to do his hair in the morning.

I was amazed, for the first time, I was seeing things through my husbands eyes. I asked him to piggy back me throughout the house, so I could see what else he saw. He took me into the kitchen, where I opened the cupboards and could suddenly see all the things on the top shelves that are normally completely out of my view. He took me past the bakers rack, where I could see into all the baskets on the top shelf without having to bring them down.

It was super neat to see how my hubby could see so many things that I could not, completely naturally.

But not only did I see into the cupboards and baskets, I also saw the thick layer of dust ontop the fridge, on the shelf in the bathroom, and ontop the cabinet in the living room. And here I thought my house was clean....

What would I do without my husband?

Realistically, I would probably be just fine. I would grab a chair to reach the top cupboard, I would continue to pull the baskets down to be able to see it's contents, and I would enjoy being able to see my face in the mirrors without having to duck down.

But what about that dust? Honestly, it never occured to me that people could see that dust, because I could'nt. I knew it was there, and occasionally, I would dust in those hard to reach places, simple because I thought, I was doing something extra. Either way, whether it got dusted or not, I did not base the cleanliness of my house on those dusty places because, they were unseen, which meant, they did not matter.

Now, having walked in the footsteps of my husband, seeing with his eyes, I realize now, that MANY people can see that dust. I would not have discovered that had I not looked through my husbands eyes.

I don't think my husband was made any more special than me, just different. It's not like he's worked hard at making himself that height, in which case I would need to pat him on the back for doing such a good job. He was just made that way.

We're all born with different personalities, different gifts, different strengths. The fact is, we all see things completely differently. My husband and I live in the same house, but we see everything completely different than the other. We have a different view, we have a different perception. When working together, we can cover the top and the bottom. When working apart, we lack the view the other brings.

My husband and I will always see and hear things differently. We will always approach a problem from different angles, and we will always speak two different languages. The key is to take the time to see and hear through eachothers eyes and ears, so we can walk together and lean on eachothers gifts, because in a marriage, his gifts are also for me, and mine are for him.

God has surrounded us all with people whom we need in our lives, just as they need us. We can choose to walk independantly, and grab a chair, or we can choose to lean on one another, and walk together.

I think we could all use a piggyback ride now and then.

2009-09-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Oh you'd better not shout,
you'd better not cry,
you'd better not pout I'm telling you why,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He's making a list,
and checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
?Jesus? is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
He knows if you've been bad or good
SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

If this is the King we really serve, I say,
He's not worth serving.
It's sad how many of us actually see our savior as a mean old santa, who will punish us if we're bad, and reward us if we're good. None of us can make the cut. NONE.

Who does Jesus say He REALLY is?

Something God said.

2009-08-27T11:18:00.001-07:00

My butt is ticklish.
There, I said it.
Weird? I know.
Some people have ticklish feet, sides, necks. Me? I have a ticklish butt. I don't mean the kid of tickles that you can fight, like back tickles, that send shivers up your spine, I mean the ones that make my body flip and flop around, anything to get me away from whoever is tickling me.
As a side note, said tickler touching my butt, is always my husband, just in case you had burning questions.

Moving on, I also have lower back problems. They started for me when I was pregnant with Jonah. After I had her, I remember laying on the floor on my stomach in pain, while my dad rubbed my lower back. He pressed hard on my tail bone, and the noise that came out made my dad jump across the room in fear. No, I didn't fart. My back popped. My dad said he wasn't going to touch my back again, until I saw some sort of doctor or chiropractor to find out what was wrong.

So, 5 years later, many chiropractic appointments later, I get pregnant with my son. The pain started right at conception, and didn't end until his body left mine. Desperate to find answers, I visited doctors, chiropractors, physio therapists, and even acupuncture. No one seemed to know what was wrong or how to fix it. Some said it was my tail bone, some said my sciatic nerve, some, my hip flexers, and some, admitted they had idea, and gave me pain killers.

Shortly after Daniel was born, I booked myself in to see my brother in laws sister who's a massage therapist. I had thrown my back out, and chalked it up to, my typical back problems, that were acting up, still not knowing how or why or what. She worked on my back, and found the problem.
My butt.

Yes, my butt. My glutes were as tight as a rubber band stretched around the earth. She worked on them for an hour, as I layed there gritting through the pain and tears.

After that, she showed me some stretches to do when my glutes get tight, and explained that when my glutes are tight, they pull on my lower back, creating copious amounts of strain in the tail bone area.

Since then, when I get a sore back, from either sitting in a car for a long time, or using my glutes more that usual, I stretch my glutes, and voila, my back feels better.
It's unfortunate that doctors appointments upon doctors appointments later, I finally find the answer in a massage therapist.

My glutes are my problem area. I will always struggle with this. I need to be stretching them everyday, and when they get really bad, I will need to get them manually stretched and worked on. This I can deal with, because I know the problem, and can actually attack it, instead of band-aiding it.

Now this takes me back to my tickles. As I layed there at my massage yesterday, in pain and strain, my bros sister moves to my problem area, and laughs when she hears me giggle and squirm, forgetting that I'm the only one she's ever encountered who has a ticklish butt.
But as always, once she pressed through the tickles, and hit the pain, there was no more laughing. All signs of tickles were gone, and replaced with the real pain underneath it all.

Then, I heard a word from God. I don't remember always being ticklish there. In fact, before Jonah, I don't remember being ticklish there at all. My nervous system is confused, it doesn't know what to do with the pain, so it self protects, and tries to make itself feel good, to mask the pain. Obviously, since the pain is there, and very real, you will always find it if you press through.
This made me think of me. I have pain, lots of it, hidden underneath a confused exterior. I don't know what to do with it, I don't know how to cope, I don't want to face what's really there, so, I hide it, mask it underneath a self protection, that is very hard to penetrate because, my initial reaction is to flip and flop, until I'm removed from the source trying to get to my pain.
I've developed many self protection mechanisms over the years. And for the first time ever, I'm being forced to face them for what they are. Something in place to prevent God from working on my pain.

I don't want to live like this. I want to be free from this pain. Just as I lay on the massage table saying, it's ok, just press harder and it won't tickle, it's ok, you can hurt me, I can take it, it's good pain. I can only say these things because I know it's worth it.
I want to say these things to God, I want him to press through my self protective and confused nervous system, so that I can be free.

So God, if you're listening, I may wake up today feeling ticklish, and I may wake up feeling pain and strain, either way, remind me that,

You've got my back......

and, my butt.

stolen.... thought this would be fun ; )

2009-08-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

1. Who are you to me?
2. How Long have we known each other?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Choose a nickname for me and explain why
5. Describe me in one word
6. What reminds you of me?
7. If you could give me a gift, what would it be?
8. Do you think you know me well?
9. When was the last time you saw / talked to me?
10. What was the funniest thing we did together or said to each other?
11. What do we talk about all the time?
12. Do you think we will always be friends?
13. If you had to throw something at me, what would it be?
14. Are you going to write the same note so I can write crazy stuff about you too?

2009-08-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm picking weeds in my front yard, as I await the arrival of my hubby. My duties are coming to a close as I only have a few weeds left. I go for the last weed, and it's covered in sandy muck. I brush it off with my little shovel, and out pour hundreds of thousands of red ants.
EW.
Ok, so it looks like some ants have built a little home in a weed on the edge of our lawn, no biggie, I can deal. Deep breath. I pull the weed, and try not to think of all the little creepy crawlies swarming about. The weed comes out, along with most of the ant house, and I sweep the plethora of little ants onto the road.
Phew, ok, that was gross.
Then I notice, another small little sandy mucky pile in the lawn. Great, more ants.
EW.
I scrape off the sandy muck, and oh my gosh. It's filled with little ant larvae!
EW. EW. EW.
Ok, deep breath, so gross, I want my hubby, ew ew ew, what do I do, deep breath.
Just to clarify, I'm not some sort of freak who can't handle a fly. I used to have a lizard who ate live creepy crawlies all the time, I can hold my own. But for whatever reason, a bunch of little white baby ants, just makes my skin crawl.
So, I dig a huge hole in our lawn, a hole my hubby has yet to see when he gets home. I shovel up all the yuckiness, and go into the back to put it in the garbage. Upon entering the back gate, my son, who caught a huge rainbow beetle in his bug catcher earlier today, had taken the beetle out, put it on his badminton racket, and shoved it in my face as I stand there holding a pile of ant larvae in a shovel.
EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW!
So, I kick Daniel back inside, put the gross disgusting larvae in the garbage, put the gross disgusting beetle back in the stupid container, and call my hubby.
He giggles at my female goodness, and assures me he'll pick up some ant killer on the way home.
I then proceed to cry from all the stress, and say, I feel really stupid and I don't know why I'm crying.
Hubby responds,
I love you.

2009-07-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

My blessings for today:

My hubby:
I love him, every part of him. Like hearing him sing, as he belts the wrong words to a song completely off key and sounds rediculous. I love that.
God made us completely perfect for eachother, in every way, even in hard times, we fit.

My sister:
I love her to death. I can talk to her about anything, and she somehow always understands. She loves me with a big sister's heart, I know she's got my back. I'm so thankful to have her in my life, in every season we walk through.

My kids:
My son, who brings joy to anyone around. My daughter who is growing up into the most beautiful girl, inside and out.

My friend Nicole:
Who, as I've been walking through hard times, is the only friend who has not fished for details, but instead has assured me that she's here for me, in whatever way I need her. She cares about me, and hopes that I'm getting support and advice from others, even if that isn't her. I love her tons, and need her so much. I can be real with her, and she can be real with me, and that, is exactly what I need.

Tanya:
Who loves me no matter what, and has an incredible heart for me and my family. She listens and prays and encourages and listens some more and prays and encourages.

My Dad:
Who is real. Could'nt ask for anything better.

Tina:
She loves my friend. She loves those breaky noises. She thinks Paulie Bleaker is great, in chair. Who does whatever she feels like she wants to do GOSH! And loves me in a very special way. I've been blessed to know her, and love talking to her every single day.

Sherry:
Who drinks pina coladas with me, and plants my flowers in peat moss.

and finally....

God:
Who loves me, and those I love, with a love that I could never fully grasp or understand.

What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?

2009-06-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

1. What would you do if you saw your ex on the road on fire?

Depends which ex. Some I would have a bucket of water ready, others, a bucket of gas.

2. Your best friend tells you shes's pregnant, what's your reacton?

Thankful it's not me.

3. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?

Last night.

4. What was the last thing you spent money on?

Beef jerky.

5. Do you think you've gained r lost weight this month?

Lost.

6. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?

Crunchy.

7. Someone on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you say?

Not the first time, won't be the last. Moving on...

8. Congratulations! You've just had a son, what's his name?

Daniel.

9. Congratulations! You've just had a daughter, what's her name?

Jonah.

10. What are you craving right now?

Never you mind.

11. What was the last thing you cried about?

I could'nt just pick one.

12. When you buy something and your change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cahier to keep it?

Tell them to keep it.

13. What color is your tissue box?

Who cares?

14. Do you have a ceiling fan, and if so, does it have dust on it?

TONS.

15. What is the last voicemail you received about?

Probably Jonah asking if she could play with her cousins.

16. Have you ever blocked someone ojn your friends list before?

Yes.

17. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?

Learning that what you thought mattered doesn't, and what does matter, isn't real.

18. Do you wear a name tag at work?

No, I don't wear a name tag at home.

19. What kind of car do you drive?

Sunfire.

20. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?

Mexi Fries with TONS of hotsauce for each bite.

21. Have you ever had a garage sale?

Yes.

22. What color is your ipod?

I love how it just assumes everyone has one. I don't.

23. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

Lime flavored vodka.

24. Are you happy right now?

I'm numb.

25. Who came over last?

My sis.

26. Do you drink beer?

Yuck. I used to, to be cool, and then I realized, beer isn't cool.

27. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Does telling me I was a mistake count?

28. What is your favorite key on your key chain?

My rainbow one.

29. Wht was the last movie you watched?

I don't even remember. I'm off tv.

30. What is in your pocket?

Lint? Jean fabric?

31. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?

Don't remember, probably through a mutual friend. We went to the school dance together : )

32. Where do you hurt?

My neck, from head banging. Yes, head banging.

33. Has someone ever made you a build a bear?

No. Dumb question.

34. What's something fun you did today?

I met Sherry and my dad at the farmers market, and ate sushi.

35. What is our favorite isle at Walmart?

Clothes/makeup/hairdye/shoes/kitchen stuff.....

36. When is your birthday?

October.

37. Is there anything hanging from your review mirror?

Nope.

38. How many states in the US have you been to?

3.

39. What kind of milk do you drink?

1%, or chocolate.

40. What are you going to do after this?

Kill time until Chris gets home.

41. Who was the last person you went shopping with?

Sherry and my dad.

42. What is something you need to go shopping for?

Meh. Probably food.

43. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

I used to, when I changed my name to Laura.

44. What kind of car do your parents drive?

Grand Am.

45. Are you rich?

Far from it.

47. What color is your couch?

One is dark brown, other is green.

48. What famous person do you look like?

Lead singer from Garbage.

49. Does someone like you right now?

I don't know, I don't feel very likable. I do know of a few though ; )

50. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?

I would pass.

51. Favorite pop-tart flavor?

Blueberry.

52. Do you know any in jail/prison?

I know people who have been to jail/prison.

53. What are you plans for the weekend?

Surviving.

54. Do you like the color green?

Definately.

55. Who was the last person you sent an instant message to?

Tina.

56. Last restaurant you went to?

Does getting my dad to bring me Mcdonalds count as going to a restaurant?

57. How many hours did you sleep last night?

7.

58. Do you swear at your parents?

Swear AT them? No. Swear in their presence? Yes, I am real.

59. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

I absolutely do.

60. What's the best lessons you've learned in life?

That when life seems overwhelming, you can always still remember, that one day, you will die.

2009-06-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

When there's something you really want, fight for it.

Don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems.

And when you've lost hope, think 10 years from now,

and how you'll wish you gave it another shot.

Because the best things in life, they do not come free.

-Meredith Grey-

2009-06-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

lol, seriously, lol.

2009-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

Are you still here??

It's over!

Go home!

-Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

My rant, for those who want it and those who don't.

2009-05-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry to dissapoint those of you who thought I was going to rant and rave about all the rumors flying around about cheating and scandals, but I side with my stranger friend Melanie in remaining unbiased to things I know nothing about.
I do however know a bit about Kate as a wife. Heeding my dear Sherry's 'warning', yet not nessesarily thinking I need it, I believe my frustrations are to encourage.

Coming up on my 5th year anniversary with my hubby, I've been incredibly drawn to Kate, in the kind of wife that she is. She's almost like a greasy food, I'm drawn to her, but then feel like crap afterwards. Maybe the proper sentence of my last post should've been "Watching Kate makes me sick" (since my wording seemed to create some hype), however, I thought "I hate" sounded a little prettier and not so messy.

It's been funny to see how every year I write a little anniversary post, about how far we've come and how much more in love we are with eachother blah blah blah, only to sound like a broken record one year later. I'm blessed by the team that we've become, knowing that we're a strong one, and also knowing that it's only going to get better, and we're only going to get stronger as the years go on.

Our dating relationship, as well as the first year we were married, was a different story. We were not a team, not even close. I think the reason why I'm so sickened by watching Kate, is she reminds me of me, and the crap I used to walk in. Seeing how she talks over Jon and barely lets him get a word in, seeing how she bosses him around with no respect or manners, treating him like he's one of the 8 kids, is exactly how I used to talk to Chris. And yes, I'm ashamed to admit that. It's a wonder he even married me....

I think even more than simply being frustrated for their marriage, is knowing that many women out there, reading the smut mags and keeping up with the rumors, have come to the conclusion that Kate is the victim. Because of what Jon did (or didn't do) leaves Kate as "poor Kate", yet no one talks about the happenings leading up to his choices. I'm not going to condone anything Jon may have (or haven't) done, because honestly, I don't know a whole lot about what Jon thinks, since Kate does all the talking. He has said however that he's unhappy. He hates being 'Jon and Kate plus 8', he wants to just be Jon, but Kate refuses to quit the show. Many have their own opinions as to what Kate motives are for refusing. Money, fame, but whatever the case, I can in good conscience say they are selfish, if they are coming before Jon.

Their marriage resembles nothing like a team with mutual respect, it resembles a boss and a employee, and the boss is never satisfied. I've known a marriage that resembled this. She was always treating him like dirt, nothing he did was ever good enough, and one day, he snapped. He made some bad choices, and she left him. She was the poor victim of his bad choices, and the way she treated him was left hush hush. Honestly, if my spouse treated me that way, I'd probably snap too.

Watching Kate and the way she treats Jon makes my skin crawl, and contrary to what some may think, I believe that the ever evil "hate" actually IS from the Lord. It's not Kate I hate, it's the sin. God uses situations we've been in, or have seen others walk through, to grow a heart that desires holiness. I desire to see holiness in marriage. I may be directing my hate at the wrong target, but such is life.

When I look at my marriage, I smile. I know we don't have it all together, I know we still have a lifetime of learning ahead of us, but I smile, because we're friends. We're best friends! We have fun like friends, we talk like friends, we treat eachother like friends. I see so many marriages, Jon and Kate being just one, that are totally barren of these things. It makes me sad, (but mostly mad because it seems to be my favorite emotion) that they are missing out on so much.

The season premiere of Jon and Kates next season is tomorrow night. I hope, I really hope, that they can work things out, however, I think it's safe to say, that if they try to do it infront of the world, they won't. If Kate continues with the show, and continutes to starve Jon of what he needs, which is respect, their marriage will fall apart, it's just a matter of when.

2009-05-22T10:28:00.001-07:00

I......

HATE

Kate Gosselin.

A small preview of the big vent coming soon.

My piggy.

2009-05-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

This little piggy sat on a rock.

This little piggy went on a slide.

This little piggy got filthy.

This little piggy screamed on a ride.

And this little piggy went weeeeeeeeeeee!............

Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

all the way home.

2009-04-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

What is the time-waster de jour?

It's the time-waster of the day.

mmmmm...... I'll have that......

I HATE labels, I hate that people have labeled me, I hate even more that I've labeled others.

I LOVE summer, and everything about it, sun, brown skin, pools, green, flowers, activity.

I HATE doing laundry, and always have. I can never seem to stay on top of it.

I LOVE shopping, for anything. I think what I really love, is spending money.

I HATE that I'm always late, and that I expect people to tack on an extra 20 minutes to the time I tell them I'll be there.

I LOVE my son's vocabulary, I love that he says 99% of his words 'incorrectly', and I refuse to let anyone correct him, because soon enough this phase will be gone.

I HATE how much I LOVE Facebook.

I LOVE red wine, and would drink it like water if I thought others would approve.

I HATE expectations, I hate that I have too many on myself, I hate that I have too many on others.

I LOVE writting out my thoughts, and pouring my heart into words.

I HATE that song "I know you want me" by Pitbull. I hate even more that it has such a good beat that I forget which song it is and crank up the volume, only to be reminded that I hate it.

I LOVE having a clean house, and take pride in knowing how far I've come in regards to being a home-maker.

I HATE my skin condition, I hate even more that it doesn't even have a name.

I LOVE being smoke-free! I love knowing that I'm not controlled by a substance.

I HATE that I too quickly forget that I am controlled by many things, just like every other imperfect being, just not smoking.

I LOVE that I'm not perfect.

I HATE that I'm not perfect.

I LOVE having a second vehicle, and can't believe I survived so long without one.

I HATE it when I can't find answers, when I don't have a formula, when things don't fit in the box, and when I don't have a step by step plan.

I LOVE my close friends, I love that they know me and still want to be around me. I love that even in times where it feels like I have no substance, they will still hang out with me in the meaningless fluff.

I HATE that I waste time on the computer doing nothing, like this stupid list.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

2009-04-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

People think I've got it all together,

with the show of my sweet sweet smile,

but do they know if I've been happy ever?

Pull up a chair cuz this may take a while.....

"The real me"

-Jaci Velasquez

What is it for?

What does it matter?

Does it matter?

What do I do now?

Just a few of the plethora of questions swimming in my heart. How did I get here? To this place of questioning my very foundation? Am I too afraid to say this outloud?.......Why am I?

I'm realizing more and more how incredibly twisted my insides are, how I built my house on things that are very shaky and unstable, and now, as I watch my house crumble once again, I ask myself what's the point, I have clearly failed the house building course.

So what now? When all passion has been stripped away, what do you do? Do you carry on doing all the things you did that made you think you were doing "good"? Or do you stop doing it all hoping that you'll realize that's not what it's all about anyway.

I feel like I'm questioning what's in the very core of my being, and I'd hoped I'd find more answers than I'm finding. My faith is being tested more than ever before, and honestly, I feel like I'm failing the test.

But is it really about tests? Is it really about winning or losing or passing or failing? Or is there a world completely free from all of that?

While I'm still in my running gear (barely), I stand still on this track, watching other running pass me by, waving, some smile. I wonder if I will ever finish this race, or at least, get back up. The hope that I will get back up, and continue fighting the good fight keeps me here, although standing still, I will not walk away.

He's baaaaaaaaaack.

2009-04-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been following my blog for a couple of years, you may recall our traumatic experience with a psycho robin who flew into our window at ungodly hours in the morning over and over and over and over.

This morning a robin paid us a visit.

Little does it know that we have been wounded, and wounded people do not think before doing, they react. If it does this again, I swear I'll kill it (dead, murdered, stabbed......)

funniness

2009-04-15T23:58:00.001-07:00

quick family update, to make myself feel like I actually do still blog.

2009-04-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Hubby:

-Is so worthy of being first of the family update list.
-Is helpful and needed in so many ways.
-Treats me to so many things I don't deserve.
-Has a new assistant at work, which is soooooo good. I've already noticed him having more time.

Son:

-New fave words: MINE, NO......that is all.
-Likes to yell at people who don't answer him.
-Repeats himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.......
Example:
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Yeah?
A ball!
A ball? Wow!
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!
Yes?
A ball!!!
Yeah a ball!
Mommy!
What?
A ball!!!
Yeah, I know!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
What Daniel?
A ball!!!!!
I KNOWWWWWW!!!!!!

Moving on.

Daughter:

-Beautiful, gorgeous, boys like her, eeek!
-New fave website is Happymeal.com. (and has forgotten about her 9 webkinz)
-Has next week off school! Whoot! Whoot!

Me:

-Getting gel nails tomorrow!
-Got my lip pierced and I love it. It feels so nice to have piercings again, it's like my love for my former piercings never went away. But I'm glad that I came to a place where I was happy to be just me without them, before going out and getting another one.
-Feels like I keep failing the same test over and over.
-Have lost the will and passion to be healthy, but am still truckin, slowly but surely.

A lesson through a little girl....

2009-04-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

On our way home from picking up the kids from school, Daniel hit Jonah in the face with his toy fish, hard. Jonah cried, and Daniel got in trouble. We then dropped Noah and Isaiah off at their house, all the while, Jonah is fine, but still complaining about how much that hurt, and how upset she was at her brother. We stopped to pick up the mail, and Jonah is still complaining about the incident. I reminded her that Daniel said sorry, and that she should probably let it go and forgive him. She said, "but it still hurts......"
Right then, at that moment, I realized what forgiveness looks like, doing it even though it still hurts, and even though it will still hurt, and I heard God say,

"Exactly."